


illusion

by dinosaur12



Series: Black Clover [5]
Category: Black Clover - Tabata Yuki (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alcohol, Blood and Violence, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, Julius is vice captain, MC needs to be protected, Mystery, Paranoia, Prequel, Slow Burn, Slow burn? Don't know her, also there's sex now oops, and also as dreamy as usual
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:27:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 48,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26319412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinosaur12/pseuds/dinosaur12
Summary: After a traumatic attack, a member of the Grey Deer realizes that someone on her own squad is out to get her. Out of all the people she considers her friends and comrades, two of them committed a brutal crime, leaving her in a paranoid, frightened state. Why would they do this? Why her? What is going to happen now?Among all the fear, she knows there's at least one person she can trust: her very own Vice Captain, Julius.NOT SAFE FOR WORK VERSION
Relationships: Julius Novachrono/Reader
Series: Black Clover [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1771279
Comments: 31
Kudos: 65





	1. | 1 |

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel taking place before Julius becomes Wizard King, and before Yami and William join the Grey Deer.

The Clover Kingdom is known for its balmy summers, temperate falls, and forgiving winters. I just so happened to be born in the dead center of one of those winters, on the coldest, most unforgiving night of that year. It wasn't like that made a difference, though. My mother was warm and well-cared for within our large house, heated by mountains of blankets and a crackling fireplace. She was the daughter of a wealthy landlord, and my father was born into nobility. We had it about as good as it could get.

When I was five years old, my parents took me to visit the castle for the first time. I had no idea what was going on, but it was fun to dress up in a frilly dress and be doted on by servants. We met an important-looking man and his family, which included a boy maybe 4 or 5 years older than I am. He had dark hair slicked back into a little bun, and two cold grey eyes that I could never bring myself to look into very deeply. 

"So, did you like Prince Lawrence?" my mother asked me on the way home, palpable excitement in her voice. I just nodded a little as I sucked on a lollipop my father gave me to keep me occupied. The truth was, I had said maybe 2 words to the boy before avoiding him the entire time. However, my mother was pleased. "Good! It's very important that the two of you get along."

I didn't know it at the time, but as far as nobles went, we were on thin ice. My mother's once-wealthy father went out of business shortly before his death, and my father's family told him he was a disgrace for marrying into an unstable financial situation. I don't blame them for choosing the one viable way out of their situation... even if that solution ended up being none other than little ol' me. 

What was the solution, you ask?

I was to marry into the Kira family.

Lawrence Kira was a distant cousin of the king, but he was close enough to royalty that it would have us set for life. Back then, I didn't really care. It was decided long before I started to care. I was supposed to marry him when I turned 18, but that plan was postponed when I let my friend Alice convince me to take the Magic Knights Exam. I didn't really know what to expect, but my magic is as potent as it gets, despite being a "cut-rate noble," as some people called us. Lucky for me, a few captains raised their hands, and I chose the one I knew was the best.

And so, seven years later, here I am, celebrating the coming of the new year with the Grey Deer.

"Hey, you, refill my mug, will'ya!?"

I quickly push away the empty mug that's shoved into my face. "Ah, no, I'm not your servant, Nigel," I tell the boy. "I'm older than you, anyway!"

Nigel sticks out his tongue but doesn't push the subject, mostly because he's barely conscious right now as it is. Everyone's been drinking all night, but Nigel obviously doesn't hold his beer so well.

"Aww, we got a little baby, don't we!" Two of the older knights, Margery and Wren, walk over to flank the boy, who looks between them a few times. "You're 20 aren't you? I could down 20 _beers_ in a row when I was 16!" Margery cackles cruelly. She's a beautiful woman who's usually nicer than this, but tonight seems to be making her rowdy.

"Margery, be nice," I scold lightly, being careful not to sound impertinent. She's several ranks above me, after all. However, the liquid courage is going straight to my head. "Not everyone was an alcoholic at 16!"

Wren's bloodshot eyes widen while Margery's face contorts into an over-exaggerated expression of rage. "Are you trying to insult me?!" she screeches, grabbing the collar of my cloak. I know better than to resist as she pulls me so close that she practically spits on me. "Another word, and I'll shove a thousand pearls up your little-"

"Ooh, you're gonna fight?" a booming voice calls. We both look over to see none other than Captain Hervey himself addressing us from the head of the table, sipping wine from a goblet. He's a tall man with blonde hair that spirals up in three big spikes, and a goatee that he never stops toying with. He's got a rather boorish personality, and can be accidentally mean without realizing it. It's not his fault; he's just really good an unintentionally hurting people's feelings. "Everyone, the showdown is finally happening!"

A few people hoot and holler at the announcement. We're a squad of sixteen people, yet we make this room feel like it's thronged with a huge crowd. The Grey Deer are known for their efficiency and elegance in battle, but when we're drunk we resemble the Crimson Lion Kings very closely. Sixteen people, yet not everyone is here. My friend Alice is off on patrol by herself tonight and visiting her elderly mother, so she isn't here to join in with the festivities. So, we're fifteen members tonight...

_Wait. There's only 14 people here. Who's missing, other than Alice?_

"Are you even listening to me?!"

I'm shaken (literally) from my thoughts by Margery and snap back to attention. "I'm your senior, and I'll fight you right now to prove it!"

"Ah! Actually, I'd rather not!" I hold up my hands to plead with her. "I don't want to use my magic inside!"

Margery practically growls like a feral animal. "Then... let's go outside!"

"Are you crazy? It's snowing cats and dogs out there," Giles, a knight who's my age and joined at the same time as me, observes. Out of the trio of me, Alice, and Giles, he's usually the more logical one. "Just settle it some other time."

It's not worth pursuing any longer, so Margery finally lets me go. "You're on thin fucking ice-" she warns me before returning to her seat. I sigh and shake my head. She's not going to remember any of this tomorrow morning anyway.

Giles sighs and takes another bite of his food. There's more than usual tonight, since it's a rare holiday and all. "How much longer until midnight?"

"Another hour." Elia, my roommate, yawns a little, gazing over at me from across the table with tired eyes. "I don't think I'm going to last that long."

"You have to! It's New Years!" Nigel insists, giggling as if he just told us the funniest joke the world has ever heard (news flash: he has not done such a thing). "It's the only time of year we can slack off like this."

"Ooh, that reminds me..." I wince before looking back up at the head of the table. The seven senior knights and the captain reserve that section for themselves, then the intermediate knights like myself get the middle section. At the opposite end is the "kids area," for all the junior knights. We have four of them right now, two of them being brand new recruits. "Captain, do we have to work tomorrow?"

"Ah... I guess you have to." There's a loud groan from all parts of the table at this news, and Hervey slams his goblet on the table loudly. "BUT! You didn't let me finish!" he roars. "You don't have to get up until 10, how's that?!" He smirks to himself as we all agree, of course. 

"Hey... let's do a game..." Nigel slurs, resting his chin on his elbow. "I'm bored."

"Fine. What game?" Giles actually looks pretty excited for once, and catches the attention of me and Elia.

Nigel grins and straightens up, holding up his hand with all five fingers up. "Never have I ever... made eyes at Vice Captain Malota."

"Oh, ewww!" We look over to see Wren wrinkling his nose. "No offense, but she has a stick up her butt all the time." Malota is a little older, but she's still pretty, with long blonde hair and icy blue eyes. Her face is very angular like a vulture, but... a sexy vulture. But Wren is right; she's a very capable woman, but she has a weird personality.

"... you got me." Giles blushes behind his glasses and puts a finger down. Both Nigel and Wren giggle at him. "Stop it! I'm sure you're crushing on someone here!"

"Me? I would never stoop that low," Wren shoots back. "Okay, okay, I got one... never have I ever broken a bone!" 

Everyone whines at the question, because of course that's happened to everyone. Everyone but Wren, apparently. He gloats to himself as we're all forced to lower a finger. "Who's next?"

"I'll go!" Elia pipes up, which is a little surprising because she's never the one to put herself out there. "Never have I ever..." She grins evilly. "Had SEX."

"oh, EW!" All the boys chorus at once, going red in the face at the sheer audacity. "Of ALL the immature things you could have said!" Wren objects, but puts a finger down anyway (not gonna lie... I'm kind of surprised to hear that he isn't still a virgin at 25 years old). Elia just giggles and looks pointedly at the rest of us. Nigel shrugs and puts a finger down, Giles blushes and keeps his up, and I, too, am forced to put it down, which throws Wren into outrage once again. "WHAT?! YOU? Y-You had, you did the-"

"Yes, obviously," I snap, wishing we could just get to the next question already. "What's the big deal?"

"Aren't you engaged?" Giles asks curiously.

"First of all, that's none of your business, second of all..." I cross my arms. "Yes, I'm engaged... who do you think I did it with, dummy?"

A collective " _oh"_ moves through our group. "That makes sense, I guess..." Wren shakes his head and sticks his tongue out at me. "Whore!"

"Shut up."

"OI! I just realized something!" Our attentions are pulled back to the head of the table, where Hervey is scowling at the empty seat to his right. "Julius... he went out for air _two hours_ ago and _still_ hasn't come back!!"

"What, you think he died or something?" Wren asks, shaking his head. "He's probably just got tired of us."

"Unacceptable! It's almost midnight, and my new vice captain isn't even here!?" Hervey growls. "Someone go out and get him... YOU!" I jump with fear as he points a hairy finger right at me. "Go get him! Actually, lure him in with a warm drink! It can't be fun being out in the blizzard all alone!"

I want to ask _why me,_ but when the captain tells you to do something, you do it. So, reluctantly, I stand up and walk off into the kitchen, letting the sounds of the party get muffled by the door. The counters are strewn with empty bottles and kegs, with only a few full ones left. The only warm drink available right now are the dregs of the mulled wine from the pot, so I carefully scoop some out into a mug. It feels good as I clutch it in my hands and steel myself for the trip outside.

Julius was made vice captain just a couple days ago, chosen to serve next to Hervey and Malota. His personality is 100 times more bearable than either of them, but there's no denying that everyone in the squad is just a tad bit... _scared_ of him. He's been around since I first joined, but we never really talked or ended up doing missions together until recently. In terms of ability, he's leaps and bounds ahead of everyone. But at the same time, he's not really _close_ to anyone. Julius is the type of guy who gets along with everyone on the squad, no matter how volatile their personalities seem to be, but his only real friend seems to be the senior knight Elgar, who keeps to himself as well. Sometimes, it feels like he just... operates on a completely different plane of reality than the rest of us.

Giles was right, it is snowing like it's never snowed before. I think briefly about the stories my parents told me about my own birth, how the wind rattled the windows and blanketed the earth in snow. I wonder if there's a baby being born somewhere _tonight,_ under those same conditions. 

The wind blows my cape around, and my uniform does little to shelter my body from the freezing fingers of the cold. My teeth are chattering and the only warmth comes from the mug in my hands. _If I don't see him in five minutes, I'm drinking this myself!_ I think bitterly to myself, trudging around the perimeter of our base. It's not even easy to see, with the dim light of the moon shadowed by gales of snow. Maybe Julius didn't even go outside? Maybe he went back to his room because he was tired? That's what I would have done. 

In one last attempt to find him, I call out his name. "Julius! Julius!?"

_There's no way he can hear me,_ I think, shaking my head a little. Admittedly, I'm pretty eager to get back inside. _If he's actually out here, he can take care of himself-_

"Hello? Who's there?"

Shit. I let out a sigh before turning back around, and finally spot a figure walking towards me in the dark. Tall, blonde, handsome, with a smile that puts everyone around him at ease. Sure enough, it's Julius, who looks largely unaffected by the blizzard around him, albeit confused as to why I ventured out to find him. "What brings you out here on this lovely evening?"

"Ha ha, very funny." I'm not really in the mood for a cheeky joke right now. "We noticed you were gone, so I brought something out to warm you up." I hold out the mug, a look of pleasant surprise crossing his face. "Why're you out here all alone, anyway?"

"Oh? Thank you! I was feeling a bit chilly, anyway," Julius thanks me with a kind smile as he takes the mug. _A bit chilly!? It's freezing!_ "I was... I don't know. I guess I just felt like taking a walk, and forgot about the party." He takes a sip of the drink, his eyes glancing over at the warm light pouring from the base's windows.

"You forgot?" I repeat, wondering what he was really thinking. "Well, I was told to bring you back inside, it's almost midnight, you know. I don't really feel like going back empty-handed."

"Is it?" Julius peers down at me and lets out a soft laugh, which I don't really appreciate. "I'm sorry to disappoint... but I think I'll stay out a bit longer. Don't worry about me..." For the first time, his smile fades, and something pools in his eyes as he looks away into the darkness.

"I have... a lot to think about."

I like to think that I'm a very observant person. My magic is illusion magic, which gives me the power to conjure images and scenes within the minds of others. But to effectively fight an enemy, I have to be able to glean information about them just from the surface. The way they move, the way they fight, the way they talk... but most importantly, I have to look into their eyes. Only then can I see their souls, and then I know how I can beat them. 

Julius, a powerful, dependable man, is still just like everyone else. And the moment I search him for the first time, I can tell that something is wrong. Not only that, but he has the distinct look of someone in mourning. _A lot to think about? I wonder if it was a family member... or maybe a friend. Either way, it's probably best to leave him alone. I'm sure he'll find peace somehow._

"You don't have to stay out here, you know." I snap out of my thoughts to see that he's talking to me again, his smile returned. "I'll be okay."

"...are you sure?" I know it's not my place to push the subject, but for some reason I feel a bit worried about him. _Me?_ Worried about _him?_ It was strange, but true. I know I should leave, but part of me feels like I _need_ to stay. "I-I mean, I don't know, I wasn't having much fun anyways," I correct myself, looking away and crossing my arms. "And I told you, I'm not going back empty handed. If you're out here because something's troubling you... then maybe you should get it off your chest, feel better, then come back inside!"

...

_Did those words really just come out of my mouth?! I'm talking to the vice captain! Jeez, and I sounded so demanding too, of all the insensitive things I could have said! What should I do? Run back inside? No... I'll run into the forest. Maybe I'll even freeze to death, or get eaten by a wild animal! It would be better than this embarrassment. Oh god, now what-_

"My, you could really tell all that from just looking at me? It's amazing how magic can hone other skills... alright then. If you're fine with the cold, let's walk."

... _oh? I'm not in trouble?_ Miraculously, Julius even looks slightly amused as he gestures at me, frozen in place in the snow. "Come on! I'm not going to bite."

"...alright." I shake my head a little before trudging up to his side. _Maybe I should have just gone inside when I had the chance. Now I'm stuck out here..._ I glance over at Julius to see that he has a more neutral expression as we walk, his eyes fixed on the snowy path ahead. "So... what's been going on?"

Julius lets out one breath, letting it fog in the air in front of him. "A friend of mine died... to put it simply."

_That's what I thought,_ I think to myself. "I'm sorry to hear that. It was recent?"

"Yeah... well, about a month ago." Julius shakes his head a little, the wound obviously still fresh in his heart. "He was a magic knight, too, in the Purple Orcas."

I didn't know anyone from the other squads, so it's surprising to hear that Julius had a friend from the Purple Orcas. "... I'm sure he was a great magic knight, if you were friends with him."

That catches Julius's attention for a split second, and I notice his lips try to twitch back into a smile. "Oh? That's quite the compliment." He gives me a pointed look which I quickly avoid. "But yeah, he was probably the best magic knight I've ever met."

He slows to a stop, letting out another long sigh. "Look, the storm is clearing a little."

Indeed, the snow wasn't swirling around as violently as before, and the wind doesn't sting at my skin. In fact, we could see a couple stars in the sky, their light piercing through. 

"...I guess life is just cruel. It takes away the best people and leaves the rest of us to kill each other."

The sentiment is startling to hear, especially from such a mild-mannered man. It's a sign that, for the past month, Julius has been silently suffering, waiting for his peace to come.

_Life is cruel... but our fates aren't absolute. I know that better than anyone. I'm in the process of destroying my fate, after all._

I don't really know what to say to that, and Julius quickly picks up on the growing awkwardness. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off as angry at you-" He looks over at me and cuts himself off. "You okay? You're practically turning blue!"

"H-Huh?" To my horror, I barely feel my lips as I talk. I look down to see that the hands I've been hugging close to my body are shaking violently, and going numb as well. _Shit! I didn't realize how cold I was getting, maybe I should-_

"Here." I look up to see Julius starting to pull his cloak over his head. "Put this on, it's still warm from my body."

_Still warm from my body._

I draw in a startled gasp and step away three times quickly, stuttering out something incomprehensible. "Ah- uh- n-no thanks! It's ab-bout time I g-g-go inside anyway!"

At least my face is warm now. Julius realizes his mistake and opens his mouth awkwardly, retracting his offer. "Oh... sorry, I didn't mean-"

"No, no, it's fine!" I manage to compose myself and give him a shaky thumbs up. "Are you coming in or not?"

"I think I'll stay out a little longer." He relaxes and even gives me a smile after he pulls the cloak back on. "You were right... I feel a little better."

Well, at least this trip into the blizzard wasn't all for nothing. "I'm glad to hear it... See you later."

With that, I turn away and head back inside to join the others as they countdown into the new year, while Julius stays out to whether the storm just a little bit longer.


	2. | 2 |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: uhhh okay so there's a pretty brutal attack in this chapter, but it's pretty quick but it needs to leave an impression. It is NOT sexual assault so don't worry about that at least lol.

Nobody even wants to go to bed after the countdown is done and the new year begins. Wren keeps insisting we play more games, Hervey keeps producing more alcohol from somewhere, and our senior knights set the example by staying put. So, we keep eating, we keep drinking, and we keep talking... until my head hits the table and I black out. Not from alcohol, from exhaustion. I didn't drink enough to black out. 

"...ugh... guys, don't let me doze off like that again-"

I cut myself off after wearily raising my face once again. Everyone is gone. The lights are dimmed, and most of the mess has been cleared off the table. There's just a few unopened bottles of wine left out, but I am completely alone.

 _Huh... no one thought to wake me up? That's kind of strange._ I shrug and let out a yawn. _I need some sleep! But I should probably put these bottle back in the cellar first._

With aching limbs, I stand up from the bend and gather up all the bottles. Our cellar is always nice and cool, perfect for preserving wine. There's quite a few wine-drinkers on our squad, so it makes sense that it's a required fixture.

As I make my way there, I don't notice how... eerily quiet it is. Our base is usually bursting with noise (mostly because of Wren and the Junior Knights), but now there's not a peep. I assume that everyone has gone to bed already, since I'm not sure how long I passed out for.

I assume wrong.

The cellar always gave me the creeps. So, I dissmiss the hairs standing on the back of my neck as my usual fear of the dark, wet place. I open the door to the stone stairwell, letting a single narrow bit of light bleed down in the the cellar. Humming to myself so I don't feel as nervous, I start to trudge down them, watching my shadow sway back and forth on the steps below.

_Back and forth._

_Back and forth._

_Back and-_

I freeze. There's another shadow behind me.

_-forth._

Before I even have time to react and be startled, the person plants their boot between my shoulders and kicks once, hard. A frightened cry leaves my lips as I go tumbling down the stairs. The bottles I was holding shatter on impact, cutting my hands as I roll an impossibly long way before finally hitting the ground floor. I'm dizzy, disoriented, and the panic is suddenly starting to set in as I realize that I'm being attacked. 

A second shadow appears, and I don't get even a chance to glimpse at it before the door slams shut and the cellar is plunged into darkness. My breathing starts to get tight as I sit up and blindly look around. A pair of footsteps thunder down the stairs, right towards me, and I let out a scream as I desperately scoot away from them. _Who are these people?! Bandits?_ That shouldn't be possible, our base has a magical barrier that keeps out unwanted guests. _There's no way this is another member of my own squ-_

I'm kicked again, harder this time. Another cry leaves my lips as I roll and slam into the wall, hitting my head really hard. With this pitch darkness, my fear and disorientation are amplified tenfold, and I barely have time to register the pain when I'm grabbed with two rough hands and slammed to the ground again.

 _This person, they're strong- a man?_ I think, gasping a breath as those hands grab my throat. "Ahh! Stop! Stop! Who are yo-" My screams are muffled when something soft is stuffed into my mouth, so much that I nearly choke. Some kind of cloth? I reach for my Grimoire but it's been kicked away, and the hands begin to squeeze the life out of me. All the while, I know someone else, the second shadow, is just standing there, watching from above. I try to scream again, but it's caught in my throat, refusing to let me call for the help I desperately need. The person on top is strong, too strong...

My eyes tear up as I start to feel my consciousness fade away. _Is this person trying to kill me? Or... something worse?_

With my last strength, I reach up and paw desperately at the person's chest. The fabric of their cloak is soft, almost like sheepskin. It's a texture that I know all too well.

_This... this is a Grey Deer cloak._

_A member of my own squad... is doing this to me?_

I want to scream, kick, and cry, but I can't do any of those things. 

_And the other person... another squad member... is just watching?_

My hand falls from their chest back to the ground as the darkness fades into a comforting white.

_I... I don't want to die..._

_My life was just about to begin._

The pressure disappears from my neck, and I draw in an unconscious breath. Above me, I can hear a voice.

_"I-... I..."_

I don't know the voice. I can't differentiate between it and the roar of my own mind. 

_"I can't do it..."_

* * *

For the second time tonight, I wake up after passing out. Although, this time is a lot more unpleasant. I immediately sit up and let out a shriek, scooting away into a corner. Adrenaline pumps through my veins, and luckily I feel my Grimoire as my hand brushes past it, and I clutch it close to my chest as I sit there in the dark, curled up in a corner against the wall.

_Oh... god..._

I cap my hand over my mouth to keep from letting out a loud sob as everything comes back into focus. My palms are cut badly from when they held the shattered bottles, and my clothes reek of the wine that stains them. There's also something wet in my hair, probably also blood from when I hit my head. Every bone in my body hurts, abused and bruised beyond what I thought was possible. Slowly but surely, I start to calm down, coming back to my senses. With a trembling hand, I reach over myself and ascertain that all my clothes are still on, not ripped or anything, and still in their original spots. _Good... I'm fine. Everything is fine._

But it's not. Nothing is fine. The memories flood back and I can't hold back the tears anymore.

_A member of my own squad just attacked me. And another member stood there and watched. Why?! What were they trying to do? Why me? Who..._

My stomach turns as I think of the faces of all my comrades, smiling and having fun just earlier tonight. Some of them are even my friends... But my friends wouldn't do that to me? Would they?

....

I don't want to suspect any of them, all I want to do is climb back up those stairs and pretend that this never happened. But the blood on my face and the wine in my clothes proves otherwise.

After what seems like a long time, I gain the strength to limp over to the stairs and climb back up, forced to do so on all fours halfway up. Everything is still fuzzy, nothing quite making sense yet. When I open the cellar door and peer out, I almost fall back down from the force of the overwhelming light. _A concussion?_ Sucking in a breath, I step out to find that I'm alone, no one to see my wounds. 

_Good... Now, back to my room-_

I freeze.

_No... Elia's there. What if Elia was the one who watched?_

Panic starts to sink into my stomach.

_Oh my god... I can't trust a single person on this squad..._

Suddenly, there's footsteps behind me. I whip around, a little too fast, my Grimoire starting to glow. _Again?! Show me your face this time-_

The person who walks around the corner freezes when she sees me.

"Oh my god... what happened?!"

My oldest friend Alice drops her bags and runs up to me, grabbing me with her mitten-clad hands. "Jesus Christ, you're cut up, and- oh no-" Her golden eyes widen as she takes in the cut on my head. Then, she looks back into my tired eyes, which have started to tear up. "...tell me everything in the storeroom."

_Alice... you were out on a mission all night, you just got back... I can trust you!_

Alice, as I just said, is my oldest friend. Our families were both living in the same area of the noble realm, and we always played together and visited each other's houses. She's a tiny girl, with tanned skin and black hair cut as short as she can get it. She didn't cut her hair like that until we both left home, and tried to get me to do it once. It was not a good look on me. But she was the one who convinced me to join the magic knights... for the adventure, to get away from our overbearing parents but also... well, that plan has yet to play out.

Relief fills me as she basically drags me to the storage closet, where we keep all of our medical supplies. I don't really feel like going to any of the others with healing spells right now... because what it-

"Here, hold still." I wince as Alice starts to clean off the blood on my face, her other hand pressing on the wound to keep it from bleeding too much. She sniffs the air once she's done with the disinfecting. "Are you... covered in wine?"

I nod slowly, feeling tears start to well up in my eyes. Alice sighs before rummaging through some stuff and pulling out a big blanket. "Here. Take off those clothes and wrap up in this."

Awkwardly, I do as she says, stripping off my uniform and cloak before wrapping myself up in the blanket in a fashion more befitting a burrito. Alice sucks in a breath once she sees the bruises on my neck. "Ouch..." After wrapping up my hands and putting a bandage on my head, she starts to do the same to my neck. "So... what happened? Did you get in a fight."

"No..." I sniff, trying not to start panicking again. I have to remember; I'm safe with Alice. "I-I was att-ttacked, in the cellar-" My voice wavers dangerously, my lips trembling worse than when I went out in the cold earlier. "T-They pushed me down the stairs and ch-choked me-" I take a shuddering breath while Alice rubs my shoulders, her gaze becoming increasingly worried. "There were two of them... one just watched. The one who hit me was a man, and..." I squeeze my eyes shut. "He was wearing our squad robe."

"...oh god..." Alice's face starts to show fear as well. "Someone on the squad... no, two people on our squad, did that to you..." She starts to grit her teeth in anger before letting it burst out. "Why?! To _you?!_ Everyone likes you! Even fucking Wren does, though he'll never admit it-" For some reason, that makes me choke out a laugh. "But who could it have been..."

"Did you see anyone walking around when you came back in?" I ask quietly, dreading the answer.

Slowly, Alice nods. "Yeah... the only person awake right now is Julius."

...

_Julius?_

_Did he-_

"He was outside, walking around in circles and blowing up trees in the forest. I don't really know what his problem is-"

"What?! He's still outside?" I look up sharply into her eyes. "He's been out there for hours... so he hasn't come back in?"

"I don't know, but he was outside the perimeter, so I'd say so," Alice agrees, narrowing her eyes. "How do you know he was out there?"

"Earlier, before midnight, the captain sent me out to bring him back, but he refused."

Alice's eyes widen a bit. "You... were alone with Julius? And you didn't hit on him?"

"What?!" _That's_ what she decides to focus on. "Alice, I'm engaged!"

"So? A man like him, you don't hesitate to hit on," she tells me with a cheeky grin. I have a feeling she's just trying to lighten the mood after our heavy realization. It's true, every girl on this squad has had a crush on Julius at some point, even me, admittedly. But that was when I first joined, seven years ago, and we didn't even talk! The "I'm engaged" thing is just an excuse at this point, anyway... but still! "Alice, that's not the issue here."

"Well, you know what this means, right? If Julius was outside this whole time, he can't have been in the cellar with you, unless he ran a mile here and back in a ridiculously short period of time."

 _Yes... Julius..._ For some reason, I can't help but smile. _I can trust him._

I don't want to sleep in my room alone with Elia tonight, so Alice takes me with her to her room, which she shares with one of our newest junior knights, Cecilia. The 15-year-old sits up as soon as we shuffle in. "Alice! You're back- what happened to you?" Her eyes widen when she sees me.

"None of your business," Alice tells her a bit rudely. "Go back to sleep."

"...ok."

I try to sleep as I curl up with Alice in her twin bed, but I can't. Because, at the end of the day, despite being able to trust Julius and Alice...

_Two people on my squad attacked me. And it could be any one of them._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Congrats on making it through the first 2 chapters! I hope you will continue to read this as I keep updating and adding to the mystery! I'm really excited for this fic and would like to ready your thoughts in the comments, so go ahead and leave some! See you next time~


	3. | 3 |

"Holy Hell on Earth, what happened to you?"

This is what I've been dreading ever since I woke up about 30 minutes ago. Every pain I had last night is amplified after my restless night, and now I have to go to breakfast for everyone to see. Alice helped me get dressed and changed the bandages. When I asked if I could just have breakfast in her room, she insisted that we go downstairs to join the others. _"When they see you, I'll size up their reactions, to see if any of them appear suspicious. Also, someone with recovery magic can fix you up, so you won't be in pain."_ It's a solid plan, but it doesn't help the fact that I'm petrified as fourteen pairs of eyes stare at me with varying levels of shock and disgust, taking in the various injuries on my body. 

"I-...I-..." I stare at the ground as I try to come up with an explanation, clenching my fists by my side to keep them from shaking too obviously. I'm scared, of course, but also angry. Two of these so-called comrades of mine did this to me. Maybe they're surprised to see me alive and well, or maybe not... but for now, I decide to act like nothing happened. Maybe that will draw them out again.

"I had to clean up after you guys, you left three perfectly-good bottles of wine sitting out to get flat," I finally muster the courage to say, even putting on a smile. "Then, I was a big clutz and tripped down the cellar stairs. I'm alright, though, I just need someone to heal me."

"...Clutz is right," Wren teases, shaking his head at me. "You probably broke the wine bottles, didn't you?"

"You broke them?!" Captain Hervey seems to be taking offense with _that_ one detail.

"That's strange though... I thought I had all the bottles cleared when we left for bed," Vice Captain Malota mutters, frowning a little. _That is strange... so, someone might have put the bottles out after everyone left, as bait for me to go into the cellar?_ I get a chill. So, my attack was coordinated _that_ well...

"Here, let me see your wounds."

We have three healing mages on our squad at the moment. Malota with her fume magic, the senior knight Simon with his vibration magic, and-

I turn around and come face-to-chest with Julius, who snuck up on me from behind. I'm a little startled but less so than I could have been. "Ah, yeah, here." I cautiously pull the bandages off, and Julius winces a little at the sight of the wound on my head. Out of everyone here in the dining room, he looks the least hungover (other than Alice). "Ouch... you hit your head when you fell down the stairs?" he asks, raising his hand to hover over the spot. A bright blue glow appears, and slowly I start to feel the pain fade away. _Amazing... Julius's time magic is so powerful and flexible._ Just like that, the wound is gone, the pain only a memory.

"Yeah, I also cut my hands when I broke the bottles-" I hold up my hands to show him. Julius nods slowly, and I expect him to hover his hands like he did before, but instead he just goes ahead and gently grabs them. I immediately forget what I was trying to say and just fall silent as he heals those as well. "Thank you... it feels much better now."

"You're welcome! But-" Julius points at his own neck. "What about that? How'd you get those bruises on your neck?"

 _... uh oh._ I really hope that Alice is watching for a reaction from the others, because I don't have an explanation other than " _I was throttled_ " for the bruises around my neck. "I... I uh..." I shake my head. "I don't know, they just appeared."

"Hmm." Julius's eyes narrow for a split second suspiciously. "That's weird. But no matter, I can heal those too."

"Thank you." 

His hands are already glowing blue again as they reach out to hover around my neck. But the movement strikes something inside me like flint on steel, a primal fear suddenly roaring to life.

"NO!"

My hand instinctively comes up and bats his away with one swift movement, halting his spell. Julius's eyes widen at the gesture, his hands recoiling. We stand there for a moment, frozen, until the oppressive awkwardness suddenly hits me. Everyone is looking at us now, wondering what the hell is going on.

"I-I-mean-" I clear my throat and cautiously lower my hands, my cheeks starting to heat up. _Damn it! Remember, you can trust him... he wasn't about to grab your neck or anything._ "Sorry, I don't know why I did that. You can... continue." 

Julius gulps nervously, even the usually-confident man worried at the sudden outburst directed towards him. "Alright... don't worry, I'm not going to grab your neck or anything." His smile returns with those words, and somehow it manages to melt away just a little bit of the fear that's still inside.

"Thank you."

As soon as he's done, I roll my head twice, glad to feel all the pain gone. The tension is still hanging everyone's heads, and the only thing I can think of doing right now is escaping. "Well, have a good morning, everyone!" I say, trying to seem cheerful, before grabbing a pastry, sticking it in my mouth, and running off to the nearest exist.

"...yikes. She's acting strange," Margery mumbles, her eyes bloodshot from her hangover.

"Stranger than _usual,_ you mean," Wren adds, seemingly unbothered as he goes back to scarfing down his food. "I wonder if her rumored 'fiance' is getting on her nerves again. Or maybe it's just pre-nup nerves."

"Wren, would you shut up."

The grounds are covered with a bright blanket of snow, and I have to blink a few times to get used to it. It's a regular winter wonderland out here, one that I would usually enjoy under different circumstances. With a sigh, I stop walking once I'm alone, allowing myself to enjoy my pastry for once. 

"Hey, you alright?"

I look around to see Alice join me, holding more pastries in a napkin. _Thank god! One wasn't going to be enough._ "Yeah... sorry, I didn't mean to freak out like that, especially in front of Julius. It's just... he seemed like he was about to grab my neck, and it kind of-" I shrug, and she gets the point. "Did anyone react suspiciously."

Alice shakes her head. "No... then again, not everyone was at breakfast. But the people who were there all just looked worried or weirded out. Nothing stood out... I'm sorry."

Interesting. "It's okay."

I still don't want to believe that it was one of them, but there's no way around it.

"For now... I think we should just wait and watch. I would go to the Captain, but I'm worried that he was one of the people involved." Alice's brow furrows with worry at the idea. Everyone respects Captain Hervey, but he doesn't have an alibi that we know of. The man who hit me could have very well been him. "Try to act normal... maybe that will draw the attackers out again, if this is some kind of plot." I feel oddly analytical right now, letting myself indulge in reason rather than the less structured emotions that threaten to crash down on me.

"Alright. But I don't want you sleeping alone with Elia," Alice insists. "We should try and get you put in my room instead, or vice versa."

The idea is a little scary. "We'll have to talk to Hervey about that... or maybe you can convince Cecilia to move."

"Good idea!"

Out of nowhere, a snowball flies out and hits me in the side of the head. "Ah!" I stumble and fall on my butt, wincing from the jolt. 

"Hey! What's the matter with you two! Didn't you hear that she fell down the stairs yesterday?!" Alice starts to chew out Elia, Nigel, and Giles as they walk towards us. Nigel has a grin on his face, which quickly falls. "Oops! We were aiming for you, Alice!"

"We?" Giles repeats, taking off his glasses to rub off the fog on the lens. "Nigel, this is why you're still a Junior Magic Knight."

"Oof!"

"Anyway, any particular reason why you two are eating breakfast out here?" Giles cocks his head a little to look at us.

"Um, not really-"

"Julius scared her away, maybe. He looked like he was going to grab your neck, uh hu hu~" Nigel teases, laughing ominously.

"Lucky! I wish he would grab _my_ neck."

"Elia!" Alice's mouth falls open, and the other girl just giggles. "Anyway, it wasn't any of those reasons. Just look around! It's a gorgeous day, even after that terrible blizzard last night."

"Exactly! Perfect for a snowball fight." Nigel turns and chucks one point blank into Giles's face, causing him to get knocked over. Giles swears as he sits back up, snow stuck behind his glasses. The sight is funny enough to make everyone descend into laughter, and for a split second I forget that I can't trust any of them, letting out a little chuckle of my own.

* * *

"You're telling me we have to go down in a _mine?"_

"Yes, Martin, you're going down in a mine." Captain Hervey is about as done with Martin as the rest of us. Martin is one of our newest recruits, from the same exam as Cecilia, but he can't be bothered to get excited about _any_ kind of work. He's apparently royalty, a member of the Vermillion family, so maybe he was just expected to become a magic knight and his heart isn't in it. However, he chose the Grey Deer instead of the traditional Crimson Lion Kings, maybe just to slack off. "You've hardly been on any missions since you joined, and I'm starting to regret accepting you."

Martin visibly winces at the insult. "Stop being such a baby! It's true-" Hervey barks. "Anyway, you'll be with your cousin Forwin. And you-" He points at me where I stand behind Martin. "You'll be going as well. It's rumored that there could be some Diamond mages down in the mine, searching for the same thing as us. You're illusions will come in handy if you need to escape. And of course, Julius, you're in charge."

I glance over at Julius standing beside Forwin by the side of the room. "Got it, sir! All we need to do is pick up the magical gems in the mines?"

"Yeah, before anyone else gets their grubby hands on it."

I'm extremely glad that Julius is coming. It's been a week since my attack, and nothing of note has happened. Then again, I've been near Alice the whole time, day and night. She convinced her roommate to switch with me, so now I'm Alice's roommate, just like old times. But today, I'm actually being sent on a pretty serious mission, and the thought of being alone with anyone right now is... unpleasant. I've been pretty good about acting like everything is normal, but I still can't sleep, and I can't shake the feeling of someone's eyes stuck on the back of my head.

It's sickening. I want to throw up.

But not today! Now that Julius is here, I don't have to worry about being stabbed in the back by either Forwin or Martin. We file out behind our Vice Captain to the shed where we keep the brooms. "These brooms can fit two people, but we only need to bring one. I can take someone with me," Julius tells us, throwing a broom to Forwin. Julius's magic allows him to move at near instant speeds, perfect for long-range transportation. It's almost like he's teleporting. "So? Who's it going to be?"

I glance over at Forwin. He's a large, burly man with red hair tied up into a bun, and two glimmering, poisonous green eyes. He could definitely push me off his broom and murder me.

"I-I'll go with you!" I blurt out a little faster than I probably meant to. Forwin says nothing but just shrugs while Martin lets out a groan. "Fine!"

_I might have dodged a bullet there... what if the two of them were the ones in the cellar? They could be plotting to get me alone-_

My paranoia is interrupted as Julius gently grabs my arm and pulls me closer to him. I almost shy away but then I remember that I kind of asked him for the ride to the mine. "Well, that's settled. I'll take the bag-" Julius picks up the bag of mining supplies provided to us by the Captain. "-and I'll take you." _You_ obviously refers to me. "I'll see you guys in half an hour!"

And without any more discussion, the two of us zoom off at a high speed, _much_ faster than I anticipated. I squeeze my eyes shut and hold on for dear life, but in just a couple seconds it's over.

"You alright?"

I open my eyes to find that I'm holding onto Julius a lot more closely than I was initially, both of my hands clutching the fabric of his shirt. "Ah! Yes, yes-" I pat his chest once awkwardly before stepping back, stumbling a bit as I regain my balance. "That was... fun."

"I know, right?" Julius grins a little, proud of himself. "That 30 minute trip took us less than 5 seconds, you know."

"Wow..." My eyes widen a little, then I look around at our surroundings. We're in an evergreen forest, the ground rocky and sparsely covered with grass and slushy snow. It's chilly, too, after the blizzard last week. _We're pretty far north. This is close to the Diamond Kingdom's border, too._ My gaze falls on a half-collapsed in entrance in the hillside, leading into some dark pit. "That's the mine?"

"Yep!" Julius starts to rummage through the mining supplies as I approach the mine entrance. I can't see very far down into it, and it looks pretty sketchy. "It used to be a hotspot for mining magical gems that amplified mana. It's been abandoned for a while, but the village nearby has been sighting some unsavory people wandering around here lately. So, there could be some gems still down deep in there."

"Hmm. Interesting." The mine doesn't look like it's in very safe shape, so my biggest worry is that it's going to collapse in on us and trap us for the rest of eternity. "I hope we don't get crushed by rocks or anything."

"That's why we have _these._ How do I look?"

I turn around to see Julius giving me a goofy grin under a mining helmet that sinks a little too low over his face. The sight is so comical that I can't help but burst out laughing, which seems to be his intention. "Hey! Don't make fun of safety. Here-" In a flash, he's standing next to me, and places an identical helmet on my head, just making me laugh more. "Even though we can use magic, we never know what's going to happen. The captain insisted."

"I know, I know-" I finally manage to compose myself and wipe off my eyes. I haven't laughed this hard for... a while. "Sorry... it looks a bit out of place on us."

"Yeah, that's true." Julius winks before taking it off to reveal that it mashed down his hair, causing me to start laughing again.

Thirty minutes later, Forwin and Martin land next to us, looking a bit weary from the long ride. "Ah, nice of you to finally show up," Julius chides, earning a glare from Forwin and another giggle from me. Martin opens his mouth to retort, but remembers that he can't be disrespectful to his vice captain so he shuts up. "Everyone, put on a helmet and grab a pickaxe." I press my lips together to keep from letting out more laughs. _Pickaxes, too? My, my, we're so prepared...._ "Forwin, you should go first so you can light our way."

"Right." Forwin dons his gear before lighting his hand on fire. "Let's go."

And with that, the four of us descend into the mine, single file, with me bringing up the rear. No one will be able to push me from behind that way. For the first time in a whole week, I feel strangely... at ease. _I guess that shows how valuable it is to have someone you can trust nearby,_ I think as I walk, my eyes moving up to the back of Julius's head as he walks in front of me. _I never thought it would be Julius... but I guess this is okay._ For some reason, I catch myself smiling at the thought. _He even made me laugh... it's almost as if he's trying to make me feel better._

Whatever the reason, it reminds me of what my goal needs to be: I'll find out who my attackers are, so I can go back to trusting all my comrades once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this is everything I have written so far. I have an idea of where I'm going, but let me know if there's any scenes you think would fit/be cool 👀👀


	4. | 4 |

Luckily, I'm not one of those people who's scared of confined spaces, otherwise this little trip down into the mine would be a lot more nerve-wracking. It's pretty scary as it is, but it dawns on me that it's just because the _last_ time I descended into a dark, underground area, I was pushed and beaten half to death. That's the main reason why I bring up the rear, letting Julius, Martin, and Forwin head out in front. Even so, I keep glancing behind myself, noting when the light from the entrance finally disappears.

"How much farther do we have to go?" Forwin asks, having to turn to the side to squeeze through a particularly narrow gap. "This is starting to look a little dangerous..."

"It's quite a ways down, I'm afraid," Julius replies, slipping through after Martin. "This mine was stripped pretty heavily, so if there's any gems, they'll be down in the very deepest part."

 _Wonderful! No one will find our bodies,_ I think, a little morbidly, before squeezing through the crack myself, stumbling a bit as I come out the other side. "Be careful, there's a lot of loose rocks." Julius glances back at the sound.

"Yeah, I can tell-" I catch myself before I say anything too rude. "Thanks for the memo."

Julius just smiles before turning to continue. _Remember, he might be someone you can trust, but that doesn't mean I can get so comfortable with him... well, unless I_ can. _If he's the only person other than Alice with an alibi for that night, then I_ should _try and become closer to him._ The plan starts to formulate in my mind as we walk along in silence. _It won't be like me and Alice, but it'll make things easier._ I look back up from the ground, back to the back of his head.

_He's a nice guy, after all-_

Suddenly, something above us starts to shake, causing us all to freeze. "What the Hell?! Don't tell me that's an earthquake!?" Martin squeals, his head craning up to see.

"It's possible." Forwin seems pretty unbothered with the situation. "I didn't think we were near a tectonic plate, though-"

He's cut off as dust starts to pour down on us. Some gets in my eyes and I'm temporarily blinded. "OUch!" I urgently try to wipe it off, but then even louder, more ominous sounds start to crescendo. Martin doesn't even make out any words, he just screams and covers his head. "It's actually going to collapse!" Forwin's composure breaks for the first time as he freezes like a deer in the headlights (pun intended). I can't even see, and I don't even have time to be panicked. _Shit! My magic can't do anything against physical attacks-_

Luckily, at least one person is thinking straight. "Hold on-" Julius simply raises his hands as a rock suddenly starts to crash down on us. It immediately halts in midair, suspended in some kind of bubble. He clenches his fist, and it blips away into nothingness. "See? I told you we'd be fine."

Martin babbles something incomprehensible into his hand as Forwin and I look up to see that the ceiling has caved to reveal another passageway above us. Not a vote of confidence for the integrity of this mine, but at least Julius seems to be confident. _And I need to be confident, too..._ "We would have been fine anyway," I say, crossing my arms. "That's why you gave us these, right?" I point at my hard hat.

"Right, right." Julius manages a chuckle before turning back towards our path. "Come on, we still have a long way to go."

And so, we continue on down, Forwin's flame lighting our way. I'm not sure how we're going to find our way back to the surface, but I'm sure Julius has a plan for that, too. At long last, the passageway starts to open up. Forwin's flame grows larger, lighting up each corner of the cavern. "There! Look at that!" We look over at Martin's shout, to see something glimmering within a crack in the rocks.

"My, there really are some gems stuck in here." Julius quickly goes over and tries to pry it out with no luck. "Someone, use your pickaxe."

"Can't you just use your magic?" I ask, knowing full well that he could vaporize those rocks like he did just a little earlier.

Julius shrugs. "I could, but I might accidentally destroy the gem."

"Ah, okay. I got it, then." I feel a bit weird as he steps aside so I can start chipping away at the rock. Like the captain said earlier, my magic will come in handy if we need to escape an enemy, but not so much if we need to destroy rocks, or light our way. No one expects much of Martin at this point, but I at least want to feel helpful. While I work, Julius and Forwin make Martin start digging out another gem before searching for more. "Look! I got it!" I finally manage to chip the gem free and hold it up for Julius to see as he runs over excitedly. "These really amplify magic?"

"Apparently. You can make magic items with them, too." Julius takes it and holds it up like some pawn shop owner inspecting a new ware. "I'll have to show this to Elger... he can tell us what they can be used for." Elger is one of the senior knights, with versatile transcription magic that's good for making weapons and magical items. If anyone would know, he would. "Good job, keep looking!" Julius gives me a thumbs up, and for some reason my heart does a somersault in my chest. _...right. Keep looking._

An hour of searching later, we've exhausted this chamber of gems. Julius has a nice little bag of them now, which he sticks somewhere under his cape. "God... it's so hot..." Martin rubs the sweat off of his face, panting. "I can hardly breathe down here-"

"Quit whining, you should be honored to get to go on missions like this," his cousin scolds, holding up his hand as if to swat him in the back of the head.

"Now, now, it's perfectly fine. We've all worked hard." Julius steps in before tensions can rise further. "We can head home now."

"Thank you!" Martin basically starts sprinting off, leaving us all in the dust. "Whoa! Martin, you don't know the way!"

The three of us run after him, which is hard when we're carting around mining equipment. "Martin, really, slow down!" Julius sounds like a concerned parent as he calls out after the younger boy. "I don't want anyone getting-"

Right before he says the word _hurt,_ a massive tremor rocks the cave, sending us all flying in separate directions. "Ahh!" I cover my face and hear a loud _CRACK,_ like when the cave was collapsing earlier. A moment later, I hit the ground and start rolling. I let out a shriek of surprise before finally halting as I hit a wall. "Ouch-" I hit my head, but luckily it doesn't hurt too much due to the hard hat on my head. Slowly, I sit up, hearing a fight nearby. _Wait, so there actually were enemies after the gems... good thing we got here when we did!_

"You alright?"

I realize that I'm not alone, and turn around quickly to see someone looming over me in the darkness. I choke out a gasp and scoot back, spooked by the sudden closeness. A flame is lit, and I recognize them as Forwin. _Thank god, not an enemy-_

However, that realization doesn't make my panic dissipate. In fact, it only grows stronger.

_Not an enemy..._

_But..._

_He is, isn't he?_

Confusion passes through Forwin's eyes as I refuse to take the hand he's held out for me.

 _His silhouette..._ My vision starts to blur and my lungs shrink in fear. _It could be the one... the one who attacked me-_

"Did you hit your head or something?"

 _...I can do it. I can escape... If I cast_ Fear Landscape-

"Hey, you two alright down there?"

A familiar, comforting voice calls down to us from above, and I look up to see Julius peering down at us from a ledge. The quake must have cracked the ground into a lower and higher elevation. His eyes are on both of us now, and my paranoia starts to fade.

_Right... even if Forwin was the attacker, would he really try anything right here? Where Julius could easily see?_

"Yeah, we're fine." I finally reach out and take Forwin's hand, allowing him to pull me to my feet. "What happened? Where's Martin?"

"Martin's fine," Julius calls back, watching as we start to clamber up to him. "There were some mages here, just two. I got them both pretty good and they ran off. We'll probably see them again soon."

"Great!" I grunt as I pull myself up the rock face with difficulty, my hands scraped on the rock. Julius quickly reaches out and grabs my wrist. I let out a surprised sound as he pulls me the rest of the way up with almost frightening ease. _He's so strong..._ I catch myself before I can think about that fact any further. Forwin reaches us next, just glancing at me with a weird look on his face. _I need to stop acting so strange... but for now I'll just pretend that never happened._ "Come on, let's go."

Julius makes us all walk next to each other this time, which is a little awkward but probably the safest bet. We don't want one of us to get snatched. Martin's teeth are basically chattering the whole time. "H-Hey," he stutters at me, pulling on my sleeve. "If we die today... I need to tell someone my secret."

Forwin groans as if he already knows what this is about. "Martin, we're not going to die-"

"My name's not Martin!" the boy blurts out. "It's Martini! My name is Martini Vermillion!"

"... _what?!"_ I almost stop in my tracks, but funnily enough I find myself stifling a giggle. "That's your secret?"

Martin hangs his head. "My old man is obsessed with naming his kids after alcoholic drinks... my brother Brandy is in on it too."

"Huh..." No one really knows what to say to that. "Well, now that you told me that, I might start calling you Martini."

"NO! Please don't-"

"Shh!" Julius suddenly stops and holds out his arm to halt us. We look ahead to see five cloaked mages standing in front of us, blocking our path. "...I take it you're the ones responsible for the earthquake?"

"So what if we are," one of them sneers. "We know you got the gems, hand them over."

"I can't do that." Julius wiggles his fingers in anticipation. "Are you from the Diamond Kingdom?"

"Hell no! We just want to get rich. Now, the gems, please!"

Julius shakes his head slowly, glancing back at us. "I'll make this quick-"

"No." He stops short as I suddenly interrupt him. "These mages..." I narrow my eyes. "Let me take them."

Julius gulps nervously, but a little smile comes to grace his lips. "You sure?"

For some reason, that smile gives me strength. "Definitely."

Julius nods once, then steps out of the way. I draw in a shaky breath before looking out at the enemy mages. "You heard him. Get out of our way, or I'll make you regret it."

The five of them snicker among each other at my words. "Oh? And how are you going to do that? Has a pretty little thing like you taken on five men at once before?"

 _Wow, rude._ I raise my hand, my pale gold Grimoire starting to flip open to a specific page. "Get out of our way, or I'll put a hole through all five of you."

"Ooh~ Sounds like fun!" They're Grimoires are flipping open as well, but too late. "Well, go ahead and try-"

_Illusion Magic: Sudden Death._

...

I've never seen my own illusions from _Sudden Death._ It's one of my more simple spells, one that doesn't require me to glean intimate information from my target. There's one thing that everyone fears, even those who deny it: Death. So, the easiest way to scare someone is to make them think that they've died.

In my mind, I imagine what they see: Five beams of golden light shooting out of my Grimoire and right into their chests. It can be as fast as I want, because this spell is only bound by my own imagination. They freeze as soon as the "attack" hits, and I know it's convincing because they stumble back. "W-What was that? What did you-"

One of the bandits looks down at his chest, where he was hit, and his words catch in his throat.

I look away from his face. I always hate the way I make them feel, even if it's all pretend. Because my illusions are potent enough to make them imagine the pain.

_...I'm sorry._

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!???"

Wretched screams fill the air, but luckily it's quick. All five of the bandits fall to the ground in various positions, panicking and writing around with nothing but fear in their eyes. It'll last 10 minutes or so, even after I release the spell. "Come on, let's go," I tell the others, and we quickly walk over the bodies and run off towards the exit of the cave at long last.

I hear the cries fade into the distance, but they don't leave my mind.

_At least I know... I can protect myself. I just need to be ready. But even so, I really don't like doing stuff like that._

Before long, we run out of the mine and into the sunlight. "God, it's bright!" Martin immediately starts complaining. Forwin groans and stretches his arm, which he must have landed on pretty hard back during the attack. I stand there silently, staring at the ground and lost in my thoughts over what just happened. I feel good about myself and happy that I was helpful, but _Sudden Death_ always leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

But a large, warm hand lands on my shoulder, drawing my gaze up to Julius once again. "Thank you for stepping in... because of you, we were able to get out of there without a bad fight. It could have gotten nasty."

Slowly, I manage to smile. "Right... I'm glad I could be of help!"

"You always are." Julius smiles again before turning to Forwin and Martin. "You two good to go back?"

"Yeah." Forwin digs the broom out from the bush he hid it in- good thinking. "See you back at the base."

"Wonderful. Shall we?" Julius holds out his hand, which I eagerly take.

"Let's go home."

* * *

"That's awesome! It always amazes me that you can kick ass without even summoning an attack!" Alice is basically jumping from foot to foot as I recount the mission to her and the others. "That's my roommate, for you!"

"You're like a master manipulator," Giles adds with a grin, fascinated as well.

"I don't get what's so great." Wren pops up behind me to rain on our parade as usual. "It's not flashy in the slightest."

"Wren, shut up, or I'll put a hole through your stomach, too." I raise my hand threateningly, which makes him recoil. We all burst into laughter at the reaction, before a booming voice yells at us.

"Quit dragging your feet! Dinner's ready and you four are always late!"

"Sorry, Captain!" we all yell before quickly running to the mess hall. Everyone else is already gathered there, eating and chatting. Say what you will about our squad, but it's nice that everyone manages to gather together for dinner every night. It strengthens the bonds between us, as both friends and comrades.

 _... at least... the bonds that_ appear _to be there._

But that makes me remember something. I look over near the end of the table at Julius, who's sitting there next to Elger. Elger has one of the gems in his hand and is inspecting it closely as Julius watches. However, the seat on Julius's other side is empty.

_Right! Operation Befriend Julius Novachrono begins now!_

With a massive amount of willpower, I push my shame aside and just go ahead and sit down next to him. It takes him a moment to realize I'm here, and he only blinks once in surprise before smiling. "Hello there? You're sitting next to me today?"

"Uh, yeah." I stare at my plate of food like it's the most interesting thing I've ever seen in my life. "Is that a problem?"

"No, I'm honored!" His words put me at ease a little. "It was fun going on the mission with you today, it's always nice to watch you work."

"Oh, thank you-"

I look up from my plate as he keeps talking, to see my friends at the other end of the table all staring at me incredulously. Alice has a goofy smile on her face, Giles's eyebrows are nearly to his hairline, Elia looks jealous, and Nigel wrinkles his nose. _Sorry guys... I'll be back with you for breakfast. But this is something I need to do._

I turn back to listen to Julius, and for the rest of the meal, I somehow forget about the problem that plagues me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First four chapters: DONE! I hope you have a good idea of what this fic is going to be like, so leave comments with suggestions/concerns/ideas/thoughts/etc! Thanks for reading so far!


	5. | 5 |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the title bc I wasn't vibing with the other one. Enjoy!

"Captain, do you have a minute-"

I stop talking as soon as I poke my head into Captain Hervey's office. It's a sizable room, with rich wood paneling and blue wallpaper making it seem cozy. Several stuffed deer heads are hanging above the severe man's desk, where he sits across from his vice captains. Both Malota and Julius turn around to look at me; obviously I'm interrupting a meeting. "A-Ah, sorry, I'll come back later-"

"Nonsense, spit it out. But make it quick." Hervey gestures me closer, and I gulp and enter the room, a paper clutched in my hands. "What's that?"

This is always a little awkward, even though I've given several of these requests to him over the years. But it's his fault for having the "only registered guests only" rule for our base. "Lawrence wants to come visit tomorrow, can I get your approval?"

Hervey lets out a snort of laughter. "Your fiance? He was here pretty recently, wasn't he? Why do you keep inviting him here, just go visit him yourself."

"Ah, well, he insists. I can't really say no to him..."

 _But you can, sir._ I watch as he takes the paper and looks at it carefully, as if he's making up his mind. Meanwhile, I'm praying that he says _NO_ so I have a good reason to avoid seeing Lawrence tomorrow. Malota looks bored and lets a sigh out through her vulture-like nose. Julius stares at the Captain's table silently. Another reason why I wanted to avoid asking in front of other people is because it becomes awkward like this. Neither of our Vice Captains want to hear about my personal life, I'm sure. 

"Very well. But he better be gone by dinner time, I'm not feeding him, even if he _is_ a prince!"

 _Fuck!_ I force a smile as he signs the paper, a magical chill moving through the room as he does so. Somehow, Hervey can manipulate the barrier spell he cast around the base to let authorized guests enter after he signs off on it. His ice magic is some of the most powerful I've ever seen, and he's able to upkeep such a potent spell all day and night, subconsciously. He really is amazing, despite his faults, and it's easy to see why he's captain. "Thank you, sir, sorry for interrupting." With that, I turn and shuffle out of the room, feeling a small weight of dread in the pit of my stomach.

_Why, though? Why are you dreading this? Lawrence is your Fiance, your future Husband! Shouldn't you be happy to see him?_

That's probably what you're thinking, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. I tolerate Lawrence Kira, and that's all. He's 5 years older than me, always acts like he's my superior (which he is, but come on!), and really isn't the most considerate person. He always talks about how great things are expected of him, and how he needs a supportive wife to help him achieve those things and continue the Kira line. _"One day."_ he always tells me. _"One day, our children could be the King. Wouldn't you like that?"_

_No... Not really, actually._

But I can't tell him that. If I show any disrespect, he'll bring the hammer down, on both me and my parents. We're already on thin ice, and this marriage is supposed to save my family. When the engagement was first decided, I was only 5 years old and had no idea what it even meant. As I grew older, I was told how romantic it was going to be. Doesn't every girl want to marry a prince? I was excited to live out what seemed like a fairy tale.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. It soon became clear that Lawrence would never actually love me. At least not all of me. Not only that, but like I said, he's older than me, and as we spent more and more time together, he started to force me to grow up a bit faster than I should have. I'm sure you can guess what I mean. 

If I didn't have Alice, I don't know what I would have done. But when I came to her and revealed that I didn't want to marry this prince, she didn't shun me or say I was crazy. She held me, and told me that we were going to get out of this, together. And so, I joined the magic knights, as the first step of my plan. The wedding that was supposed to be when I turned 18 was postponed. Luckily, the Magic Knights are a very esteemed and legitimate career path for both Royalty and nobility, so I was able to get away with it. Lawrence's family even said they were proud that their son would be marrying a magic knight.

_Well... it's been 7 years since then. There's no plans for a wedding yet. This engagement can only go on so long before Lawrence decides to break it off. By that time, I'll be able to support my family myself! I don't need a marriage, and I'll finally be free to do what I want._

That's my secret, the secret only Alice and I know. My one hope for tomorrow is that Lawrence will coldly tell me that he can't wait around any longer, and will break it off right then and there.

Of course, it's never that easy.

"Hello, Lawrence."

I stand outside the base to meet him as he transports in with the help of a spatial mage. He brushes himself off before looking up, his grey eyes quickly meeting mine. Unintentionally, I feel a cold chill down my back, something that's always happened when he looks at me like that. "It's been too long, have you really been that busy?" Lawrence asks as he walks over, pulling his cloak a little tighter around himself. The snow has long melted, but its freeze still hangs lightly in the air around us.

"Er, yes, pretty busy." I let him take my hand and pull it up to his lips, not bothering to bend over. A royal shouldn't bow to anyone, after all. His lips are cold on my skin as he kisses the back of my hand, before dropping it immediately. "I actually had a pretty big mission a few days ago, I was able to beat five guys-"

"Yeah, I'm sure. You can tell it to me over lunch." Lawrence dismisses my story kind of quickly before turning to walk towards the base. I wince and hold out a hand to stop him. "Uh-er, we can't eat here!"

"Hmm? Why not?" Lawrence throws a glance over his shoulder.

"Captain Hervey said, uh... we can't spare food right now for outsiders."

"Hmph. Fine. We'll eat in town." Lawrence sighs and turns to walk back to me, grabbing my hand as he does. "Also, what did I tell you about using filler words? Stop saying _um_ and _er_ so much."

"R-right, sorry." I let him pull me along, away from the base.

"Man... are they really in love?" 

Giles leans on the windowsill as the others gather around him, peeping down at me and Lawrence as we walk off out of sight. "Every time he comes, she looks like she'd rather be somewhere else."

"It's true," Alice pipes up, leaning against the wall and not bothering to look. "He's a real piece of work, you know."

"How can that be? He's a prince." Elia crosses her arms. "Who wouldn't want to marry a prince?"

"She just wants to live a normal life, I think. She's not cut out for that royalty stuff anyway."

"Nigel, shut up."

Meanwhile, Lawrence and I reach town and make our way towards my favorite resteraunt there. "There's really no other place to eat?" Lawrence asks, pulling his hood up over his head, his eyes darting around the street.

"It's my favorite! I think you'll like it, too." I squeeze his hand, causing him to smile for a moment. "You're afraid of being recognized."

"Yeah... I have a pretty big fanclub you know!"

_... I doubt that..._

Our base is located in a forest right outside the limits of the noble realm. We're close enough to town so we can get all of our supplies, but secluded enough that Captain Hervey is able to put up our barrier. It honestly feels like a little sanctuary for the squad, but I still like going in to town to see the usual hustle-and-bustle of civilization.

"You know, this type of place _does_ have a little charm." Lawrence talks to me as he quietly sips his beer. His eyes keep darting around the restaurant, as if he were analyzing everything in sight. He's always been like that, cool and calculated, always scheming or sizing the world up. He's really an intelligent man, someone who can keep a level head in any situation. His magic is very strong, too, and it's interesting that he never joined the Magic Knights. When I asked him why a long time ago, he simply said that it wasn't his style. I have a feeling he'd rather be involved in the government down the line.

"I'm glad you think so. I guess not all Royals are so stuffy," I answer, playfully nudging his foot under the table. Lawrence narrows his eyes at me but can't conceal his smile. _Ah! I need to stop being so cute around him, remember?_

"I'm not _that_ stuffy, am I? I can have fun... what do you and the squad do for fun, anyway?" Lawrence yawns a little, scratching his chin under his hood.

"Hmm..." I think over the past for a moment. "Well, we have little parties in our base now and then. Oh, also, the Captain lets us go to the beach on our days off! We also like to come to town to go drinking some nights."

"Ah... that sounds like fun. A little crude, but fun." Lawrence nods along with my words. "Maybe I'll take you to the beach sometime, just the two of us."

_Just the two of us._

"...yeah, sure."

By the time lunch is done, it's obvious to me that Lawrence isn't about to break up with me or anything. In fact, I've somehow managed to warm him back up to me after more than a month of absence, and now...

"Let's go back to the base."

"Huh? Er- Lawrence, I told you before-"

"Stop saying _ER!_ And I don't want to eat. Is your roommate around?"

"...probably not..."

"Good."

This is my least favorite part of his visits. Lawrence hates showing affection out in public, but as soon as we're alone and away from prying eyes, he basically pounces on me. I can't really do much but hold on as his lips crash into mine hungrily. We were each other's first kisses, but I'm pretty sure he's pretty good at it. The way he moves his lips against mine always makes me dizzy, at least. He pushes me until we're both flat on my twin bed, one of his hands bunching up the sheets next to my head. The biggest drawback of avoiding him for so long is that he gets... needy. 

However, his affection doesn't last long. As soon as he's done, Lawrence simply pulls the covers over me and gets up. I roll over, feeling a bit sore, and watch as he starts to re-dress himself. "You're leaving?"

"Yeah." Lawrence buttons up his shirt, his fingers fumbling slightly. "I assume I'm not allowed to stay for dinner." He sits back down on the bed to start pulling his shoes and socks on. "I'll come back to visit soon, don't avoid me any more, you hear?"

"...yeah. No guarantees, though." I gulp nervously, pulling the covers over myself more as he looks down at me again. "I'm a magic knight, you know! I have a duty-"

"Your duty should be _our_ future," Lawrence cuts me off, his gaze moving away from me again. "...do you really feel like this is where you belong?"

I open my mouth to respond the answer that I always do: _Yes, of course. I'm meant to be a magic knight!_

But... I can't say that any more, can I?

Because, for whatever reason, someone on my very own squad wanted me gone.

"Hey... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry."

I didn't even notice the tears trailing down my face until Lawrence reaches out to cup my cheek gently. I look up into his grey eyes, which are filled with warmth, for once. But I still get that chill.

"If something's bothering you... you know where to find me, okay? You're going to be my wife one day, hopefully soon. We can put all this Magic Knights business behind you, but you'll always carry that honor. I'll take care of you, I promise."

... "Alright." I nod slowly, reaching up to hold his hand for a second before he pulls it away. "Write me some letters."

"I will. See you soon!"

Lawrence gives me a small smile and a wave, before quietly leaving me alone in my room once again.

I stay there for a while, curling up under my sheets like a cocoon. For just a couple minutes, I feel safe.

_Lawrence really isn't so bad, is he? I mean... at least I know what he wants. My attackers won't show themselves again, not yet, and they won't tell me why they want me gone. Maybe... maybe I should just listen to them, and leave..._

No. That's stupid. I squeeze my eyes shut as memories start to flood back.

 _I can't leave... because then I'll marry Lawrence. I don't want to be near him at all!_ Slowly, I sit up, letting the sheets fall off my body as the more pleasant chill of the base hits my skin. _I'll find out who attacked me, and purge them from this squad! I'm meant to be here, I'm meant to be a magic knight._

Eventually, I get up to get dressed, cleaning myself off before heading to the bathroom. I splash some water on my face before looking up at my reflection. I look tired and a little stressed out... but alive.

"Hello there! Enjoy your day off?"

I'm on my way down to dinner when I run into none other than Julius. I haven't seen him all day, not since yesterday's meeting, but he's heading the same way as me now. "Ah, yeah. I haven't seen my fiance in a while, so it was nice to have lunch with him."

"Your fiance? Oh, right, Prince Lawrence." Julius nods as he falls into step next to me. I glance up at the taller man, not able to read any emotion other than his usual neutrally-happy expression. Even so, his presence puts me at ease, although I doubt anyone would attack me now while everyone is awake in the base. "Is the wedding happening soon?"

"Oh, definitely not. We haven't even started planning it!" I smirk a little. _And if I have my way... it won't ever be planned!_

"I see... I guess, eventually, you're going to outrank us all."

"Huh?" I look up to see him smiling teasingly down at me. 

"You'll be a princess, right?"

"P-Princess?" My eyes widen as I realize that he's right. Then, I shake my head. "Ah! I don't even want to think about that..."

"Why not?"

"Too much pressure?"

"Ah, well, I think it suits you."

I look back up at him, aghast, just in time to catch his wink. "Hey! Jul- I mean, sir, that's a long way in the future-"

"Julius is fine-" He lets out a warm laugh before gesturing for me to keep up with him. "Come on... a princess can't be late for dinner."

_..... AHHHHHH._

I swallow my pride and quickly catch up, pouting a bit to myself. _Princess... I can't even imagine becoming royalty. And I don't want to! I'll never be a princess, not if I have anything to say about it._

Slowly, though, I feel my cheeks heat up, and it takes everything I have to keep from glancing back up at Julius's face.

_Still..._

_It didn't sound so bad when_ he _called me that..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment yay!


	6. | 6 |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mention/use of bad drug :((

Things aren't looking good. Only two days after my "date" with Lawrence, he sends me a letter, which is way sooner than he usually does. _Shit! He must really be determined to marry me, now..._ I fold up the letter after I finish reading it at breakfast and shove it in my cloak out of sight. _This could get tricky... I assumed his interest would slowly dwindle over time, leading to an amicable break up, but instead he seems to have had a sudden spike in interest. He's going to get more pushy... so I might have to end things myself._

The problem is, if I was the one to break it off, the fury of the Royal Family would come down on me and my parents. My father's inheritance and title depend on this marriage, so that fury could potentially ruin us. However, if I were to achieve the rank of Senior Magic Knight before that happened, then we would be safe with my salary. _I'm pretty close now, I just have to keep working hard... it won't be long! Then I can tell Lawrence to leave me alone forever._

"Okay, there's plenty of work to do today! But-" Hervey points at us as we stand awkwardly around him in the mess hall. He has a couple missions for us, mostly just patrols and escorts typical of a highly-ranked squad like ourselves. "Everyone should be done by tonight, so if you want to go to town, all power to you."

A few of us cheer, excited for the fun night ahead. I'm not a big drinker, but it's still fun to go out with my friends and see them all get shit-faced. The townspeople love seeing us there, too, to hear our stories and take our money. Wren is probably going to try and hook up with some girls, and sadly will probably be successful. Those girls love a magic knight, that's for sure.

"...and... that's it for the main missions." Hervey finishes handing them out, leaving me and a few others without an assignment. "As for you junior knights, your performances have NOT been up to par lately. How are we going to beat the Crimson Lion Kings for the top squad if we have weak links like you?" The four junior knights mumble _sorry_ and stare at the ground timidly. "Well, luckily for you, Julius is free today, so he'll be training you himself." Julius, who's standing right behind Hervey, gives us a smile and a wave.

"Really?" Cecilia's eyes light up while Martin and the other teen, Joren, both roll their eyes.

"I don't understand why I have to do this-" Nigel crosses his arms. "I'm 20! I shouldn't be slumming it with these kids-"

"Shut up, Nigel, you're still a Junior Magic Knight for a reason-" Hervey cuts him off.

"Er, but what about me?" I raise my hand awkwardly. "I'm an intermediate knight-"

"You're here to help me! I thought it would be fun." Julius answers before Hervey can, flashing me a smile of my own.

"Oh... okay!" I feel my heart flutter a little. _He chose me? That's nice..._ It hasn't gone over my head, the fact that Julius has been choosing me to accompany him with things recently. I assume it just means that my efforts to befriend him are slowly but surely paying off. Maybe I can take advantage of this; after all, Julius has the ear of our captain, so my ascent to a higher rank could be easier than I thought. But even if not, I'm glad he's hanging around me more. If nothing else, I feel... safe, when he's around. There's been no suspicious activity from any of the others since the night of my attack, and I'm finally starting to relax.

_Maybe everything will be alright, after all._

"Well, you heard the captain! I don't blame you guys, you're all young and new- er, most of you-" Julius shoots a subtle glance at Nigel after we move outside and he launches into his spiel. "But that just means you have plenty of room to grow! I haven't even seen some of your magic... so!" Julius suddenly balls up his hands excitedly and opens his eyes, which are violently sparkling. "Show me your magic!"

It's almost disturbing, seeing our vice captain get all twinkle-eyed about something, but that's how he's always been. I can even remember the first time I ever met him, several years ago, he ran up to me and asked the same thing. He was a little shorter and had longer hair, but still the same Julius. _"Hey! Nice to meet you! Show me your magic!"_ It was pretty startling, to say the least, but he got more tempered over time as he took on more responsibility. But even now, he can't contain his excitement as Martin holds up his hand, shooting sharp shards of wood off into the bushes.

_It's... kind of cute, honestly..._

"Hey! Why don't you make some illusions for them to fight?"

I almost jump in surprise as Julius suddenly appears right next to me to jar me from my thoughts. "Huh? Oh, right-" I'm supposed to be helping him, not admiring him! I quickly open my Grimoire and conjure up four illusions for the junior knights to fight. "Hey! Can you give me one that's a little harder than the others?" Nigel asks, pointing at his.

"Sorry, I have to make them identical, especially since I'm making so many!"

"I'll spar with you, if you want!" Julius suggests.

Nigel goes pale and can't shake his head quick enough. "Never mind."

He raises his hands, letting a large bank of wispy smoke come out and engulf the "enemy" I made for him, which binds it in place. Of course, I could probably just move right through him, seeing as the only place the enemy actually exists is in his mind, but I'm doing my best to simulate a real person right now. "Smoke Magic: Tendril Binding!" Nigel smirks to himself as his spell seems to work.

"I'll break you out!" Cecilia suddenly opens her own Grimoire. "Refraction Magic!"

Cecilia's magic lets her create refraction planes in the air, which can redirect light, magic, and other materials. She uses it now to create a barrier around my illusion, sending Nigel's smoke away, right back at him. "Hey! Ah!" Nigel stumbles back, not expecting the move, and suddenly becomes engulfed in his own magic. Cecilia bursts out laughing at him. "That's why you're still a junior knight, Nigel, you need to expect the unexpected."

"Shut up! You're a junior knight, too!" Nigel desperately coughs and waves his arms to dispel the smoke.

Cecilia bites her lip, the shy girl becoming a bit more confident from her performance. "I'm 15, so I have an excuse. _You_ don't!"

"Come on, guys, be nice!" I can't help but swallow my own chuckle. _Cecilia... This is the most I've heard you talk since you got here!_ The girl used to be Alice's roommate, so I hung around her a lot, but she was always so quiet and reserved. I know her magic is powerful, so all she needs is the spine to back it up. _I was kind of like that, wasn't I? I felt kind of out of place on the squad, it was such a new and scary experience... but I grew into it, not just because I_ have _to. Because of all the people I met..._

These people are my friends, right? And these kids, who's biggest problems are who's doing the dishes tonight and how to not embarrass yourself on the next mission. I have my quarrels with some of them, but in the end there's not an ounce of malice between any of us.

 _... maybe it_ was _a bandit that night. Maybe I panicked and imagined something that didn't exist..._

_But, I don't think any of these people would hurt me._

"That was great! I knew you would make a good teacher." 

It takes me a moment to realize that Julius is talking to me again as we walk back towards the base. The Junior knights shuffle along in front of us, chatting and clowning on Nigel. "Oh, really?" I don't know why, but the comment makes me feel a little embarrassed, probably because it's coming from my vice captain. "Thank you... I'm not as good as you, though!"

"Hmm, I'm not so sure." Julius closes one eye in what I assume is a cheeky wink. "I wasn't really doing much, I let you take over."

"Is that so?" For some reason, my nervousness quickly fades. "Maybe _I_ should be vice captain, then."

"Perhaps."

* * *

"Are you sure you want to go out tonight?"

"Of course!" I brush my hair a few more times in the mirror before turning around to look at the concerned Alice. "You'll be with me the whole time... and anyway..." I let myself smile a little, sinking into the soft feelings of ease that I've had inside me since my revelation earlier today. "What happened a few weeks ago... I doubt it's going to happen again."

Alice smiles along with me, but that worried look doesn't leave her golden eyes. "...It's true, there's been no suspicious activity at all... but didn't you say your attacker was wearing a Grey Deer robe?"

I shrug. "I said that... but now that I think of it, it's so unlikely... I may have mistaken something else for the robe. Like I said..." I give her a bright smile and a thumbs up to put her at ease as well. "These are my squad members... my friends. They would never hurt me, right? It might have just been a bandit or something."

My words seem to do the trick, and Alice smiles as she lets out a happy sigh. "Sheesh, so all that paranoia was for nothing? What a drama queen." She pokes me in the side playfully to make me giggle. "If you say so. We'll have to report it to the captain sometime, though, if a bandit made it in here!"

"Right, right!" I bat away her hand, before both of us get startled by a loud banging on the door. " _HEY!! HURRY UP!"_

"...shut up, Nigel!"

Nigel and Elia are waiting outside, Nigel tapping his foot loudly to show his already-obvious impatience. "Where's Giles?!"

"Right here!" We turn to see the bespectacled boy run up, looking kind of bedraggled. "I can't believe you're dragging me out tonight..."

"Then don't come!" Alice shoots back with a grin. "We'll take Cecilia instead."

"The 15 year old? No way." Elia turns up her nose. "Anyway, she said she wants to stay home and sleep early."

"Ah, fine. Well!" Alice balls up her fist to get us pumped up. "Let's go out on the town!"

"Yeah!!!"

It's already dark by the time we get there, travelling in our little pack. "Hmm, decisions decisions..." Nigel rubs his chin while looking around the street, then glares as I start to walk off on my own. "Hey, where are you going?"

"Here." I point at my favorite inn, the same one I took Lawrence to on our last date. "I'm going to this one, it's fine if you don't come, though."

"Sounds good!" Alice runs past with Giles and Elia right behind. "Grr! Fine!" Nigel runs after us, indignant that he didn't get to make the choice. 

The inn is just as warm and loud as all the other times I've been here, although it becomes considerably more crowded at night. "Why, if it isn't the young Grey Deer... you chose our little bar tonight?"

"It's the best one in town, of course!"

The bartender eyes each of our faces, letting out a sigh of... relief? "Well, I see it's just you five... in that case-"

"Heyyyy there, barkeep!"

The bartender's smile immediately falls from his face, and his brow furrows. "Great... he's here..."

 _He?_ The five of us turn just in time to see none other than Julius marching into the inn, a goofy smile on his face. "Good evening!" His friend Elger shuffles in behind him, looking embarrassed.

"Julius... what do you want?" The bartender eyes him suspiciously as he walks up and leans against the bar comically. I exchange a glance with the others, slapping my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. Elia stares pointedly at the surface of the bar, also looking like she's going to burst out laughing. "You better not be asking to-"

"Please, sir! I promise I won't ask for money! Not even tips! I just want to show off, I've been practicing my mixology skills-" Julius lets the words burst out as he clasps his hands in a mock prayer, literally begging this poor man to let him help.

The bartender just lets out a long groan before pointing towards the door. "no! You're too slow, Julius, try another bar!"

Julius pouts adorably and opens his mouth to object, but Elger cuts him off and tugs at his sleeve. "Come on, we can try one of the others..."

"Fine." Julius shoots one more indignant look at the bartender before turning to leave. However, he stops and does a double take when his gaze skims over us, his eyes widening a little with recognition. His mouth immediately splits into a wide smile, and I almost look away from how bright it is. _Ahh! He noticed us-_ "Hey guys! Fancy seeing the _youths_ here~"

"You're not that much older than us..." Nigel mutters quietly so he can't hear him, but both Alice and Elia giggle at his behavior.

"We're gonna go find another inn... maybe I can make you a drink?" Julius's eyes meet mine, the corners crinkling slightly from his smile. I feel my heart skip a beat. 

"Er... I think we're going to stay here." I return his smile, giving him a thumbs up. "This is my favorite spot... Maybe some other time, Julius!"

Julius lets out a sigh, letting his shoulders slump momentarily before bringing him back to his full height. "Alright, have it your way! See you guys later!" With one last wave (and an awkward one from Elger), the two older men disappear out the door and back into the chilly night.

I shake my head a little at his behavior, but my smile remains traced into my lips. _Mixology? I didn't know that was a hobby of his... that's kind of cu-_

"So, what was that about?"

I get snapped from my thoughts as both Alice and Elia descend on me from both sides. "Huh? What do you mean?"

Elia eyes me with narrowed lashes. "He asked you to come try his drink, didn't he?"

"Oh, he was asking everyone, though, not just me-"

"Nonsense! When he said _you_ he didn't mean _you guys..._ he meant _you,_ you know?" I blink, confused at what Alice is trying to imply. My friend smirks and slings her arm around my shoulders, making me shrink slightly into my barstool. "You've been hanging around with him a lot lately, haven't you?"

"Alice!" I scold, squirming a bit in her grasp. "You know what that is, don't you?"

"I want to know what _exactly_ is going on," Elia juts in, crossing her eyes and glaring. Uh oh. She's going through her "crush on Julius" phase right now, a phase that all squad members must go through at some point, and I'm sure I've accidentally made her jealous. "Like, aren't you engaged? It's not fair to him if you lead him on, you know!"

" _Lead him on?_ No-" I shake my head. "You guys have it all wrong... it's not like that!" I laugh nervously in an attempt to dissolve the tension. "It's just... I've known Julius for years now, but we weren't close. I just thought it would be nice to make friends with him, that's all." I exchange a glance with Alice, who nods slowly. Of course, the real reason is that Julius was one of the only people I could truly trust, and being friends with him put me at ease. Not that it matters anymore. "I guess he thought the same thing... so now we're friends?"

"Hmph. _Friends."_ Elia looks away. "First friends, then lovers, then you'll get married- EEEEk!" She covers her flushed face.

"Elia, calm down, I'm engaged to the _Prince,_ remember?" I pat her on the shoulder lightly, and miraculously, my words seem to make her calm down. "Don't worry about it..."

_Jeez... this is going to look bad when I break things off with Lawrence..._

"I don't get what's so great about him anyway," Nigel suddenly jumps into our conversation uninvited. "I mean, he's cool and powerful... and handsome... BUT!" He starts to go red in the face. " _I'm_ right here! And I'm a catch~"

Elia snorts out a laugh, and I giggle a little at his behavior. Sometimes he seems like he might have a crush on Elia, but that would be way too volatile of a couple for the squad to handle, as evidenced by her next words:

"Nigel... I'd rather catch the Flu than catch you."

"EH???"

"You guys talk to loud, here, start drinking and shut up!" The bartender suddenly appears next to us and unloads the drinks we ordered in front of us. "Oooh! Thank you, sir!"

"No problem. First round is on the house."

"Well, cheers guys," Giles smiles pensively and holds up his glass. "I don't really know what to celebrate..."

"We don't have to celebrate anything! Unless you want to go out with me, Elia-"

"No, Nigel."

"Fine!"

"Cheers!" Alice makes us all shut up as we clink our glasses together. I bring mine to my lips and gulp down the drink. Giles immediately splutters and slams his glass down. "Yuck!"

I wince and swallow thickly. "Yeah, is it supposed to be _this_ bitter?"

"It's not bitter! It's _spicy."_ Giles coughs, causing Nigel to laugh meanly at him. "Grow up Giles, we know you're a lightweight, but _spicy?!"_

"Nigel, you're one to talk," Elia teases. "This stuff is cinnamon whiskey, so it might taste a bit spicy."

"Hmmm..." I take another sip, forcing it down. It tastes a bit spicy, yeah, but more bitter than anything. In fact, it's almost salty.

"Well, whoever can finish theirs first gets their drink payed for!" Nigel announces with a grin. "Come on!"

I can't turn down that kind of competition. "Bring it!" Without any more hesitation, me and the others gulp down our drinks. With an excited yell, I slam my empty glass down on the table first, just before Alice does. "Yes!!! Eat that-" I suddenly feel my stomach turn, and I almost gag.

"Yikes, you okay?" Alice rubs my back as I choke down the drink. "You won, don't worry."

"Thanks, but I'm fine." I shake my head. "It just... tasted really bad."

Alice frowns, a little concerned. "Be careful, I don't want you throwing up on me or anything. Here, have some water."

"Who's the lightweight now?" Nigel snickers, earning him two smacks from Giles and Elia.

I sip at my water for a while, staring at the glazed wood of the bar as the others continue to drink and chat. For some reason, the warmth from the previous moments is completely gone, and I start to feel oddly... detached from it all. 

_...why am I even here?_

I feel coolness on my lips as I sip my water.

_...wait... what's going on...?_

I can't be out like this... not in the open.

_"I need some help."_

_"What is it, Wren?"_

Someone is talking, but the words blend into the ambient sound of the inn.

_"It's Margery... she's puking all over the place outside."_

_"Ugh, fine. Come on, everyone."_

Someone... someone's trying to kill me, right?

But, not one of my friends... they can't be-

I look up, and my friends are gone. 

... _huh?_

Everything seems fuzzy, and I almost fall out of the chair as the vertigo affect hits me, just from raising my head. I draw in a shaky gasp, barely audible, and stare at the empty seat where Alice was just sitting. At least, I _think_ she was just sitting there... how many hours have gone by since I last saw her? Time is expanding and constricting at a rapid rate, almost like an accordion.

_...what the hell... am I-_

I look back down at my hands, which are clutching my glass tightly. I can't even make them out, they don't look like two solid objects. They warp and spin, just like the rest of the world.

 _H-how did I manage to get drunk?! Where is everyone?_ I frantically start to look around the bar, but all I see are the faces of strangers, looking at me as if I've gone crazy. And maybe I have... because a moment later, they morph into the faces of my friends.

_...no... I'm not drunk..._

_The one drink I had... it was bitter... salty... it was drugged!_

It's something I've always heard of happening to girls, but now that it's happening to me, it seems more real. My heart is running a race in my chest as I suddenly stand up, causing the world to turn upside down again. Someone is yelling at me (I think I tipped over the barstool), but I don't stop, I can't. I feel someone grab my arm, and my panic spikes. _NO! If they grab me like this-_ I instinctively lash out and push them away, and luckily they yield. _I can move... I can still move... I need to find the others!_

_NO..._

_Not the others..._

_One of them drugged me, didn't they?_

For what purpose, I can only imagine, but now I'm imagining the worst case scenario. _I need to run, and hide, until this wears off!_

With that thought, I turn and run away, stumbling but staying upright. The warm light of the inn disappears, giving way to a chilly, cold night. It's not snowing, but the harsh wind nearly bowls me over. I open my mouth to yell _Alice,_ but the words get caught in my throat. I keep walking, the lights in the corner of my vision starting to dull. _I don't have long... I'm going to pass out..._

There's not a friendly face in sight.

_I... I need to.._

The wind subsides, and I realize that I've stumbled into an alley. With one last little whimper, I collapse to the ground, curling up into the fetal position as everything starts to fade away. If this isn't enough... then I'm dead. Or worse.

_Please... let the right person find me..._

My eyelids droop, and my body goes numb.

_Alice... or..._

I don't get to finish my thought as my brain basically turns to mush.

I don't know how long I lie there, but eventually, the cold starts to disappear. Feeling starts to seep back into my skin, and something warm envelopes me.

_Maybe... this is death? It doesn't feel so bad..._

I curl up into it, and a comforting sleep overtakes my soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so I have a vague idea of where I want to go with this but there's a lot of empty space in my mind. If you have any suggestions for scenes/moments/or just vibes, let me know in the comments!
> 
> Also I want to know if I'm doing well with this? I honestly don't know...


	7. | 7 |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh... a hint of romance? Perhaps...

" _Hey... you okay?"_

Someone's voice softly pervades my mind, finally stirring it enough for consciousness to take hold. The first thing I do is wince, scrunching up my face. _Ow ow ow! Fuck..._ My stomach feels like it's full of fire ants, crawling their way up my esophagus and into my throat. I splutter out a weak cough, someone pressing something cold onto my forehead. I can feel liquid dripping; whether it's from a wet cloth or my own sweat, I don't know. It feels good, though, on my burning skin.

"Hey, can you speak? I'm so scared..."

I open my mouth in an attempt to speak, but end up coughing instead. _Ouch!_ It rips through my throat like barbed wire, but I manage to crack open my eyes. I see a familiar (albeit fuzzy) face peering down at me, her eyes full of worry and fear. "...Alice?"

She manages to smile, smoothing down my hair as she crouches next to my bed. "Thank god... I was worried you weren't going to wake up!"

I nod slowly, a little confused as to what's going on. _Last night... we went out... and..._ That's where my memory runs out. "What happen- OUCH!" I cry out a small exclamation of pain as I sit up, my head throbbing. "Ow, ow, ow... Am I hungover?!"

Alice nods slowly, rubbing my shoulder. "Probably... geez, you really don't hold your liquor well, do you? I leave for one second and you wander off and collapse drunkenly in an alley!"

"You left?" I blink slowly, putting the puzzle pieces together with much difficulty. "I-I didn't go with you?"

"No, I asked if you wanted to, but you said no," Alice explains. "I don't blame you, Margery puke is something I don't want to see, either."

_Right... Wren came in... he told us Margery was sick... and then..._

_Did I drink anything after that? I suppose I wouldn't remember..._

"Come on, you need a shower. You probably have alcohol poisoning or something." With some difficulty, Alice pries me out of bed, wraps me up in a blanket when I start shivering, and leads me out into the hallway. "Everyone else is out and about, I managed to get the Captain to give you the day off.

"Oh..." I say softly, for some reason feeling very upset by this news. My eyes even start to water a little. "That's... good, I guess."

Something doesn't add up. I was in an alley? Drunk? Wouldn't I have just stayed at the bar if I passed out? Unless someone dragged me out-

"Oh, good morning, you two! I'm glad to see you awake~"

_...huh? That voice..._

I look up and have to squint, but finally the face of the taller man grows into focus. _OH... FUCK!_

"J-J-Julius?!" I stutter out, a lot louder than I mean to. I feel my face heating up for some reason. _Ah! Get a grip! Why am I reacting this way... he literally just said good morning!_ "I mean... uh, good morning to you, too?" I wish I could shrink down and disappear into the blanket that's wrapped around me.

Despite the fact that I'm definitely blushing an embarrassingly dark shade of pink right now, Julius just smiles and lets out a relieved sigh, but the corners of his eyes crinkle with worry. "Ah, you're probably exhausted, I'll leave you to nurse that... hangover." He pats me on the shoulder, his hand lingering for a few moments longer than normal before letting go to brush past me. I stand there, still kind of stunned, before my senses hit me again. "Oh-" I turn around to see him glancing back at me. "Let me know if you need anything. You know where to find me!"

He finally disappears around the corner, and I let out a heaving sigh. _Jesus, I must be really out of it..._ I hear a giggle and look over to see Alice smirking at me. "What was _that?"_

I suck in a breath through my nose and look away. "I-I don't know what you're talking about!"

"You're red as a beet! And you basically moaned his name!"

" _What?!_ And I'm sick, of course I'm red! There was no moaning whatsoever!!"

"Hmm, whatever you say~"

"Alice!"

Eventually she stops teasing me, and I start to feel better after taking a shower. However, my stomach still feels all wonky and I end up throwing up into a toilet for about seven minutes straight. "I was wondering when this was going to happen," Alice says sadly as she hands me a glass of water after the "tide" has retreated. "You didn't throw up at all last night, and Julius said you hadn't when you were in the alley. I guess it has to happen sometime."

I nearly choke on my water. "H-Huh?! Julius... _he_ was the one who found me?!"

"Yeah, actually. I guess you were lucky, he always knows what to do-" Alice freezes up as I suddenly clap my hands over my face and shamelessly burst into tears. "What? Hey, hey, it's not a big deal!"

I shake my head a little as I feel her arms wrap around me.

"Everyone has this happen... it's not something to be embarrassed about! Julius doesn't care, he's seen it all, I'm sure!"

Her embrace doesn't melt the growing icicle of fear away.

_I'm not embarrassed... I'm happy._

_Because... I can't put my finger on it, but I think something bad happened last night, I was in danger. But Julius..._

I don't know why I can't shake that uneasy feeling throughout the day. A nagging suspicion in the back of my mind keeps kicking me, trying to force me to face the very real chance that I wasn't drunk.

_If I wasn't drunk, then what was I?_

At about five in the evening, Alice gets dressed to leave our room. "I have a patrol, it's going to go until tomorrow morning," she groans, even though this kind of mission is usual for her. "Are you going to be okay? I know you said that you don't think you have to worry about anyone here anymore-"

"I'll be fine!" I give her a smile from my bed, still sipping water. "See you later!"

Alice bids me farewell before leaving me alone once again. I sigh and flop back on my bed, closing my eyes and scraping the corners of my mind to find an explanation for these badly-fitting puzzle pieces. The dread won't go away, so it must mean _something,_ right?

_My friends... they wouldn't hurt me..._

_But the last thing I remember drinking, the Cinnamon Whiskey, it was bitter, not sweet or spicy._

I open my eyes again to stare at the ceiling blankly.

_Did I really drink after that? I don't remember at all..._

Suddenly, I get an idea. Without hesitation, I get up and pull on some clothes before running off towards Captain Hervey's office. Luckily, he's inside, working on some papers. "Oh, it's you," he greets sternly, getting up out of his chair as I close the door behind me. "I was wondering when you were going to show up... how are you feeling?"

"Er, good, sir," I reply, feeling my face heat up. "I'm really sorry about being a nuisance... I didn't mean to get so drunk or anything, to be honest, I don't really remember drinking very much, but it happens, I suppose."

Hervey eyes me curiously before letting out a hearty laugh. "It happens! You've got to work up your tolerance somehow, I suppose!" He suddenly grabs my head and shakes me around playfully, a little more rough than my stomach can bear right now. "Just don't embarrass the squad, that's all I ask!"

"Ah! Y-Yes sir!" He finally releases me and I straighten up. "I was wondering... do you still have last night's bar tab somewhere? I'd like to see it."

"Huh? Why?" I shrug, earning a sigh from the captain as he turns to rummage through the trash. "You're lucky... I just paid the tab, and was about to take out the trash." Hervey always pays for our nights out, which is why he has our tab. "Here, now scram!"

I catch the crumpled up paper he tosses me, squeak out a _thank you_ then run back to my room. _This should tell me something..._

Once in my room, I uncrumple the tab and start skimming through it. _There, that's the inn... and there's the drinks we got..._

My blood runs cold.

According to the tab, we were served just five cinnamon whiskeys.

Just... _five._

_Wait... if we just had five... then what the Hell did I drink later?!_

I loosen my grip, and the paper wafts down to the floor at my feet.

_I... I can't have been... drugged?_

The cinnamon whiskey was bitter.

_No... I-_

But, who would have done it? Some random guy at the bar? I didn't notice anyone else come close to us... then, the bartender? No, that would be too easy to trace! Then...

_It was one of them... Giles, Elia, Nigel, Alice..._

Maybe not Alice, but right now the dark cloud of paranoia won't let me let go of that option.

So... it wasn't just one of my squadmates. It was one of my very own _friends..._

The hope I started to feel is gone, leaving nothing but an empty, taunting shell. Because, it's not over. Once again, someone is trying to intimidate me, to harm me, to make me fear the people around me. They've succeeded.

Thank goodness Julius found me... who knows what would have happened, then? It explains the severity of my illness this morning. This isn't a hangover, it's the product of some potent, poisonous drug. My hands tremble where they rest on my bare knees, and suddenly my nightgown is not nearly enough to shield me from the chill of this room. 

_I'm... still in danger... but why?!_ I ball up my fists, feeling hot tears on my cheeks again. At this point, I'm feeling more frustrated than afraid. _Why would someone target me like this? What did I do?! How do I make it stop..._

Suddenly, I've been sitting there in silence for a long time, longer than I meant to. I look up sharply at my door, faint light from the hallway spilling under the crack.

_I... I'm alone... Alice... she's going to be gone all night..._

The frustration decidedly turns into fear. Visceral fear. I could die tonight. Someone could kill me in my sleep.

_So... I won't sleep!_

I move mechanically, slipping off my bed and turning on a light. My fingers are shaking, fumbling at the lamp.

_I...I'll be fine! I can do this alone... and in the morning, I'll tell Alice, and we'll tell the captain-_

No. I won't be fine.

_I...I can fight them off... I have magic!_

My hands clutch my Grimoire as I sit cross-legged on the floor, staring with wide eyes at the door. There's no strength in my gaze.

_They haven't even gotten here... but they've already defeated me..._

My blood freezes in my veins as I hear a footstep.

Then another.

_I-it's coming closer..._

I can it so clearly. They're getting closer.

_Okay... get ready..._

I hold up my hand.

_You can do it... if you cast Fear Landscape now..._

The footsteps slow as they near my door. I squeeze my eyes shut.

_Do it... please..._

My body refuses to move. My magic refuses to move. I'm completely petrified with fear.

_I... don't want to die... please..._

The footsteps speed up, and disappear down the hall.

I stay sitting there for a moment, before my eyes snap back open, blinking away tears.

_I'm pathetic... I'm right, they've already defeated me..._

My Grimoire _thunks_ to the ground as I drop it, and I stare at the pair of useless hands I've been cursed with.

_There's an escape... maybe I should just leave now... I'll be to the castle by morning. Lawrence will protect me, right?_

No. A life with Lawrence would be worse than anything I have to face tonight. No matter how nice or comforting he tries to be, he can't erase the past. He'll never bring me the same warmth from his smile as...

...

_That's right... there's someone still here that I can trust!_

The realization fills my limbs with purpose, and before I know it, I throw open my door and sprint away as quietly as I can. I turn a few corners, climb one set of stairs, and there it is, that room, _his_ room!

I skid to a stop before I slam into the door and knock on the wood urgently, glancing behind me. _Please be here! Please-_ I feel like a rabbit, being chased down by a ravenous pack of wolves, ready to tear me apart the moment I falter. _Please... please!-_

Mid-knock, the door opens, and Julius pokes his head out. "Oh! Good- evening-"

He doesn't get to finish as I push my way inside, bursting right past him, and slam the door shut with a _loud_ bang. I gasp in a breath, adrenaline still filling my veins as I lean against the closed door. _I did it! I escaped... I should be safe now... now that I'm..._

I suddenly go pale.

_...oops. I just broke into Julius's room, didn't I?_

I turn around slowly to look back up at Julius, who is speechless, his mouth open wordlessly. Finally, he blinks a few times. "Er... to what do I owe the pleasure of this late-night-visit?" He closes his eyes as he smiles, still emanating that comforting aura that I was seeking out.

_He looks... so warm... so... safe..._

_Safe._

It's something I desperately want to feel right now, but even here in this room, locked away from the danger outside, I can't relax. 

"...what's wrong?"

I get snapped from my thoughts as Julius gently touches my shoulder. I slowly look up at him, at his concerned face. _He knows something is wrong..._

"Hey, whatever it is, you can tell me, alright? Even if it's something, er- girly, although I'm sure Malota is better suited for that kind of- Ah! Why are you crying? Did I say something?"

I shake my head, and without another moment of thought I let the tears fall, and fling myself into his warm, safe chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OooooOooooOo ;.; Nice! Lmk what you think 0.0


	8. | 8 |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... eek. I love Julius. 0.o

Julius freezes on the spot, but it's mostly just from surprise. I mean, he has a right to be surprised... until a couple weeks ago, I barely talked to him, and now here I am, crying into his arms. He doesn't know that he's the only anchor I have right now, the only thing that could possibly protect me and keep me safe. Alice wasn't enough... at the bar, I still got hurt. But Julius... he was the one who found me. There's no way he knows any of that, but even so he relaxes a moment later, one hand still squeezing my shoulder while the other pats my head gently, not presuming to touch to much, but just enough that I know he's there.

Maybe I should feel embarrassed to cry in front of him, but I don't.

"It's alright... it's better to let it out than to keep it all bottled up inside, you know."

"...I know..." I sniffle a little as i finally straighten up again, letting myself stay close to him. _Close... ah!!! We're so close right now!!_ I feel my ears heat up, but that's not what I want to think about right now. "I...um..." I'm not exactly sure where to begin. "I have something I need to tell you... It might be a lot, though..."

"That's fine." Julius gulps, obviously a little worried about what I'm about to tell him. "Er, let's sit down?"

The awkwardness still hangs in the air, but it starts to thin. I quickly nod and let go of him, not really realizing how tight my hands on his shirt were until I released him. _Calm down... everything is fine, at least for now._ I let myself take one deep, soothing breath before sinking down onto his couch. Julius's room is just a little bigger than mine, but since he is a leader, he gets it all to himself. There's really only a fireplace, couch, desk, a couple of dressers, and his bed, which is queen sized rather than a twin like everyone else's. I'm sure the Captain has a king sized bed, but I've never been in there. It's warm, and welcoming... cozy, actually. Exactly what I need.

But now, I have a new challenge: How on earth do I explain this whole crazy situation to Julius without sounding so paranoid? I can barely even bring myself to look at him as he sits down next to me, only sparing a brief glance. _But I have to... right now, he's the only one who I can trust. Not even Alice..._

"So... I guess I'll start at the beginning."

I look away from his concerned eyes, taking one more deep breath before closing my eyes. A simple gesture, but one that melts away my anticipation, if just for a moment.

_Above all else... be clear. Don't sound emotional._

"On New Years night, a couple hours after I left you outside, I woke up in the mess hall alone. I cleaned up and took some extra wine bottles into the cellar. However, on my way down, someone ambushed me and pushed me down the stairs. A second person closed the door, leaving me blind and defenseless. The first person, a man, hit and choked me until I was unconscious, while the other stood there and watched. Before I passed out, I felt their clothes, and I'm almost certain they were wearing a Grey Deer cloak. That was all they did, and I woke up alone."

It all comes out slowly but surely, my voice calm and level. I willed myself to keep my emotions at bay, and I've succeeded. But there's a little more.

"Then, last night, weeks later, when I thought the danger might be gone... someone drugged my drink. I checked the bar tab, I only drank one drink, not enough to get me drunk. When I realized what was happening, I ran and hid before anyone could hurt me. Luckily, you were the one who found me. But-" I sit up a bit. Somehow, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest. Confessing all this is... refreshing. It makes more sense once I say it all out loud.

"But, it confirmed what I feared was true. Someone, at least two people on this squad, tried to attack me twice, in different ways. I have no idea why, or what they want... but I couldn't stay in my room alone tonight, which is why I'm here."

....

I finally look up to gauge Julius's reaction. His eyes have widened considerably over the course of my story, and I can see that he's still processing it all. "I'm sorry... you probably didn't expect this kind of story when you let me in..." I almost let out a little chuckle at the absurdity of it all, but a small bubble of sadness wells in my chest. "But... you're the only person I can trust, right now."

"...you were attacked... twice... by a squad member..."

His voice stays soft, but I pick up on a tiny spark of emotion in his words.

_...anger? At me-?_

"That's terrible... unforgivable..."

Okay, so not at _me_. Julius leans forward on his knees, his fingers threading together. It's almost scary, the way his eyes have shifted now. He's no longer processing my story; he's calculating. Desperately trying to come up with an answer for the question _who could have done this?_ Suddenly, his eyes lighten a little and he straightens up to look at me again, softness returning to his gaze. "And... because I found you last night, I'm the one you can trust to tell this two?"

I nod, but there's more. "Not just that... on New Years, Alice came home late and said she saw you outside still. If you didn't come in at all that night, you couldn't have been one of the people attacking me."

"Right, I see... that's smart. You can't trust Alice?"

"I thought I could... but she was with me last night, and I still got drugged. She might have been involved."

_Alice..._

My oldest friend... the one who's helped me through my darkest times. If she's involved in this somehow, then I've lost everything I had-

"Hey."

My despair is halted by a gentle hand on my shoulder, and I feel Julius smiling down at me once again.

"Thank you for telling me... I can't believe you've been shouldering this yourself. No one's that strong. To be betrayed by your own comrades..." He shakes his head a little, and I see the anger flash in his vision again, making my heart skip a fearful beat. _Not just anger though... familiarity? Has this happened before?_

"I won't let anyone hurt you here, don't worry. I assume this is why you've been staying close to me all the time, right?"

"O-Oh, yeah-" I actually manage to laugh this time, although it's a little nervous. "I, um... I'm sorry, I didn't want to annoy you or anything, but I didn't really have much of a choice."

"It's fine." Julius chuckles as well, patting my shoulder before letting go. "I was a little dumb, though... I thought it was because- well-"

The waver in his voice takes me by surprise, but not as much as the blush that suddenly blossoms on his cheeks.

"I thought... you might have gotten a crush on me or something, ahah-"

_A... crush?_

"Oh! Uh- I- er-" I feel bad that he looks so awkward right now, which is not a look I'm used to seeing on my distinguished Vice-Captain's face. "I can definitely see how you would think that, I was being a little clingy, wasn't I?" I laugh a little, hoping to put him at ease. "Sorry about that-"

"Sorry? Oh, no, don't be. I..." Julius's voice trails off without warning, but he starts talking about it before I have time to consider what the momentary lapse could mean. "I didn't think you were clingy. After all, I poked holes in my own theory soon enough. I realized that something was wrong, even if it was just in my gut..." He points at his own neck. "Those bruises you had on your neck that morning, you couldn't have gotten them from just falling down the stairs, could you?"

"No... you noticed that?"

"Of course. It's my job to take care of my squadmates, isn't it?"

"...right."

His hand suddenly lands on my shoulder again, squeezing once comfortingly. His fingers don't relax completely.

"I promise... I'll help you figure out who did this, and they'll be severely punished. I won't leave you alone again."

_I don't understand..._

"Thank you, Julius."

_... how one man can be so..._ _warm?_

"Now, I guess you'll have to stay in here tonight, isn't Alice on an overnight mission?"

It takes a moment for his question to sink in. _Oh!_ _I completely forgot about that part... but I have to stay in here? In his room?! Sleeping?!_ It takes everything I have to keep from turning red again. "...yeah, if that's okay. I-I can sleep on the couch, if you have a pillow and blanket to spare-"

Julius cuts me off with a laugh. "No, no, what kind of host would I be if I made you sleep on the couch? You can take the bed, you've had a long night. I'll sleep here."

"Alright... thank you."

On the inside, I'm screaming. A.) I have to sleep in JULIUS'S bed (alone, but still-), B.) that means I'm forcing HIM to sleep on a couch (which I feel pretty bad about), and C.)...

_Eek! I have to sleep in his bed..._

Julius hums to himself cheerfully as he starts gathering a blanket and pillows for his makeshift bed. I just stand there awkwardly, not really sure what to do. My eyes follow him as he finally sits back on the couch, wrapped up in his blanket. His eyes catch mine. "Oh, I guess you don't have to go to bed now... uh-" He smiles and holds up his book. "Want to read with me? It's a history of mana development over the ages, it's quite fascinating!"

 _Hmm, I don't know about that..._ Despite the seemingly boring content, I nod my head and sit back down next to him, my posture a little stiff as he opens the book so we can both see it. I don't want to lean too close to him, because what if our knees brush? Or our shoulders press together? I think I would die... I've created a weird enough situation as it is, and Julius already thought I had a crush on him before. How embarrassing! It's too early for anything with him, anyway...

I had a crush on him when I first joined the squad, like most of the girls here. How could I not? Luckily, it faded quickly, overshadowed by my pressing engagement. Of course, feeling never truly go away, do they? Elia is proof of that, her early crush still clinging to her heart to this day. Even for me... I can't help but dream. _Maybe one day... once all this is over... I can make a move. If I were to date anyone other than Lawrence, it would be Julius, after all..._

_But I can't think about it right now!! Not with everything happening to me right now. I need to focus on my two current crises before creating a new one for myself._

To my surprise, Julius's book is actually pretty interesting, but despite that, I start to get real drowsy. _I can last a few more pages, right?_ Julius glances down at me, and I nod, prompting him to go ahead and turn the page. _This is nice... I don't really want to stand up._

So, I don't. Inevitably, my eyelids close and my head falls straight onto his shoulder. I don't even have time to be mortified; I'm too tired, and his shoulder is just too comfortable. 

_...oh well. I can deal with the consequences later._

Julius doesn't seem to mind. He even relaxes a little as I doze off. He doesn't make a move to touch me or anything, but he slowly closes his book. My eyes are closed and my mind is far away, so I don't see his expression change. His smile falls, and a dark look comes into his eyes as he stares down at my peaceful face.

 _Something terrible is going on... in_ my _squad. She isn't a peasant like Zara was, but someone's put a target on her back, anyway._

The movement is quick, and almost absent-minded. But his hand comes up, resting in my hair for just a moment.

_I won't let it happen again... I promise._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hnggggg I love Julius...


	9. | 9 |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just started a new fic bc I like pain so updates will be a little spaced out for this one. I'll still be working on it though!
> 
> Warning: mentions of drugs/assault

I don't remember sleeping this well for _weeks._ The sheets of the bed seem to cradle me gently, and metaphorically rock me to sleep. It's comforting and warm... two feelings that my own bed doesn't afford any more. For the first time, I know that I'm safe as I sleep. No one's going to be strangling me in my sleep, or breaking in to-

_BANG BANG BANG_

My body sits straight up as if released from a spring, tearing me from my peaceful slumber. "H-Huh?" I would usually scream, but my mind is still fairly leaded from being in delta-wave sleep just moments away. _Wait? Where am I?_ This bed is far too large to be mine, and the sheets are nicer. This isn't my room, either, why am I here?

_Oh... right._

The realization that this is in fact Julius's room and the events of last night weren't a dream hits me softly, and I can't help but smile a little. _Right... I'm safe here, for now at least. But-_ I wince as the banging continues, now seeming to come from the door. _What on earth is that-_

Before I have a chance to think about it any further, the banging ceases as the door opens with a soft creak. I look over to see that Julius, who looks as tired as I am, got up to investigate, leaving his couch-nest in a hurry. "Alice? What brings you here at 3 am-"

"THANK GOD!"

As soon as she peers in and sees me sitting in bed, Alice completely disregards Julius's presence and pushes past him and into the room. "Alice? Why-" She basically tackles me and sends us both falling back onto the bed in a tangle. "Alice!" I cry out, wincing a bit as a headache starts to build from the shock of the past few seconds.

"I was so worried!" Alice grabs my shoulders as she sits back up, her eyes basically shaking in their sockets. "I came back, and- and you weren't in our room..." She shakes her head. "I thought someone came and kidnapped you, but you were just in here..." Her momentary worry suddenly melts away, and she smirks. "I came here because I thought Julius could help me look for you... I didn't expect you to come here _first."_

I blink, my weary mind still working hard to catch up to what she's saying. "O-Oh... well, actually-"

"Yes! Luckily, she came here first!" Julius suddenly cuts in after standing awkwardly next to the door while Alice cried all over me. I'm still adding everything up as he continues speaking. "She told me about everything before... and I just-"

"Oh, I see." Alice holds up a hand to stop him, one arm still slung over my shoulder. "Well, you can come back to our room now that I'm home. Unless you'd rather stay here to continue being _comforted~"_

Julius goes pale when he finally realizes what she's implying. "Oh- uh- ah, well, you see-"

"Actually, yeah, that's fine, you can go." I give Alice a wink, not really thinking about it. "Sorry to worry you. Just don't tell anyone, you know?"

Alice bites her lip to keep from giggling, before patting me on the back and standing up. "Well, I'll leave you to it." She spares Julius just one short glance before turning to leave, shutting the door behind her.

After a long, LONG moment of silence, Julius finally swallows and turns to look at me, a perplexed look on his face. His earlier flustered state seemed to be the result of being woken up so suddenly, but he still looks a little embarrassed after what I implied to Alice. "So... ah..." He somehow manages to smile, running a hand over his mussed hair in a vague effort to smooth it down. "Is there a reason you just told her-"

"I said it before, didn't I? Alice doesn't have an alibi anymore." I avert my eyes and flop back down into bed, straining to keep from making a fool of myself. In reality, I'm just as embarrassed as he is, but I have to keep a cool head. "It's better if she doesn't know that I freaked out. So... you're the excuse. I came here because, well..." I don't really have to say the rest of that sentence.

Julius doesn't speak again for a few seconds, before I hear him let out a long sigh. _Was that exasperated? Relieved? Disappointed?_ I resist the urge to glance over my shoulders at him to get a read on what he's really thinking. The ambiguity is surprisingly upsetting to me. "I see... Alright. You told her to keep quiet, anyway, so this won't become a problem."

"Yeah, if she can keep her mouth shut." I shake my head a little at the thought, hoping to god that I haven't made things worse. The only reason Alice didn't question this is because she already knows about my plot to get away from Lawrence, otherwise she would have been a _lot_ more doubtful of the lie that I was, er, _canoodling_ with Julius. But if she opens her mouth and gloats to someone- say, Elia- about this, it could lead to a lot of trouble. And I'm in enough of that already.

I hear him move again, flicking off the lights, then the sound of him nestling back into his makeshift bed. His breathing slows, but I know he's still awake.

"...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so quick to throw you into this-"

"No, it's fine." Julius clears his throat, his response so quick that I wonder if he was actually anticipating my response. "I'm happy to help... in any way I can."

_In any way I can._

For some terrible reason, that phrase excites me. I quickly squeeze my eyes shut and ignore the momentary spike of thrill... no matter

"Thanks, Julius. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

* * *

"So... you're looking pretty _tired_ there, friend."

I nearly choke on the croissant I'm chewing on as Alice slyly comments on my appearance. "Ah- Alice! Shut up, shut up-"

"What, hard night?" Nigel pipes up, of course deciding to pursue the throwaway comment right now. "I thought you went to bed early."

"Yeah, did something happen?" Elia leans forward to peer over at me from around Giles on my other side.

Alice giggles and hides her smirk behind her cup as she sips on apple juice. "Oh, she stayed up _late-"_

I kick Alice in the shins hard under the table, causing her to squeak and spill juice down the front of her shirt. "Ah! What was that for-"

"I told you to shut up," I whisper-shout at her, trying to stay calm as my heart rate skyrockets. _Shit! I knew this might be a problem, but she only keeps important secrets, and stuff like this she'll be ready to spill at any time._ Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to put me and Julius into a fake relationship, even if Alice is the only one who knows about it. God, this situation just keeps getting worse, and it's all my fault.

"Huh. You're acting mighty suspicious." Nigel wiggles his eyebrows like the asshole he is. "You sneak out to see your fiance or something?"

"N-No, nothing like that!" I quickly answer. "I just... I had a night terror and Alice won't stop teasing me about it."

"Aw, that's not very nice." Elia quickly loses interest in the decidedly un-juicy explanation and immediately goes back to eating.

"I know, you're not supposed to tease people about having nightmares." I shoot a warning glance over at Alice, and she finally sobers up. _I just need to keep her reined in. Hopefully soon Julius and I will get to the bottom of this and I can tell her the truth. But until then..._

"Hey, you wanted to see the Captain, right? He's in his office now."

I look up to see that Julius just walked up behind me, looking down at me with a smile that betrays absolutely nothing about what he's thinking. Well, to everyone else, that is. I can pick up on the hint of anticipation in his eyes, hanging just in the corners. We did agree this morning to go tell the Captain everything, but I'm still feeling very worried. After all... what proof do I have? And is Hervey even a safe person to tell? Julius assured me that his presence would make everything okay, and I'm willing to trust his judgement for now.

"Right. Let's go."

I ignore the looks on my friends's faces as I stand up and follow Julius out of the room, making our way to the stairwell. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"I think so! He'll be a big help if he agrees to it. We don't have many leads, other than one of your friends at the bar being involved," Julius answers, glancing down at me by his side. "I can do the talking if you want?"

"I can do it," I insist, clenching my fists at my sides to steel myself. "I know the most details... you're just here to back me up."

"Ah, right, yes ma'am." I shoot a little glare up at his jest, but I can't help but smile a little. _Julius, you're just too good. I'll make sure to thank you properly later._

"Although, I was thinking about something-" Julius suddenly continues, slowing to a stop. "Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to cut Alice out. I know she could be a suspect... but last night, it really seemed like she was truly worried."

I suck in a breath, considering his words. It hurts to think about the possibility of being betrayed by Alice, yeah, especially after so many years of being her best friend. But, I can't shake the feeling that she might be involved. "I... I don't want to take the risk. It could be fatal if I make a mistake right now. And anyway..." I shake my head. "Her reaction is no reason to trust her. People lie, for whatever reason."

Julius's brow furrows, before he lets out a sigh. "That's fine, then. I just don't want you to needlessly... isolate yourself."

_Isolate._

That's the whole point of this, right? These attackers, for whatever reason, have planted a potent seed of paranoia within my heart, forcing me to distance myself and suspect my friends and squad mates. I've never been so alone in my life. 

"But, in that case, I'll stick to the plan." Julius gives me a thumb up. "We just have to pretend to be in a relationship... while also pretending to _not_ be in a relationship... while pretending to not know about the traitor in our squad... while pretending to just be friends... while-"

"Stop talking, please."

It's enough to make anyone's head spin, but somehow both Julius and I end up giggling together as we turn and keep walking up the stairs towards Hervey's office. "Anyway, hopefully this can be cleared up soon, so things can go back to normal."

"Yeah, yeah, for sure."

 _He answered that so quickly._ For some reason, that fact is slightly upsetting to me.

"Julius? What brings you two here." Captain Hervey eyes the pair of us as we enter his office and Julius closes the door behind us. "Don't tell me she's causing trouble or something."

"Huh, me?" I shake my head quickly.

"She's probably our best-behaved intermediate knight, Captain," Julius reminds him with a smile. "But no, she's not the one in trouble... but someone else definitely is."

 _Oh boy, here we go..._ I gulp nervously, squeezing and unsqueezing my hands a few times in an effort to compose myself.

"Hmm? Is something wrong?" Hervey's hard expression softens for just the briefest of moments. "Go on, spit it out. If something's happening with my squad, I want to know."

Despite the callousness of his words, they encourage me to finally find the strength to speak. "I'm sorry for not saying anything about this sooner, sir, but you have to understand... I was afraid. Back on New Years day, do you remember me coming in with all those injuries?"

My captain's eyes narrow. "...vaguely? Was that you?"

"Yes... I told everyone that I fell down the stairs, but that was a lie. Well, kind of- er-"

"A lie? _Kind of?_ You're not making any sense, girl."

The harshness of his words feel as cold as his ice magic, and suddenly I want nothing more than to just sprint away as fast as I can. "S-s-sorry, sir, I meant-"

"Captain, please, just listen." Julius's hand suddenly lands on my shoulder as he finally speaks up, saving the day once again. "She's been through a lot... she told me all this first."

"Well? Then what the Hell happened?" Hervey glares at me again, but by now I've managed to calm down enough to continue.

"I was pushed down the stairs, and two people proceeded to beat me until I was unconscious."

It seems like, out of all the things Hervey was expecting to hear, _that_ was not one of them. His mouth visibly opens and closes a few times before he can formulate a response. "...What?!"

"And that's not all!" Julius reminds me. I nod in agreement before continuing. "And two nights ago, someone at the bar drugged me. Everyone thought I had a hangover, but according to the bar tab, I only had one drink. That's not nearly enough to get drunk, even for a lightweight like me." I don't take my eyes off his face, gauging his every reaction. With each new sentence, he starts to become more and more uncomfortable. "I was attacked twice... the second time, I managed to get away, because Julius found me before anyone else could." Julius nods in agreement. "The worst part is that my attackers are definitely from this squad."

"From... this squad." Hervey's face is blank, his eyes still harboring that vague discomfort. "From... _my_ squad..."

"She told me all this, so I suggested we tell you. You can help us better, anyway," Julius suggests. "In my opinion, if someone in this squad is behind this, then-"

"No."

"-then we should definitely start looking into it-"

Julius's voice trails off when he realizes what Hervey just said. I feel my heart drop.

"...Captain? I beg your pardon-"

"I said _no._ " Hervey's face has hardened again, all emotion suddenly extinguished in his eyes. I've never seen that light fade so quickly, and the moment scares me more that I would like to admit. Now, he's utterly _unreadable._ "You're saying someone on your own squad tried to kill you? Twice?"

"I-i mean, maybe they weren't trying to _kill_ me, but- it-it could be that, or-" His sudden seriousness is causing me to stumble over my words, dangerously close to taking a nosedive."

"Or what?" Hervey shakes his head in a dismissive way before bombarding me with more questions. "Well, do you have any proof? Any suspects? Anything at all?"

Each one hits me like a bullet, triggering my flight-or-fight reaction again. _Stay calm! Just answer him with what you know._ "Well, other than the fact that I was _drugged,_ my attacker on New Years was wearing our squad cloak. And as for suspects, Alice, Giles, Nigel, and Elia were at the bar with me last night-"

"Listen to you!" Hervey suddenly barks and points at me accusingly. "Your _friends_ drugged you? Are you sure it wasn't just some creep at the bar?"

"I mean, I didn't see-"

"And your attacker was wearing our cloak? Nonsense..." Hervey shakes his head. "I don't want to hear any more."

I open my mouth to object, but I almost make an embarrassing choking sound instead. _What? But- he was supposed to believe me, right?_ _What more am I supposed to say?!_

"S-Sir, I- I'm sure of what happened, if we don't figure out who did this-"

"No one did anything, alright?" Hervey cuts me off before Julius can step in to deescalate the situation. "Listen- I'm sure you were actually drugged the other night. But that shit happens to, like, 4 out of 5 women or something like that. You should have known to be more careful."

"If I may interject-" Julius suddenly speaks up, a grim look failing to be hidden behind his smile. "She was with her friends, people she trusted-"

"Yeah, people she's more than willing to throw under the bus." Hervey snaps. "And on New Years, you probably just hit your head real hard and hallucinated the whole thing. There. Now, just be more aware of your surroundings next time and don't be such a klutz."

"K-Klutz?" I repeat, still a little shocked and upset that this is even happening. "Captain, please, if you would just listen-"

"No!" Hervey points at me accusingly one last time. "I won't let you spread rumors and let your paranoia pull this squad apart! Do you have any idea how long it took to build the Grey Deer to it's current reputation? Years! I'm not going to sit here and let a hysterical woman convince me to start tearing it all down because you got drugged at a bar!"

The rudeness of his words just sends me spiraling down further. Sure, Hervey had never been the most fatherly or kind mentor, but this sudden aggression is so-

"Hervey, I think you should at least consider it-" Julius finally steps in as soon as he has the chance, his voice raised just slightly enough to show he's serious. "These past few weeks have been agonizing for her, and it doesn't help for you to just come out and start calling her hyst-"

"Julius, you can't be so emotional about these things-" Hervey doesn't let him get his full sentence in. "Take her away and talk some sense into her, please-"

Anger flashes through Julius's eyes. "But-"

"Yes sir." 

Before Julius can respond, I pull away from his side and basically run out of the room. The pressure of that interaction mounted so high that I thought I might actually break under it, so I expect leaving to be a breath of relief. But it's not. The pressure persists, chasing me as I finally slow to a stop, leaning against the hallway wall. All at once, the unfairness of the situation hits me, and I feel tears prick at my eyes, welling up hotly in my throat.

_God... maybe I'm just an idiot._

The words are still stinging at my soul. The way he just... _dismissed me._

_Maybe he's right... and I'm just hysterical._

I always suspected it, even though my attack felt so real.

_And women do get drugged all the time... I should feel lucky that it wasn't any worse._

"Hey, there you are-"

I turn to see Julius run up, and a spike of fear shoots through me instinctively. _I can't talk to him right now, not after being embarrassed like that-_

"S-Sorry, Julius, I didn't mean for it to go that way-" I say before he can start talking. "And now the Captain's mad at you too... ugh!" I start to turn to run away again. "Just forget about all this, it's done."

"Wait!" His hand suddenly closes around my arm. "That's not what-"

"Please, Julius-" I wrench my arm away, just glancing back at him one last time. My heart nearly stops at the sight of his expression, which is so... sad. And disappointed... perhaps disappointed in _me._

"I've had enough _sense_ talked into me for one day."

Without another word, I turn and run off to be alone with nothing but my shame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please PLEASE give me a crumb of feedback I'm losing motivation quickly.


	10. | 10 |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uhhhh MC has some *lewd* thoughts in this chapter so be warned about that >///< Reminder this IS a "mature" rated fic.

"SO- It has come to MY attention that there is some... DISCORD within our squad."

Not even twenty minutes after my embarrassing confrontation with him, Captain Hervey has called a squad meeting in the mess hall, glaring over at us from the front while Julius and Malota stand awkwardly on either side of him. _Discord? Could he be talking about... me?_ My gaze accidentally drifts towards Julius, and we make eye contact for a split second. He doesn't react, but he still holds that same _helpless_ sadness he had earlier. I gulp and quickly look away.

"I won't stand for it! If we're to keep our reputation and beat the Crimson Lions this year, we need to stick together and not start baseless rumors behind each other's backs."

Okay, so he won't even look at me but I _know_ he's talking about me. How could he not. Luckily, none of the others notice my quickly-reddening face, and just blink up at the captain blankly, probably confused about what's going on.

"So, in order to schedule some impromptu "squad bonding," I've cancelled all your duties for the day. Go get your bathing suits, we're going to the lake."

NOW, he has their attentions. "Hell yeah!" Wren yells, racing off with the other boys to go get changed, their footsteps thundering up the stairs, audible long after they're out of sight. "Well, at least _they're_ excited." Hervey lets out a sigh, letting his arms fall to his sides. "Julius, go make sure they don't trample each other to death."

"Got it." Julius gives him a nod before breezing past us and disappearing as well. "Come on, girls, we're going, too," Malota finally speaks up, gesturing for us to follow. "This is supposed to be fun, don't forget."

So, thirty minutes later, we get changed and are on our way to the lake. It's only about a fifteen minute walk from our base. The snow has all melted, leaving a carpet of new, green grass to walk on. We went upstairs before the boys did, but somehow we are on our way before they finished getting dressed. I guess girls are just that more efficient at this type of thing.

"Here we are." Malota sets down her bag in the sand at the bank of the lake, looking over the expanse of water. "Nobody drown. And have fun."

I quickly shed my shoes and pants and run over to the edge of the water, dipping my toe in. "Youch!" The water is freezing cold, probably because this lake was fed by melting snow not that long ago. "I don't know if I'm actually going to go swimming or anything, guys."

"Come on, don't be a coward!" Alice, who seems to have no nerve endings, just jumps right in, splashing water up onto the rest of us. "Ah! Watch it!" Margery winces and runs away from the water, causing the rest of us to laugh at her expense.

"Oh, look who decided to show up."

We turn at the sound of Malota's voice to see the boys finally come shuffling out of the woods, all of them looking excited to finally be here. "Hey! We need our time to get ready," Wren objects, sticking out his tongue.

"Yeah, sorry, we had some trouble getting everyone ready to go."

Julius finally steps forward, a big smile on his face, and I nearly feel my heart stop. I never thought about the consequences of going on a lake trip with him until right this moment, as Julius stands there in nothing but a halfway-buttoned shirt and a pair of short swim trunks. It occurs to me that I've never seen him wear shorts or a t-shit before, so I never noticed how nicely toned his calves are, or how his biceps slightly strain the fabric of his sleeves... or how long his legs and arms really are... or how firm his chest looks... or-

 _AHHHHH!_ I have to scream mentally to drown out the sudden outpour of intrusive thoughts that are flooding my mind now. It only gets worse as his gaze finally lands on me. I watch in horror/delight (not sure which yet) as his eyes flicker _down_ to my _bare_ legs, then slide back up rather appreciatively to my stunned face. His expression doesn't change at all, in fact, he still looks a little sad, but I'm sure my face has turned sunburnt at the bold gesture. _D-d-did he just CHECK ME OUT??_ _In public?!?! I guess we_ are _trying to convince Alice that we're in a secret relationship, but that was a bit absurd..._ I quickly look down at my feet planted in the sand, wishing I could just sink down into it for an early grave.

"Sorry, but the Captain said that we were splitting up by gender," Malota tells the group with her deadpan voice. "So, you boys will have to hang out on the other side of the lake."

"What?!?!" Nigel whines. "We have to walk ALL the way over THERE?"

"It's not that far. And besides, it would be rude to make the girls walk," Giles reminds him, looking a little awkward as he stands there in his swim trunks. 

"Aww, look at that, Giles the ladies man," Wren teases, grabbing the scrawny boy and shaking him around mercilessly.

The girls all giggle a little at the display, until Elia gets an idea. "Well, I don't care about any of you boys or where you swim, but I think it would be fine if Julius was allowed on this side of the lake!"

Whoa! That was bold! Alice gasps before bursting out laughing, shaking her head. "Elia, give up already, it's a lost cause!"

Shit! I quickly remember the scene at breakfast this morning. If Alice keeps talking, she's going to blurt something incriminating out in front of the whole squad, even if it's just to spite Elia. That's the problem with Alice- she will keep secrets she deems "important" to the grave, but something like me possibly fucking our vice captain is just hot gossip for the telling. "Ah! Yeah, Alice, you're right, there's no way Julius is going to stay over here when he has to babysit the other boys."

Alice stares at me for a second before she realizes that I'm trying to deflect the subject. "Oh... yeah! That's why! No other reason!"

The explanation could be better, and her words earn a suspicious glare from Elia. But, Margery quickly takes Elia's side. "Yeah! Julius, you can stay over here if you want! we don't mind!"

"For sure, for sure!" Even Cecilia is starry-eyed over him, although she's probably _much_ too young to be crushing on him. 

"Ah, no, no, I appreciate it, ladies, but the Captain gave us his orders." Julius laughs nervously, avoiding the looks of disappointment on all of their faces. "Come on, guys, a little more walking won't hurt."

With a chorus of groans, the boys walk off around the edge of the lake until they're out of earshot. "Finally. Alright." Malota sits down heavily on her towel and pulls out a book, proceeding to ignore us completely. "Have fun."

Since the water is so cold, we end up just wading around in the shallows without getting too deep. "Well, it's nice to skip work for a day!" Alice says cheerfully, reaching down and pulling out a smooth rock. "Anyone got any secrets they want to share? It's girl time, after all~"

"I wonder what the captain meant when he said there was _discord,"_ Margery mutters, rubbing her arms to stave off the cold. I look over at her, a little on alert at the mention of that announcement. I still feel a heavy pit of embarrassment in my stomach, impossible to ignore. "I haven't noticed anything, other than Wren being an ass as usual."

"It's probably a boy thing," Cecilia suggests. "After all, he split us up by gender."

"Julius is probably handling it, then. He's good at that emotional stuff, you know?" Alice shoots me a grin that sadly does _not_ go unnoticed by the last person I want to confront right now.

"That reminds me..." Elia straightens up and narrows her eyes at me. "You've been acting really strange lately... I've never seen you and Julius exchange more than 5 words at a time, but now all the sudden you two are attached at the hip."

 _Oh god..._ I hate being put in the spotlight, and this is no different, as everyone is suddenly staring at me. _Elia! I know you're going through your "crush on Julius" phase, but I didn't think you'd just come out and talk about it-_ Well, now I actually have to defend myself. "Oh... well..." I smile nervously. "I told you the other night, Elia, we're just friends-"

"Cut that crap. I'm not that stupid, you know!" Elia suddenly cuts me off. "I've seen you making eyes at him, and he's making them back! Care to explain? _Friends_ don't gaze longingly like that at each other."

 _Gaze? Longingly? Making eyes?!_ That's news to me. "Huh? Oh, well- I don't really know what to say to that-" I start to say, already choking. This kind of pressure is terrible, and I have a bad feeling that I'm going to shoot myself in the foot. "I haven't been making eyes at him at all, and if he's making them at me- which he _is_ _n't!-_ that's his problem!" I cross my arms, trying to seem firm in my stance. "And there's no way he is... I mean- I'm engaged, right?"

Alice bites her lip and looks between me and Elia a few times, practically bursting at the seams from the weight of her secret. _Stay quiet, Alice, please!_

"That's the problem! You're engaged." Elia points at me accusingly. "If you weren't engaged, I wouldn't be so upset. I would probably just be normal jealous, which I can get over. But you're _engaged!_ So, you're either leading him on or _cheating_ on the Prince! Neither one of those things is acceptable!" Elia's lips curl into a smile as she realizes that I'm starting to break under this pressure. "You might as well come clean to us, before I start interrogating Alice about it, too! Because she's definitely hiding something."

Alice's eyes widen and she opens her mouth to defend herself, but I talk before she has the chance. "Look, Elia, I get it-" I suck in a breath. "You're jealous, right? And it makes it worse, because I'm engaged, right?" Elia glares at me, nodding slowly. "Well... I don't know what else to say. I already told you, nothing's going on between us. And if there _was_ something going on... it's none of your business. So, stay out of it, or I'm actually going to cause some discord in this squad."

Every cell in my body is telling me to bail out of this situation, so I ignore Elia's next words and just turn around and start wading away. "Hey! Come back! Where are you going?"

"I'm going on a walk. Don't bother me!"

I tune the rest of them out as I walk off to sulk by myself.

Just this morning, everything seemed like it was going to be okay. Julius assured me time and time again that he would see this through. We laughed together, we were hatching a plan to fool Alice, we seemed so... close. But then the Captain had to go and dismiss me, and say those mortifying things, and now I can't even look Julius in the eye. He looked so sad... I don't blame him. My situation is sad. At the end of the day, I'm just a sad little girl who's seeing things in the dark.

_But... it all felt so real..._

But it wasn't, it couldn't have been. I hit my head too hard. I'm paranoid. I made a mistake that hundreds of other women make. That's all there is to it.

And worst of all, I dragged Julius into it. I made him make a fool of himself in front of the captain, too.

_I'm sorry... Maybe it's best if we pretend none of this happened._

But, it felt so warm and safe when I let him hold me as I cried. I wanted to feel that again... 

_Maybe one day. After I get rid of Lawrence._

Because, at the end of the day, Elia is right. It doesn't matter how I feel about Julius, if I cheat on Lawrence and he finds out... I'm dead.

_Even though it's tempting..._

I catch myself biting my lip at the thought.

 _Stop! Come on... I'm not_ that _pathetic._

"GASP!!! AUGH- OUGH-"

 _What the Hell?!_ A terrible noise, accompanied by splashing, meets my ears, and I turn to see a shirtless man dragging himself up onto the shore. "AH! What are you doing?" I recoil a bit as he sits up, coughing up water, and see that it's none other than Wren.

"Blech... ugh-" He wipes his mouth off before opening his eyes to look at me. "Oh, it's you." He sighs and rolls over and flops on his back, utterly spent. "Isn't it obvious? I swam all the way across the lake! I did it first, too." He grins. "We're racing."

"Ah, okay." Seems like something the boys would do. "Isn't that dangerous? I mean, you barely made it, do you think one of the kids or Nigel is going to drown trying?"

"Don't worry, Julius will just fish them out," Wren assures me. "He's playing lifeguard."

_Lifeguard..._

For a split second, a crackpot plan flashes in my mind. _That's it! I'll go swimming and pretend to drown... then Julius will rescue me, and I'll wake up as he's hovering over me, shirtless, to give me CPR-_

_AHHHHH!_

I slap my hands over my face in shock, making Wren look up at me curiously. "What's wrong? You look terrible. Heatstroke?"

"What?! No, no, shut up, Wren."

He wrinkles his nose. "Fine." Wren sits up again, brushing off the sand. I stare out at the water, watching the others struggling to swim. I can't see anything clearly, which is a shame. What I wouldn't give to see Julius without his shirt right now-

"Hey... I wanted to tell you something."

 _...hmm?_ I look over to see that Wren has stood up, staring at me intensely.

"...yeah?"

I look into his eyes, and I'm shocked at what I see.

_...Wren?_

He's in pain. Horrible pain. I almost take a step back at sight of the storm contained within his eyes.

"...are you okay?"

Wren blinks a couple times, tensing up as if he's building the courage to finally speak. But, as soon as he opens his mouth.

"WREEEEN!!! CURSE YOU!"

We both look over to see Nigel pulling himself onto the shore, looking super tired but somehow alive. "You're cheating, somehow!"

Wren scoffs. "I have feather magic, you idiot. How am I supposed to use that in water?"

Nigel sniffs indignantly. "Was I... interrupting something?" He wiggles his eyebrows. Usually, it would be annoying, but I'm still worried about what Wren was about to say.

"Yeah, what is it?" I turn back, and see that the pain has disappeared from his eyes.

"Nothing. Come on, Nigel, i'll race you back on land."

And with that, the two of them sprint off down the lakeshore, leaving me alone and confused once again.

* * *

"-and ANYWAY, I think Giles is cuter."

"WHAT?!"

It's a typical day in the women's bath at the Grey Deer base. After our... tense squad bonding session, we all headed there to clean off. Malota has already gone back to her room, while the rest of us are rinsing off in the shower. Elia confronted Alice about her apathetic feelings towards Julius, and Alice just dropped the bomb we never expected to hear.

"What? I have my preferences, and you have yours," Alice retorts, wringing out her hair.

"This isn't about preferences! Alice-" Elia is still gawking. "You just compared Julius to _Giles..._ and said _GILES_ was _CUTER?"_

"What's so bad about that?" Alice smirks. "At least I don't have to worry about my man being stolen."

Elia goes bright red and starts babbling nonsense, and I decide to leave before her wrath inevitably turns on me.

"Shit!" Alice looks over to see me holding up my change of clothes, which somehow became soaked while I was in the bath. "All my other clothes are in my room!"

"Hehe, just run for it~" Elia teases, a smug look on her face. I wonder if she "accidentally" splashed my clothes while I wasn't looking, but I don't have the energy to be mad about it right now.

"No way! Here, I brought an extra dry towel." Alice hands me the towel. "This should at least keep you covered. And besides, I doubt any of the boys are out of the bath already."

"Right, thank you!" I give her a smile before wrapping the towel around my body and running off. I shiver a little as I go, since I'm still a little damp, and my soaked clothes in my hands are causing steaks of water to run down my arm. Hervey's powerful ice magic keeps the halls cold 24/7, which doesn't help. _But, I'm almost to my room, just down the stairs and around this corner-_

I run around the corner without checking first, and run face-first into something that feels like a tree trunk. "Ouch!" I immediately bounce off and lose balance, landing hard on my butt. My wet clothes _splat_ on the ground as I drop them, barley holding onto my towel to keep it from slipping. _Ah!!! Alice was wrong, one of the boys was out already!_ I almost start to panic, but as soon as I look up at who it is, my brain turns off entirely.

"Oh, sorry! I didn't see you-"

It's Julius. He cuts himself off as soon as he realizes that it's _me_ he's talking to. I would look at his face, but I'm preoccupied with the... rest of him.

_a-a-ah-_

He's just wearing a towel, and not a big one. In fact, it's much too small. He probably didn't want to run into anyone, either, because... well... absolutely nothing is left to the imagination. _Nothing._

I'm paralyzed, sitting there in my towel as I look up at this soaking wet Greek god of a man. If I thought his calves and biceps were toned, I had NO idea what a treat I was in for when he finally showed his abs and... th-thighs... and his hips... I can't take my eyes off them. They're so well defined, so sharp they could cut you, tapering off teasingly below the fabric of the towel... 

It hasn't been that long since I saw a naked man. Lawrence was here not too long ago. But now... I feel like I'm seeing one for the first time. I've never looked at someone's bare skin and suddenly felt such raw, untamed _desire_ as I do now, sitting here and staring at him for much longer than I should. It I had _any_ less self restraint, I would have probably just thrown my towel to the side and begged him to pounce on me right now, to show me everything I was missing, no matter what the consequences would be.

But, no such thing happens, and I finally look back up at his face, the realization that I just sized him up like a piece of meat dawning on me. _Oh shit... Oh shit oh fuck!!!_ A moment later, his own gaze raises back up to mine, but not before the brief second that he's staring at me. _Me._ My hands clutching the towel demurely, my legs partially crossed protectively...

We stare at each other for what feels like an eternity. The almost... hungry look he had on his face for a split second suddenly disappears, replaced by an embarrassed blush. He opens his mouth slightly, as if he wants to say something. An apology? Or maybe... a proposition? I can't move, stuck there on my ass, drawing in heaving breaths, trying desperately not to act on the adrenaline that fills every inch of my veins.

_Uh oh... this is a... complication..._

Finally, Julius seems to get a hold of himself. I am trying very hard to not let my gaze flicker down to his towel, just to see if... maybe possibly... something was visible there that wasn't there before. 

"Ah... well... need a hand?'

He holds out his hand, the movement so strong and sure despite his flushed face.

_H-his hand..._

I stare at it as if I've never seen a hand before.

_Ah... I should take his hand... and-_

My body moves before I can do anything, my flight or fight response activating and choosing flight. With a strangled word, maybe something that was supposed to be _sorry-_ I leap to my feet, avoiding his hand and _sprinting_ away as fast as I possibly can. I'm shocked, mortified, horrified.... but more than anything else, _horny._

_AHHHHHHHHH_

Before I know it, I'm back in my room, slamming the door and locking it behind me. I take a few steps and collapse on my bed, gasping out breaths as I come down from the terror that just spurred my escape.

_Oh... god..._

I curl up and bury my face in my pillow, willing myself to think about _anything_ but _him._ But it's impossible. Because, for a while now... he's been all I can think about, right?

_Julius... maybe I never stopped having a crush on you._

And how could I not? He's kind, funny, dependable, caring... he stood beside me in my darkest hour. Not only that, but apparently he has a pretty bangin' body, too. 

_I can't think about it though... not now..._

Am I going to be able to wait the years it may take to break things off with Lawrence?

Or...

What Lawrence doesn't know, won't hurt him, right?

_...right..._

_Maybe I should go apologize to Julius..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow there was a lot of objectification in this chapter. I hope you enjoyed, leave a comment if you did ;)


	11. | 11 |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: kind of spicy chapter oops ;)
> 
> Another warning: there is a *brief* mention of something traumatic that happened to MC in the past. It's pretty clear what happened even though I didn't state it explicitly.

"Hey! Oh- you going somewhere?"

After sitting in my bed for ten minutes, I _finally_ muster the courage to get up and get dressed. I keep conjuring up reasons against visiting Julius right now, piling up like a huge mountain in my mind; but one BIG reason is outweighing them all. _I'm going to get in so much trouble... can I really just walk in there after I embarrassed him earlier?! But, he's so yummy- YUMMY?!?! Shut up! Shut! Up!_

Despite the argument between the angel and devil in my mind, I pull on my pajamas and a bathrobe, then turn towards the door. 

_I don't care if I get in trouble! I'm going to take this opportunity even if it kills me. I've lived too many miserable years, so it's time that I do what_ I _want to do..._

As soon as I push to open it, the door swings my way to reveal Alice coming back from the bathroom, and she's immediately suspicious. One look at my face after her question, and she understands, her mouth breaking into a shit-eating grin.

"You're gonna go see _him_ again, aren't you?"

All hope of coherent response is dashed as I struggle to form words. "W-What if I am?" I finally reply, crossing my arms and looking away.

Alice giggles as she steps inside, closing the door behind her. "Good for you!!! But you have some explaining to do~" She pokes me teasingly in the side, earning an undignified whine from my lips. She knows all of my most ticklish spots. "I did NOT expect to walk in to see you in his bed last night. Also, did you see his bed head? That was so cute~"

"Yes, of course I saw his bedhead." I give up on leaving for the time being and sink back onto my bed. If I get stuck here for much longer, I'm going to lose my initiative. "I slept with him, after all."

"AHHHH!" Alice squeals and suddenly gets right up in my face. "Tell me! What happened!? How on earth did you get him!? Julius is, like, the crown jewel of men! I knew you had it in you but this is huge!!! How was it? What did his dick look like?! Is he better than Lawrence??!"

"Ah! Slow down! I-I can't tell you any specifics-" I laugh nervously as her questioning finally ceases. _God, I wish I didn't have to lie about this... Maybe I should just tell her the truth? After all, all those attacks were just in my head, right?_ But for some reason, I can't bring myself to give up on the guise... just in case... "It was... er- good?" To be honest, I don't know what "good sex" entails so I can't get very specific here. "But... I mean, it's still sort of... _happening..."_ I can't help but smile, my heart doing a backflip in my chest. _Maybe tonight... it'll happen for real. And I won't have to lie anymore._ "I went to thank him for taking care of me the other night, and he invited me to sit with him for a while... and..."

"You didn't _sit_ with him for very long, did you?" Alice gives me a cheeky smirk, rubbing her chin as she mulls it over. "You're really something... I can't believe it. Elia is going to be so jealous once this goes public-"

"Ah, public? You know I can't make anything public right now..." The reality of the situation starts to fade into my happy, horny haze, Lawrence's scowling face appearing in my mind. "If anyone hears about this-"

"I know, I know." Alice takes my hand and offers me a sweet smile. "I need to be more careful about keeping my mouth shut... Elia is onto you for sure. I promise I'll keep your secret."

I let out a little sigh of relief. "Thank you, Alice-"

"As long as you tell me all the details!" Alice giggles and slaps me on the back a little harder than she had to. "Now! Go get your man!"

"Alright, alright!" I grin back and get back on my feet, smoothing out my robe. "I'll see you... later."

"Hehe, you better have a good time!"

With one last wink, Alice opens the door and shoves me out into the hallway, leaving me to walk alone to the officer's hall.

_Oh god..._

There's no avoiding it now; my feet are carrying me right up to Julius. Once I arrive at his room... 

_What's even my plan? Jump him immediately? Or try and ease into it? I guess I can start by apologizing for today... maybe I can offer to make it up to him? Ugh, that's too corny! I don't want him to think I'm promiscuous or anything..._

Suddenly, I blink, and I'm already there. Julius's door stands ominously in front of me, a light under the door revealing activity in the room inside.

_Here I am... let's do this... I can do this!_

Sucking in a breath, I reach up and knock on the door.

Three agonizing seconds later, it opens, and my first reaction is to instantly die. "Oh, hi! I was wondering when you were going to come up."

Julius stands there, smiling down at me as if the event 15 minutes ago never happened, wearing a bathrobe that he's _clearly_ not wearing anything under. It takes every braincell in my body to tear my eyes away from the bit of chest peeking out of the fabric (he's got a little bit of blonde hair there... it's hot) and back up to his eyes in a timely fashion. A moment later, his words hit me. O-Oh? You expected me?" Oh god. His mouth twitches, almost into a more smug smile, but it only lasts a moment. _Was I_ that _obvious?_

"Yeah! You said you didn't trust Alice, right? I didn't think you were going to stay in your room, so..."

_... oh._

"Oh!" So, I wasn't obvious? Or maybe I was, and he's just teasing me now. Julius chuckles at my blank expression before stepping aside and motioning for me to come into his room. "Thank you..."

"My pleasure." _Pleasure._ His words cause a pathetic little shiver to run down my arms. I awkwardly walk over to the couch and sit down, my legs crossed at the ankles. _Come on, stay calm! Remember the adrenaline from earlier..._

I squeeze my eyes shut and conjure up the heavenly image I was blessed with earlier. Julius, soaking wet, in that little towel, towering above me-

"Are you alright?"

Oops! My eyes pop back open and Julius is standing right in front of me, hands on his hips. I stifle a little scream and quickly nod. _Shit! Too much!_ "Ah- yes, I'm fine, I'm fine, aha-" I rub my face nervously, avoiding his eyes and every other part of his body. He doesn't say anything for a moment, but the silence is so heavy it nearly starts to suffocate me.

_This tension..._

It's unlike anything I've ever felt with Lawrence. Sex was a chore for me, something I had to do for him because it was my _duty._ But now... I'm the one who wants it. And I want it more than anything else...

_Does he... want it too?_

This all happened so fast, over just a couple days. Just last night, I told him my secret, and he accepted me wholeheartedly, bringing us closer together than ever before. Can just one day of this closeness escalate so quickly?

_It feels so right... I'll be screwed if anyone finds out, especially Lawrence, but every inch of the universe is telling me to do this._

"Would you like a drink?"

"...yeah. Please."

We sit there together on the couch in silence, and I steal little glances at him every time I sip the glass of wine he graciously gave me. Once, I catch him looking at me, and we both avert our eyes as quickly as we can. The wine is bitter in my mouth, but feels nice and warm as soon as it hits my stomach. Slowly but surely, the silence becomes more comfortable, maybe because of the alcohol. My heart starts to beat a little fast, and I finally draw in a breath in preparation to speak.

"So... I wanted to apologize."

Julius looks over at me, his eyes narrowing with concern. "Huh? What for?"

"For this morning..." I shake my head, guilt starting to bubble up again like a hot spring. _Hot springs... damn, I'd like to go to a hot spring with Julius sometime- HOLD ON. Don't think about that right now!!!_ "The Captain... I'm sure you must feel very embarrassed."

"Embarrassed? Not at all! There's nothing embarrassing about helping a friend out." _Friend? Oof._ My stomach turns slightly at the word.

"I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if you were," I answer, staring at my wine glass to avoid his gaze. "You took my side, and Hervey just... shot us down."

"...of course I took your side."

His answer isn't hesitant, it's more sure than any phrase I've heard before. I glance over at him quickly to see him staring pensively at the ground. One of his hands rests heavily upon his knee, and I can't help but feel that it's resisting the urge to touch me.

"I still believe you, you know. Hervey is an ignorant old man who doesn't want to face the truth. There's bad eggs in this squad, and I'm going to smoke them out. After you ran off, I went right back to his office and told him that."

Julius finally looks over at me, and his grim expression melts into that warm, gentle smile. Those lips, and those little dimples... they make me weak.

"Something terrible happened to you, and I won't let them win. You're... special to me. And this isn't the first time someone special to me has been hurt this way."

 _...special?_ I blink, staring into his eyes as he speaks. _His friend who died... I wonder-_

"I'm not going to give up on you. I'm with you to the end."

I suddenly become aware that, somehow, his hand moved over, and is now holding mine. I didn't even notice the movement, I was so entranced by his words, but now he's touching me-

My lack of reaction suddenly hits him, and his hand quickly lets go. "Ah- well-" He laughs nervously, a light blush suddenly appearing on his cheeks. "I mean-"

Without really thinking about it, I reach out and grab his hand before he can retract it all the way, and he freezes mid-sentence.

"... Julius... do you really think I'm special?"

It's inconceivable. Julius, who's basically a perfect man, a powerful mage, and vice Captain... he thinks that _I'm_ special?

He looks almost as nervous as I feel as he finally answers.

"Of course I do... maybe this is not my place to say... I know you're engaged and all... but..."

His voice trails off as he looks up to gaze into my eyes again, where he can see just the slightest glimmer of... 

_...joy._

I lean in just slightly, and he does too, mirroring my movement without taking his eyes off of mine.

_We're going to do it... I'm actually going to do it-_

But then, he hesitates, for just a moment.

"...your fianc-"

I don't want to hear about my fiance. I don't want to hear anything. So I cut him off by closing the distance, my lips hitting his to halt his words. Julius freezes up, a little surprised that I made the final move.

It feels like time has stopped. This room doesn't exist anymore. The couch doesn't exist anymore. All there is are his eyes, widened and staring back into mine. But then, finally, even they close, and I close mine as well, letting everything melt away except the warmth from his lips. An arm quickly wraps around me and pulls me closer, so secure and safe, I forget about all the problems plaguing me.

It's bliss. Ecstasy. My first kiss with Lawrence ended with him shoving his tongue down my throat, but Julius is slow and calm, his lips just barely moving against mine yet commanding them perfectly. One of my hands clutches his arm while the other slides up his chest, relishing in the strong, firm muscles there that vowed to protect me. The sight of his skin before made me shut down, but I feel oddly pensive now that I finally have my hands on him.

_He's so..._

"... _perfect."_

_"Hmm?"_

I open my eyes as he pulls back just a little, the word rasping out from the kiss. Julius's eyes crack open a little, and he smiles at me tenderly, one of his hands coming up to caress my cheek. "You're perfect... so perfect." I shiver a bit as his hand slides over my back before hooking around my waist. With one smooth movement, he pulls me onto his lap, our bodies pressed so, so close together. I open my mouth wordlessly as our hips slot together, and-

"I saw how you were looking at me earlier." His voice is suddenly right in my ear as he leans in to kiss teasingly up my neck, and I nearly spasm as his lips ghost around the shell of my ear. His eyebrows pop up for a moment at the reaction, and I feel his grip tighten. "Don't worry... the feeling is mutual..."

"...oh?" It's taking a lot to remain calm right now, opposing forces willing me to either go limp with bliss or start tearing away at him immediately. "I don't know what you're talking about, Julius~"

I feel the hair on his arm stand up at the sound of his name on my lips, barely a whisper. Without much warning, his hand suddenly slides down and grabs a generous handful of my ass, causing me to cry out softly and jerk against his body. I quickly feel my face heating up as he chuckles at the impulse. "You shouldn't tease other men while you have a fiance, you know," Julius whispers in my ear again, having turned the tables with just one movement. His words and touches are still so gentle, but there's a firm undertone to them, letting me know that I'm _right_ where _he_ wants me. "That's so naughty... who knows what I'll do to you?"

"Maybe... you'll do exactly what I want you to do."

It's the truth. Julius pulls back to look at my face again, an almost giddy grin on his face that's both cute and sexy. _He's been waiting for this, hasn't he? Waiting for_ me... I can't help but grin right back. Without another word, our lips crash into each other again, more hungry and heated than before. Julius lets out a soft groan and unexpectedly bucks his hips against mine, drawing a small whimper. _Ow... god, he's- oh-_ My mind starts getting fuzzy as soon as I realize that he's... _really_ turned on right now. His kisses turn almost desperate the longer we paw at each other, one of his hands gripping my ass while the other closes around the back of my neck, holding me there as his lips and tongue just... ravage me.

_Ah... this is actually happening..._

I rub my hips down into his, which spurs him to suddenly pull his lips from mine. "Look at you... bad girl." He chuckles a little as the phrase halts my movements, and he takes the opportunity to grab the hand that rests on his chest and drag it down his body. "At least do it properly~"

I don't even have to look down to know that he's already pulled his robe apart. My eyes stay fixed on his chest, not daring to travel down his perfect abs as he guides my hand down further... and further...

"...oh-"

Julius lets out a soft breath through his parted lips, his hand helping mine close around his thick-

"You feel that?"

"M-Mhm."

_Oh my god..._

"What do you think?"

"...big..."

_That's an understatement._

Another chuckle vibrates his chest, his hand gently moving mine up and down the shaft. As if he can read the worries that suddenly fill my mind, Julius's voice softens just a little bit.

"Don't worry, it's not going to hurt. By the time I fuck you, you're going to be so wet."

_W-wet..._

With a stifled groan, his hand starts to speed my movements up.

"Your hands are so soft... so delicate..."

My mind is going fuzzy again.

_Fuck..._

What feels like a moment later, I'm on my back, him hovering above me. I let out a surprised squeak, since I didn't even notice the movement. "Ah! B-Be gentle-"

I blink, and everything comes back into focus. Julius looks... concerned, almost scared? His robe is tied up again, and he lets out a sigh of relief. "Oh god... are you alright?"

"...what?" I try to sit up, but my head spins and I flop back down. "Wait, what happened? Did we-"

"You passed out, I think..." Julius's hand strokes my hair softly, his expression not changing. "You just suddenly went all cold and limp, and you didn't respond to your name-"

He keeps talking, but the words start to slur together.

 _I... passed out? What? Why?_ I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to make sense of it all. It was so hot, being there on his lap with him whispering those dirty things in my ear...

But...

"Hey, hey, don't cry! Ah!" 

Julius freaks out for real this time as tears suddenly bubble up from the corners of my eyes. "I'm sorry! I-I shouldn't have pushed you so far, this is my fault, please-"

"H-Huh?" Julius looks like he's about to start crying too, and I quickly come to my senses. "No! No! It's not your fault, I-" 

_Wait, why am I crying? Why did I pass out? I wanted this so bad, but why was I so..._

_Scared?_

It hits me a moment later.

_...oh..._

"Julius...?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you just... hold me?"

"Yes, of course."

Before I know it, his arms are around me again, holding me close, but this time there's no heated moments... it's chaste. Comforting. Safe...

More tears leak out.

"I'm sorry for scaring you like that... that's never happened before."

"It's alright. I shouldn't have made you touch me... it wasn't right-"

"No, no, it was right. I wanted to." I squeeze my eyes shut. "It's just... I think... my body just sort of... shut off..."

Julius is silent for a moment, his hand still stroking my hair softly. "...do you know why?"

"...yeah."

_Lawrence..._

The tears start to get hot. Bitter.

"My fiance... he's five years older than me... so I had to grow up a lot faster than I should have..."

I don't really need to say any more. I bite my lip to stifle more tears as the arms around me tighten protectively. 

"That's horrible..."

I bury my face in his chest, just relishing his warmth. 

_But, Julius... do you have any idea how much you've helped? Just by being_ here?

"I'm so sorry. I'll be more careful next time, okay?"

_Next time..._

For some reason, my face starts to heat up with shame. 

"Right... I-I should get going."

"What? I thought you were spending the night here-"

"No one's gonna murder me in my bed, Julius."

I start to pull away, but his grip is much too tight. My weary, exhausted body can't muster the strength to free myself right now. 

"No, you're staying here. I can sleep on the couch of you want, but I don't want to put you in danger."

His lips press against my forehead for a just a moment, but it's enough to make my heart flutter. Such a brief yet tender gesture... yet more love than I've ever received from Lawrence. 

_Love..._

That word scares me. 

"Alright, fine." I sigh and pull away to scowl up at his handsome face. "You can sleep with me if you want... just _please_ put on some pajamas!"

Despite the seriousness of the moment before, we both burst out into giggles, and I close my eyes when he leans his forehead against mine. "We can talk about all this later... but just know..." His hand squeezes mine gently.

"I'm very, very happy."

His words stick with me long into the night, after we both curl up under his covers for a long sleep. I've never actually slept next to someone before, but it's nice...

Yet, I can't shake the dread that laced this whole evening.

_Please... I'm praying... let all this turn out okay._

I finally drift off to sleep, Julius's light snoring soothing my mind as much as his strong arms around me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this chapter okay? 0.0 LMK what you think!


	12. | 12 |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: oral sex bc I can't do slow burns any more apparently

I've never slept a whole night with someone before. Lawrence never stays after he's gotten what he wants, leaving me alone to curl up in my misery. Of course, Alice and I have had sleepovers where we shared the bed, but not like... this. When I open my eyes the next morning, stirred by the singing of the earliest bird outside, it takes me a moment to remember why someone's arms are wrapped around me so tight, their legs tangled with mine, and their face buried into the back of my head. Once the memory fades into my drowsy mind, I can't help but smile.

Because, despite how I arguably embarrassed myself last night, Julius is _still here,_ holding me tight as he snores away.

None of it really makes sense, at least not yet. To be perfectly honest, I didn't know Julius would actually... _feel_ something for me. The most I was hoping for was a one-night-stand, fueled by that fleeting moment of hunger in the hallway. The way he looked at me then, I knew I could get at least _that_ much. I didn't expect him to grab hold and not let go, to show genuine interest in _me,_ not just my body. It's foreign... something Lawrence never wanted to give me. Yeah, he would hold my hand, he would fuck me, but he wouldn't cuddle me at all, much less like _this._

Part of me warns against hope. But everything else is telling me to hold on tight myself.

Despite the warm feelings that flood my chest at the thought, I can't just hang around here forever. I crane my neck (pretty difficult in this position) and see that it's nearly 7 am on the clock. Breakfast is at 7:30, so people will be walking around the base soon. _I can't be seen coming out of Julius's room in just my nightgown! If someone sees me, they'll talk, and before I know it, Lawrence is going to be knocking at the door demanding an explanation! UGh-_ There's nothing more I want to do than snuggle back next to Julius and sleep the day away, but it's too risky. With a heavy heart, I start to try and remove myself from him.

Emphasis on "try." The moment I move, Julius's grip tightens and he silently curls up around me. It's almost suffocating at this point, like some snake wrapped around its prey! "Uh- Julius- I need to go-" I whisper meekly, not sure there's anything I can do. 

"...no you don't." Julius finally speaks, his voice still weighted with sleep. His leg slides over mine and hooks around, trapping me further. "Stay here... just a few more minutes."

It's not like I have a choice, but something tells me that I was looking for a reason to stay. "Alright, fine." I relax into his hold, and I feel him smile against my skin, satisfied that he's won this small battle. His grip loosens, as if he's melting, and for a brief moment in time, I melt, too.

_...but... I still don't get it._

I feel his lips again, this time on my cheek, the light touches like a butterfly alighting upon me. I have to squeeze my eyes shut and hold in a giggle at the sensation, a movement he picks up on. Julius chuckles to himself, still sleepy, his lips trailing down my neck and leaving delicate kisses behind. "How did you sleep?" he finally mumbles, his thumb drawing small circles over the hand he's holding. "I hope I didn't snore to loud."

"No, it was nice," I whisper back, his voice somehow grounding me more in reality. "Your bed is so comfy."

"You can sleep here every night, if you want. For- er- safety reasons."

I let out a soft laugh, and I hear him join me. "Maybe... we'll see."

" _We'll see-"_ he repeats, then lets out a sigh. It's almost... sad. "Sorry... it's been a while since I slept next to someone."

 _Huh? Really?_ I have to resist the urge to turn over and look at his face. That's surprising... Julius has a lot of admirers, it would be easy for him to invite someone into his bed. But maybe, he has the same problem I do... the only love I knew was the physical kind, a selfish, lustful love that left me drained and disoriented. I remember the way Elia and the other girls talk about him, and how _I_ even looked at him... like he was a piece of meat ready to consume.

He's like me, isn't he? He's... lonely.

"...I'm sorry."

"Hmm? For what?"

 _Love... I don't know if I'm ready to even say that word._ Somewhere deep inside, the feelings coming off of Julius make something very clear... the potency of this feeling almost _scares_ me. And for whatever reason, I'm the one in his sights, but instead of it being an honor, it seems like a burden. I'm a lost cause, right? My perception of love is skewed, _ruined._ And I know, if I turn around and look in his eyes... I'll get lost in them. I'll _drown,_ because when it comes to love... I just _can't swim._

"...nothing."

* * *

"So??? How was it!!!?"

Alice is waiting for me by the time I sneak back to my own room, promising to see Julius again at breakfast. "Um... good?" I deflect the question before turning to my dresser. "It went like you would expect it..." In reality, it did _not_ go at all how I expected it, but at least now I don't have to lie to Alice. 

"Awww, come ooooon~" Alice whines, rolling over to keep watching me. "Tell me the deets!!! 

Uh oh. I avert my eyes and focus on stripping down and pulling on my uniform. "Well... it was very nice. But more than that..." I pause my dressing for a moment, a little smile playing on my lips. " _He_ was nice... I don't know, maybe it's just because I've been with an asshole all my life, but Julius..."

"Ewww, never mind, if you're going to start talking about love stuff!" I turn and give Alice a disgruntled look, which causes her to peel back off into laughter. "Kidding! I'm happy for you, really." She sits up and swings her legs off the bed. "So, do you have a plan? Like- with Lawrence?"

"Not yet... I have to keep it secret for now," I tell her, pulling my robe over my head. "So you keep your mouth shut, you hear?"

"Got it!" Alice smirks and gives me a faux-salute. "And _you_ keep your mouth shut, too... I'm sure it's hard to keep quiet when he's inside you-"

"ALICE."

Despite that just being a little joke, something starts to worry me as we make our way down to breakfast together. I feel... guilty. I know I shouldn't, but I do. _God! If only I had held it together last night, I would have actually gotten laid... by a guy who actually cares about me, too._ My ears start to heat up at the mere thought of it, but it's accompanied by a pleasant hunger in my belly that's definitely not the result of it being mealtime. _I'm sure he meant it when he said he was fine with just sleeping, and he definitely enjoyed cuddling... but... I wouldn't blame him if he were a bit frustrated. Julius is lonely... I feel like I deprived him of something he needed._

It's a ridiculous thought, Julius hasn't demanded _anything_ from me. But still... I want to give it to him. I want to know what it feels like with someone I actually like. Have I missed my chance?

No... there's going to be many more chances. Even today. It's only morning, after all! I'm sure another chance will come up if I'm patient.

Spoiler alert: I'm not patient in the slightest.

"Good morning, you two! My, you're looking radiant."

I thought Alice would be the one I have to rein in when it comes to my secret, but as soon as Julius sees us, I realize that it's _him._ He's already sitting at the table, fork in hand, but it falls to the table when his eyes land on me, and a big dumb smile becomes plastered on his face. _Uh oh... don't be obvious, Julius!!!!_ I gulp and give him a nervous smile, hoping that none of the others already here will pick up on all the tension. "Oh... thank you! You look pretty good... yourself?"

Alice is nearly drawing blood as she bites her lip, dragging me to sit down next to her at the table. Julius simply chuckles a little to himself and thankfully remains silent, although his eyes don't leave my face the whole time. 

"What's got you looking so happy this morning?" Elia finally slides into the seat next to me, sourly looking at my face. 

"Huh? Oh-" I shrug, quickly busying myself with my food. "I uh- just had a good time at the lake yesterday."

Elia obviously doesn't believe me but doesn't pursue the subject. "Fine. Keep your secrets."

"Hey girls!"

We look over to see Giles and Nigel walking in, plates piled high with food. Those two are unmatched in how much they can eat. "Hey losers-" Alice counters. "Where's Wren? He usually comes down with you."

"Apparently he got called to a meeting with the captain," Nigel snickers. "Sounded kind of serious... maybe he's in trouble!"

"That would be funny," Elia adds, glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. "maybe he'll get kicked out."

"Or imprisoned!"

"Or exiled-"

More laughter comes from my friends, but I can't bear to join in. All I can do is smile weakly and eat, hoping that I'm wrong and one of them didn't drug me that night.

"Hey... look-" Alice grabs my shoulder, her voice hushed, and gestures casually down the table. More of the senior knights are here, but I know exactly who she's talking about. "Guess who hasn't stopped staring at you since we got here?"

Oh boy. Cautiously. I glance over and see that Julius is indeed staring at me, almost dazed-looking, his head tilted slightly as it rests on his hands. His food is going cold for sure by now, but... 

_AhH! JULIUS!! Don't be so obvious... anyone looking at you right now will know something is up-_ His buddy Elger, who's sitting next to him, has noticed, and stares at Julius with a weird look on his face. I quickly look away before he can connect the dots, but it might already be too late. "Ignore him!"

Alice giggles. "My, you must have really rocked his world last night-"

"ALICE."

Even after the conversation moves on, I can feel those eyes burning into my skin. Butterflies swarm in my stomach, but at the core of it is _excitement._ It takes everything in me to not stare back at him, make bedroom eyes, and let him whisk me away somewhere private. _Well... that's not such a bad idea..._

I still want him. Even if I have the rest of the day ahead of me, I want him _now._

"Hey, where are you going?"

"To wash my dish! I'm not that hungry." I smooth out my cloak after I stand up, making sure to talk loud enough that the other end of the table can hear. "See you guys soon." With that, I turn and sashay off, fighting the urge to glance back at the table. All I can do is hope that this vague plan works...

But of course it does.

"Heyya."

As soon as I finish washing my dishes, Julius is already up and leaning against the kitchen doorframe, his usual smile on his face. "Oh, hi!" I greet, giving him a smile of my own. My pulse quickens as I struggle to move onto the next phase of my plan. Luckily, he does it for me.

"Want to go talk in private?"

"...yeah!"

And so, we head off upstairs, to his office. The entire walk there is filled with tension, so thick I could choke. I barely notice when he shuts the door behind us, I'm so lost in my thoughts. _Now what? I'm not used to taking this type of initiative... oooh, what if he thinks I'm being to presumptuous? No, no,of course not... well-_

"So... I've been thinking." Julius suddenly speaks before I can get my first word in. "We should start seriously sizing everyone up, and figure out who might be our culprits."

"...huh?" I blink, so lost in my self-made adrenaline that I can't immediately catch up.

Julius frowns. "You know? The ones who attacked you?"

"OH. Right!" I connect the dots and let out a nervous laugh. _Get yourself together! Don't look like an idiot, at least..._ "Right, right, right... it's not fun to think about, but I suppose I have to."

"I'm sorry." Julius moves over to his desk and leans against it, his feet planted firmly on the ground. My eyes drift over his strong legs before quickly flickering away. Now that we're having an important conversation, I can't just derail it by jumping him right now... despite how delicious he looks. 

"Are you okay?"

 _Fuck!_ I just started going off into another daze. I jump a little as I feel his hand on my shoulder, and I blush a little as I let myself look up at his concerned face. "I know it's overwhelming, but I want to get to the bottom of this, okay?" I nod slowly, prompting him to lean in and press a sweet kiss to my forehead. I can't help but let a smile flicker on my face for a moment. "You know what you mean to me now... we can talk about this more later, though, okay?"

"...okay..." I lean forward and press my face into his chest, a gesture he accepts eagerly. The safe feeling of his arms around me threatens to make me melt right then and there, but then I realize that I have an opening.

"Julius?"

"Mhmm?"

"I was... uh... thinking."

"Thinking? Really?" I pinch his arm as he teases me with mock-disbelief. "About what?"

"...about..." I gulp, glad he can't see my face right now. "er... l-last night."

It's hardly noticeable, but I feel his grip shift at the words, just enough to make me realize that _he's been thinking about it, too._

"Is that so?" His voice hasn't changed, still calm and comforting. "What about it?"

"You know..."

He finally gives me a real reaction, a soft laugh that I feel more than hear. "Right... I had a good time, you know."

A little pang of guilt hits me again. "Did you?"

"...yeah!" He suddenly pulls back to smile down at me, his narrowed eyes taking in my embarrassed face. "I always have a good time with you."

"Yeah, but- uh-" I feel a little frustration. _I don't want him to think I'm so timid after last night! That was just a fluke! He's being so careful with me... I need to be more aggressive!_

"I mean it, don't worry." Julius's hand lands on my head and strokes it softly, which incidentally gives me an idea. "I thought I made it pretty clear... you're special to me, and even though I'd love to go farther with you, I want to go at a rate you're comfortable with- AH! W-what are you doing-?"

Julius cuts himself off, his voice wavering nervously as I suddenly kneel down in the middle of his little spiel. "I'm showing you that I'm perfectly fine with this rate- or whatever-" I tell him quickly, willing myself forward before I chicken out. I run my hands up his thighs, my heart skipping beats with every band of muscle I feel. "I mean... if you want me to?" I look up at him through my eyelashes, my lip pouting just _slightly._ I might be naive about a lot of things... but I know how to get what I want. 

The concern in Julius's eyes fades slightly, not quite disappearing all the way, but it's replaced by something else. Almost like curiosity... but more than anything, _want._

"... go on."

I give him a little grin, finally letting my hands continue sliding up. Julius sucks in a little breath, for the most part silent as he stares down at me, his mouth twitching just slightly as I avoid his crotch and go for his belt instead. The anticipation is killing me, and it must be doing the same to him, but I will myself to be patient and make him so hungry for it, he can't resist. I want him to let go of his fear, and let himself pull me close, to let me in. He's a lonely man, and I want to help... in whatever way I can. And right now, this is how I do it.

"Here, let me help-"

Julius is quick to reach down and make quick work of the belt I was fumbling with, the zipper quickly following. Last night, I got to feel him up but couldn't actually get a look at him since I... passed out and all. But now, there's nowhere else to look as he pulls the front of his pants down and lets his already-stiff cock spring out at me. 

_Oh shit-_

It's bigger than I remember feeling last night, and I can't help but stare for a long moment, my mouth slightly open. I'm drooling, yeah, but it's also very intimidating. And it doesn't help when I feel that hand on the back of my head, pulling me in. "Take your time... but not too much time." Julius bites his lip and glances at the door. "We _are_ in a shared office after all."

He's right, and I give a little nod before finally leaning in and letting my tongue dart out. Julius nearly spasms when I go right for the sensitive tip, sucking once before pulling off and kissing lightly around the spot. "Oh, you have a little technique?" he asks, his voice still steady.

"What did you expect?" I mumble back, fighting off a blush as I catch a glance of him staring at me. "I'm not innocent... not _that_ innocent." To express my point, I lick up his length once deliberately, finally getting a reaction. I feel his knees wobble slightly, and his hand suddenly knots in my hair.

"Of course not... you'll be good and innocent for me, though, won't you?"

The words send a pleasant chill down my neck, the soft growl in his voice, stirring many forgotten emotions within me. This is nothing like it is with Lawrence. It's not so much a demand when Julius pushes me down onto his cock, softly moaning as I finally get to work some magic. It's... a _plead._ "Ah- y-ou're good that this-" Julius breathes out, his hand pushing me faster, more deliberately. He's coming undone, a lot quicker than he expected, and despite the way his cock chokes me and tears form at the corner of my eyes, I almost smile. This is what I wanted, for him to feel good because of something I'm doing. He only pauses once to sit down in his chair, his limbs weakening. I take the opportunity to pull myself off and smirk up at him, my cheek resting against his inner thigh while my hand teasingly strokes him. "Enjoying yourself?"

"What do you think?" Julius, despite being out of breath, flashes me a grin, his hand stroking down to my neck once. "Don't tell me you're getting tired." I shake my head quickly. "Good girl."

I lean back down to continue, this time his hand restricting my movements, slowing them. Despite saying that we needed to be quick, Julius is taking his time now, determined to milk me (or- er- himself-) for all I'm worth. I can't help but think about Lawrence in the moment, how he would react one day once I leave him to take the arm of my gorgeous vice captain. How indignant he would be, how _enraged_ to find out that I willingly pleasured this man. Every aspect of this experience...

It's thrilling.

He starts poking into the back of my throat, and I whimper slightly at the foreign feeling, struggling to keep taking it. Despite how I was talking before, my stamina is terrible and I'm not sure if I'm going to hold on for much longer. "I'm almost there, baby, I promise-" Julius grunts out, one hand gripping the side of his desk while the other starts setting an unmerciful place. I just weakly whine in response, my throat starting to burn a bit. "You're being so good- I'm going to make you cum so fucking hard after this-" The promise makes another jolt of adrenaline go through me, the thought of him doing _this_ to me quite exciting. "God- ah-"

Just as he starts to lose himself, something grabs his attention. Maybe it's a sixth sense, or maybe he was using his time magic to check ahead, but Julius freezes up before he reaches a climax. I blink my eyes open to see his own widening, a look of shock and fear on his face.

"Fuck-"

There's no time to hide. Just as the word leaves his mouth, the door swings open and the other vice captain Malota walks in. Julius lets out a squawk of surprise and nearly jumps in his seat in a vain attempt to react, but only manages to knock his knee super hard against the bottom of his desk. "YOUCH-" The shout leaves his mouth as he panics, disoriented, horny, and scared.

"Julius-"

The only good thing about this situation is that I'm hidden behind his desk, and from where Malota is standing right now, she can't see me. But still, she stops in her tracks at Julius's reaction, arching a thin brow as he does nothing but sit there and pant, slowly turning red.

"Julius... were you-" A look of slight disgust crosses her vulture-like features, and her eyes just glance down at the table, very aware of the presence behind it, before rising back up to her comrade's embarrassed face.

"You know what... I don't want to know."

Without another word, Malota swiftly turns around and races out of the room, her face becoming indifferent again. A moment later, the door slams shut, and the two of us are left alone once again.

"... "

Neither of us dare to move. Julius's eyes stay fixed on the door as Malota's footsteps fade away, before looking back down at me. He lets out a soft sigh, the corners of his mouth twitching at the sight of me staring up at him with his cock still in my mouth (it's not like I had time to move! And plus, the hand on my neck is heavy-). "That was... close."

He finally lets go, and I draw in a shaky breath as I sit up, my throat awfully dry after the recent abuse it just received. "S-she didn't see me, did she-"

"No, no, she didn't!" Julius assures me, glancing at the door again, his fingers deftly brushing the hair out of my face. "Malota wouldn't care anyway, don't worry." he gives me a reassuring smile before licking his lips a little. "So... are you-"

 _Wait, he wants me to continue? After we got walked in on?!_ I blink a few times, too aghast to say anything at the moment. Julius laughs sheepishly. "I mean, she's probably not coming back, right?"

"...right..."

Somehow, I find myself smiling once again. Julius mirrors it, his pulse quickening as he grabs the back of my head again. "I think we're going to get along famously."

Julius doesn't beat around the bush this time. He thrusts down my throat again and again, his hips raising just slightly to meet my lips each time, his hands guiding me at his pace. I handle it a lot better this time, feeling satisfied every time he moans under my touch. He doesn't say anything, but I know he's getting close by the way his movements become sloppy, and his cock twitches needily. I give him exactly what he wants, sucking hard for a few thrusts. And that's it- With one last pleasured sound, Julius pushes me down and cums, hard. I wasn't planning on spitting anything out, but I still gag a bit as his release hits my throat, hot and thick and almost too much for me to handle.

For a few blissful moments, he just sits there, tensed up with his eyes squeezed shut. Then, finally, he lets go of me.

Not completely, though. His hands gently take hold of my shoulders as I sit up and cough a little, taking a few deep breaths through my nose. I'm a little dizzy and can't really see through my blurry eyes, but I feel overwhelming satisfaction. _I did it... Julius, you're mine, you hear!_ I want to make him feel like this, again and again, and for him to do the same to me. Maybe love is something I can't handle right now... but I can let myself be close to him.

_Eventually... love will follow._

The sensation of his fingers on my face pulls me from my thoughts. Julius chuckles, worn out, and traces the corners of my lip with a fingertip. "You missed some-" he states, swiping up the remains of his cum and pushing his finger into my mouth. I whine a little at the movement but get my revenge by sucking once. Julius sucks in a breath and quickly removes the digit. "Ah ah- don't tease me, or I'll have to punish you~"

"Punish?" I repeat, reaching up and rubbing my eyes. When I blink them open again, I can see just fine, the blur of the passionate moment gone. "I thought I deserved a reward."

"Oh, that's right. Here-"

Before I can do anything, his hands close around my waist and hoist me up, so easily that it makes me squeak out in surprise. The moment he set me down on the desk, his lips are on mine, his arms holding me as close as can be. I eagerly kiss back, my sore jaw enjoying the respite, and reach up to cup his face with my hands. Julius pulls back just enough to look into my eyes, and the look of sparkling admiration in his own catches me off guard. "What?"

"Hmm?" Julius seems to almost be lost in thought. "Oh, it's just... I like you."

"...?" I frown a little. _Isn't that obvious?_ "Well, that's good to know."

A little laugh comes from his nose, and his goofy smile widens. "No, I mean- Ah, you're full of surprises, and I like that... not just with _this..._ kind of stuff, but also with- you know-" Julius's words are fumbled, almost incoherent He finally spares himself and cuts himself off with a shake of his head. "Never mind, don't listen to me, I'm just being an old sap."

Despite his sheepishness, I somehow understand what he was trying to say. With just a little difficulty, I lean up and kiss his forehead softly. "It's okay... I feel the same way, Julius."

"...I'm glad. Thank you."

With that, he buries himself back into my embrace, our lips moving so perfectly that it seems like they were made for each other. I close my eyes and start to get lost again, pure joy overtaking all logic and guilt in my mind. For a brief moment, Lawrence doesn't exist, my attacker doesn't exist, nothing does... nothing in this world matters but _him._

At least, just for that _moment._ Because the door slams open a minute later.

"Julius! Sorry to interrupt again, but-"

Both of us scream and whirl around, still holding each other, to see Malota run in again. For the first time, the emotion on her face seems _real,_ the shock of seeing _me,_ a girl engaged to a prince, being kissed by Julius. We sit there in silence for a moment, but then, in true Malota fashion, she sighs deeply, all emotion leaving her face.

"...I won't ask... but-" She straightens up. "We're leaving."

"Leaving?" Julius repeats nervously. I can feel his heart racing through his chest. "What's happening?"

"Apparently the Diamond Kingdom's been attacking the border since yesterday-" Malota explains, shocking us both. "But the Crimson Lion Kings were sent to handle it in secret. Now we're being called in."

 _We're being called in... wait..._ A jolt of fear shoots through me. _That means... the Crimson Lions failed! The Diamond Kingdom beat them?!_

"I see- the whole squad is going?"

"Yes. Our briefing is in 2 minutes." We can hear footsteps all around the base now, thundering urgently in the rush to get ready. "Be down there beforehand."

"Right." Julius's face is stony now, but flinches slightly as Malota turns to leave again. "Er- Malota- about this-"

"Don't worry. I don't care anyway-" Malota assures him before disappearing once again.

With a deep sigh, Julius lets go of me, helping me get off the desk. "I'm sorry," he apologizes, still looking pale. "She saw us- I should have been more careful."

"Maybe... but we have a bigger problem now." That familiar pre-battle feeling is already coursing through my veins. Trying to ignore the dread balling up inside me, I reach down and take his hand one last time. 

_The Diamond Kingdom..._

Maybe, for a moment, the world didn't exist. But now, it's crashing down on all of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the slow update! I've been kind of busy lately but I hope you're all still enjoying the fic!


	13. | 13 |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo it's been a while! Sorry about that, I've been busy working on another fic (Triad, if you want to check it out). Anyway, here's the beginning of a fierce battle lol- things will not go as planned. I also forgot how to write fight scenes lol but that's okay bc the emotional moments here are nice. Anyway, enjoy!

"There are injured civilians and Magic knights throughout the city! Some might be shipped out as POWs soon, but that's why we're here, to stop it! Our primary objective is to clear the area of innocents and the injured, then wait for reinforcements from the Silver Eagles to arrive and drive out the enemy. Is that clear?"

"Yes sir!"

There's barely a second to waste, so Captain Hervey barks out his orders to us as we shoot towards the border town, finally coming into view. My heart is pounding, my hands gripping the wood of my broom handle so tight I'm surprised it hasn't cracked. Alice holds onto me as I drive, bent over a bit to avoid getting a face-full of my hair as the wind whips through it. All of us are here on brooms, except Julius, who went off ahead by himself to scout out the area. His absence just makes me more nervous. _I hope he comes back soon- what if they were waiting for him, and he gets captured, or worse-_

My thoughts are (thankfully) cut off as Hervey continues his spiel. "Once Julius gets back with info, I'll split you up into groups, then deploy you. Remember, try not to attack the enemy until all the civilians are out of the way."

I nod slowly to myself, my eyes still transfixed on the city. There's smoke rising, and I can hear magic blasts from afar. This morning, the vague order came directly from the Wizard King: _"The border town of Lullin has been under siege from the Diamond Kingdom for three days. They have finally broken through the Crimson Lion Kings' defenses. Your squad will hold them off until the Silver Eagles arrive as backup."_

And that was it. _The strange thing is, none of us knew about this siege, even though it's been going on for three days!_ We land on the outskirts, out of sight from any of the forces inside. The town was walled, as are many border towns, and the fight is going on within the pit. _Was it kept secret on purpose?_ Whatever was going on here, it was now _our_ problem. The Grey Deer were used more as a diplomatic squad, escorting royalty, nobility, and foreign visitors. Most of the battling was done by the Silver Eagles and the Crimson Lions. But today must be desperate, because here we are, nervous as can be, getting ready to jump into our first real fight in a while. 

"Well, at least we get to kick some Diamond ass!" Nigel, of course, is rearing to go, even though I suspect this newfound confidence is just a way to cover up his own nerves. He does a few lunge stretches, which at least lightens the mood. "Giles, lets have a contest!"

Giles, who looks like a corpse right about now, nearly jumps out of his skin at the sound of his name being called. "Huh? I don't think this is the time for a contest!" he objects.

"No, no, it'll be easy!" Nigel smirks and hits his hand into his palm. "Whoever takes out the most diamond guys wins!"

" _Take out?_ Like, KILL?!"

"No! Like- take out-"

"You didn't think this through, did you?" Alice asks, her face not matching her teasing tone. "Don't bother keeping count... just..." Her gaze drifts, and it's obvious that her next words are meant only for Giles.

"Don't... get yourself killed because you're distracted. Just survive." Her smile reappears, just a whisper. "Alright?"

Giles stares at her for a long second, the sunlight shining on his glasses. You can see the understanding start to dawn on his face, and even he manages to smile back, a smile meant to quell her worries.

"Of course. Right back at ya, Alice."

Suddenly, there's a loud _whoosh_ and a _CRACK_ in our encampment. We whirl around to see Julius land there as powerfully and gracefully as usual. My lips part for a moment in a quiet sigh of relief. _He's back! And unharmed!_

"Julius, what's the situation?" Hervey demands, turning to walk over to his Vice Captain. "How many are there?"

Julius takes a moment to catch his breath before answering. "A lot..." He shakes his head. "Maybe a hundred Diamond mages. Plus their General."

There's a worried murmur among the squad at the mention of the General. Instead of captains, the Diamond Kingdom army was led by their "8 Shining Generals," who were rumored to be as fearsome as they come. If one of them was here, and had already defeated the Crimson Lions, how on earth are we supposed to make any headway?

"Dear God..." Hervey twists his goatee anxiously, his forehead creasing at least five times as he considers what to do. "Do you know which one?" He glances up in time to see Julius shake his head. "Well, we're going in blind... perhaps we should stick to the perimeter-"

"The Crimson Lions are being kept hostage in the center of town," Julius cuts in before his captain can finish. "The General is stationed in there I believe. As for the residents, they're being kept in their homes in several areas of town. I don't know what the enemy plans to do with them, but I think we should try and evacuate them before the Silver Eagles arrive." He glances around at the rest of us. "We'll split into four groups. Three will sweep the houses and evacuate civilians. Me, Captain Hervey, and a few of you will head for the center and cause a distraction." His gaze hardens for a moment as the orders are issued. "We should be able to accomplish this quickly. I don't want any civilians to get caught up in battle once the Silver Eagles are here."

We all nod silently in agreement. Hervey opens his mouth to say something, but even he can feel it; When Julius spoke, everyone's nerves were eased, if only for a moment. For a moment... it was like Julius was the Captain.

With that, Hervey splits us up into groups and tells us to prepare ourselves. I get put into a group with Wren, Giles, and Martin, which I'm not thrilled about, but at this point I'm to jumpy to even care. Everyone is tense, their hearts pounding adrenaline through their bodies. Alice sits on a rock and taps her foot. Martin starts biting his nails. Malota and Hervey talk together quietly. Julius hasn't spoken- or looked at me for that matter- since we left the base. Now, he stands alone on the ridge overlooking the passage to town, his face turned away from me so I have no hope of reading it. But his shoulders are squared, his head held high, and his stance sure. Whatever lays ahead, he's ready and confident. My heart starts pounding for a different reason, but I shake my head to rid it of any intrusive thoughts.

_I have to clear my head, to get ready for this... I have to focus more than anyone else here._

Using my _Illusion_ magic is tricky enough, and even more so in the fray of battle. I have only seconds to read someone's face, cast my spell, and generate an image of something in their mind that will stop them from attacking me. Like with those bandits before, I'll probably go with injuries that will shock them. I squeeze my eyes shut taking in a deep breath.

_Injuries... injuries..._

It would be so much easier if I could see my own illusions, but by nature they only appear in the minds of my targets. I have to transmit that image as convincingly as possible if it's going to do anything. And in order to do that, I do... research. I have a box full of medical textbooks and trauma first aid manuals under my bed, which have some pretty realistic pictures inside. Every time I crack open a page, my stomach turns and I feel dizzy, but I force myself to look. 

_It hurts that much just to study... I can't imagine how it must feel to see that injury appear on your body._

But now I have to do just that. I have to hurt people again.

 _Maybe it'll feel nice..._ I suck in another breath through my nose, squeezing and releasing my fist a few times.

_I've been hurt a lot lately... maybe it'll feel nice to finally hurt someone else._

I imagine what it'll be like, when enemies are attacking and I have no choice but to use my power. I already know, that every single one of them will have Lawrence's face plastered on in my mind's eye.

Before I can think to hard about it, I hear someone crying. 

Blinking slowly, I remove myself from my trance and turn to see someone slumped behind a tree, their head hanging and their arms hugging themselves like they were the only real thing left in this world. "Um... are you okay?" I take a few cautious steps, walking into the treeline and realizing that it's none other than Cecelia who's crying.

As soon as she hears my voice, she looks up, her eyes already swollen and red. "Oh- uh- yeah-" She reaches up and starts to wipe her face frantically. "I-I just got really nervous for a second, I t-think I'll be fine now-" She lowers her hand and takes a deep breath. But, when she releases it, more tears burst out. With a whimper, she covers her face, her shoulders trembling.

She's scared. Well, we're all scared, but she lets it show on her face. Her eyes are overflowing with water and she bites her lip hard to keep it from twitching. 

_She's... so scared..._

"Cecelia..."

Without really thinking, I walk forward and pull her into a hug. Cecelia freezes up for a moment, her face planted right into the fluffy shoulder of my robe. I give her a squeeze.

_She's only 15... and yet she has to go to war with the rest of us._

"I don't really remember my first battle. I was your age though," I start to say, not exactly sure where I'm going with this. Lately, I'm the one who had to be comforted, so being there for someone else isn't coming as naturally as I would like. But I have to do the best I can. "I bet you won't even remember this in a few months."

Slowly, Cecelia nods and lets her hands come up to hug me back, but her crying does not cease. "Are you s-sure?"

_...no._

"Of course." I stroke her hair gently, my heart clenching more and more.

_Oh god... if anything happens to her..._

"Hey, what's going on here?"

We both look up to see Alice peek around the tree, her eyes widening when she spots Cecelia's tears. "oh! CC..." Instead of being paralyzed like I was, Alice immediately melts into a grin before stepping forward. "Give me your hand."

Hesitantly, Cecelia, lets go of me and lets Alice take her small hand. Alice bends down just a little to look the girl in the eye, her irises glinting with golden determination. "You're nervous, right?"

Cecelia nods.

"You can say it, it's okay."

"I...I-I'm scared..."

"That's perfectly alright. But listen-" Alice clasps her other hand over Cecelia's. "You're in my group, right? So I'll protect you! No matter what. And you're going to protect me too!"

Cecelia's breaths are still shaky, but somehow she manages to smile as well.

"I will..."

"Promise?" Alice sticks out her pinky finger, causing Cecelia to giggle. They lock fingers and shake once. 

"Promise!"

The somber air is gone now, replaced by something more hopeful. I let out a relieved sigh before turning to leave. _I wish I was as good as Alice,_ I think sadly. _She's so good at handling these types of delicate situations. She's always been my rock..._ Could Alice really be involved in my attacks? Was she really part of that plan?

_... no. Of course not._

"Hey! You too!" I look back to see Alice and Cecelia looking at me. "Promise me you'll protect yourself, and everyone else in your team," Alice repeats.

"Well, maybe not Martin-" Cecelia pipes up, grinning as both Alice and I collapse into peels of laughter. "I'm kidding, guys!"

"Cecelia, never change-" I tell her through a giggle, reaching up to wipe my own eyes. "And yes... I'll protect everyone, I promise."

With that, there's only mere minutes before we have to set out. The fear in my veins is still there, but my new-found confidence beats it back into being silent. This is just like many fights and battles before. Maybe on a larger scale that I'm used to, but it's just another fight. A fight that I will probably forget within a few months. I leave Alice and Cecelia alone, stepping back out into the meadow. Once again, my eyes are drawn to Julius, still standing by himself on the ridge. _Should I go say something?_ I gulp nervously, my heart fluttering a little. Part of me doesn't want to bother him, but at the same time, I wonder if I will regret passing up this one last chance.

"... hey."

Julius looks to his side as I finally walk up to him, my eyes fixed on the city in the distance. "Oh, hi. I was wondering if you were going to come keep me company."

I shoot a glance up at him to see him smiling, and my nerves melt away immediately. "Ah, I see... well, better late than never?"

"For sure." He closes his eyes for a moment before opening them again to study my face. "Well... it's been an... _eventful_ day, hasn't it?"

I gulp nervously, glad that we're facing away from the others because my face is definitely starting to heat up. "Um, yeah, I suppose it has-" I let out a breath of embarrassed laughter, the memories of earlier this morning flooding back. These past few days were crazy, and something tells me it's just going to get worse. "I'm sorry, I guess-"

"Sorry? For what?" Julius winks. "I enjoyed myself, you know." I raise an eyebrow, my heart pounding a little. Between last night and this morning, things between us have... escalated. And now, on the horizon of battle, there's nothing I'd like to do more than throw myself into his arms and hold him one last time. I'm sure he'll be fine, but I don't want to die without that...

But we can't. I feel eyes burning into our backs, watching us closely. Malota, I know, is watching. She and Alice alone know about me and Julius, and any wrong move could set off an explosion. 

"If anyone should be sorry, it's me." Julius finally speaks again, his eyes narrowing slightly as sadness pools within them. My breath catches in my throat at the look, and I almost want to start crying right then and there. "I... hope you don't feel like I'm taking advantage of your situation, because you're vulnerable. And I hope you know that I was serious about everything I said before, and-"

Suddenly, he's the one who seems desperate to confess something, even though he's been honest with me from the very start. I can't do anything but stare at him blankly, dumbfounded that he's apologizing, before blinking away my shock. 

_"You're special to me."_

_And Julius... you have no idea how much I want to love you._

My heart strains hard at the walls I put up around it, begging me to set it free and finally surrender it to someone on my own terms. But this isn't a good time... in fact, it's the worst time possible. So I keep it imprisoned just a little longer.

"Julius-"

He stops talking as I reach out. I want to touch him, to rub up his chest, to grab the collar of his shirt and shut him up with a big kiss. And from the look in his eyes, I know he wants the exact same thing. 

But I don't do that. I just let my hand land on his shoulder, like a good comrade would.

"You have nothing to apologize for. Honestly." I offer him a smile, one that I hope comforts me just as he does.

Slowly, Julius nods, then reaches out to grab my shoulder as well. We stand there, still, for a moment, but any longer and people would start to _think._ So I let go, and he does the same. "We need to go." Julius inhales deeply, the sadness gone from his eyes. "Be careful, alright? There's a lot I want to talk about when this is over."

"Oh?" I shoot him a wink as I step away. "And a lot you want to do with me, right?"

Julius's eyebrows pop up in surprise, but he can't suppress a grin, a slight tinge of pink appearing on his cheeks and nose. "Of course, of course. I still owe you a reward, don't I?"

I open my mouth in mock shock, even though that one comment is sending my heart reeling once again. _Oh my god, I_ better _survive today!_ I'm not sure what Julius has in mind for that "reward" but something tells me that it's going to be something I'll remember for a long, long time. 

\----------------------------

As soon as we part, the world descends into a blur. Hervey is once again shouting orders, and everyone jumps onto their brooms, ready to go. In one swam, we lift off the ground, but then our groups break off to surround the city. "Hey! Loser!" I look over to see Alice grinning at me as she starts to zoom away. The wind muffles her words, but I can just make them out. "See you later!"

"You too!" I smile and give her one last wave before turning away.

Wren, Giles, and Martin fly behind me, silent but already with their grimoires out. I squint my eyes against the wind as I watch the center of the city like a hawk, where Julius and the others will be causing a distraction.

_Any second now... come on-_

It happens; the entire area grows cold, and a huge spike of ice rockets up out of the earth like some evil, jagged tower. "There! That's the captain's magic! Let's go!"

"Hell yeah!" Wren lets out a hoot as we start to spiral down to our assigned sector of the city.

"Hold on! Don't go so fast!" I yell over to him. "Someone's gonna see us, we need to give them time to get distracted-"

"So? We're here for a fight!" Wren smirks. "Anyway, it's not like you're in charge, I'm the oldest here."

"Maybe Giles should be in charge!" Martin pipes up. "He has glasses, right?"

"Martin, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said." I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing to God that I had been paired with Julius or Alice or _anyone_ other than these two. "Fine, Wren, you lead us, but for the love of GOD, please don't do anything dumb."

Wren's ego is just growing by the minute, and he even does a fist bump in midair. I roll by eyes at him before looking back down at the city, and notice some soldiers running out of a large building and towards the center of town. "There!" I point out. "That's where-"

"Where the prisoners are being held!" Wren cuts me off rudely. "Martin, you head towards the closest wall and start making a hole in it. I doubt we'll have time to escort the civilians to the main gate. And you two-" he glances over at Giles and I. "We're going in hot, so get ready!"

"Aye aye!" Martin swoops away towards an abandoned section of the wall, his brown grimoire already flipping open. I don't have time to watch him activate his wood magic and land, because Wren, Giles and I start our dive. The wind whips around us, and the few Diamond guards still stationed at the building finally notice us. "Look out!" They start to open their Grimoires, but it's too late.

" _Illusion Magic: Sudden Death."_

There's seven of them, more than I expected, but the two that I don't manage to transmit the illusion to stand there shocked as their comrades suddenly start screaming and clutching at their stomachs. "Huh? What the hell? What's wrong?" 

" _Feather Magic: Harpy's Fury!"_

They look up just in time to see a barrage of sharpened feathers shoot down at them. The projectiles cut and stab, until the remaining enemies fall to the ground in an unconscious heap, just in time for the three of us to make our graceful landing.

"That was awesome! Did you see me take those guys down?! Did ya?!" Wren nudges one of the fallen with his boot, getting no reaction in return.

Giles puts his broom down and frowns curiously at the enemy through his spectacles. "What did you do to them?" he asks me. "I mean, what did you show them?"

I shrug. "Not much..." I gulp nervously, forcing myself to shut the images away in a compartment of my brain. "Intestines usually does it."

Giles winces a little, but shakes his head. "Well, you distracted them-"

"Come on! We're going to be slower than the other teams if you keep chit-chatting!" Wren yells, already halfway through the door. Giles and I exchange an exasperated look before running after him.

To our surprise, the first halls seem rather empty. _If I had to guess, this is some sort of common area for the town. Which means that there's a large, central room, perfect for holding a large number of prisoners._ _There's probably more guards stationed around there-_

Sure enough, we turn the corner and come across an opening. There's a large double door, barricaded shut, with three guards in front. They seem surprised to see us, but we don't give them time to act. Well, more specifically... _Giles_ doesn't."

" _Horn Magic: Mighty Ox!"_

With a loud yell, Giles balls up his fists and punches forward with both at the same time. Right on cue, two sharp, massive horns form around them, spotless ivory shining in the lantern light. As he thrust forward, the horns broke free, rocketing towards the enemy. With a resounding _bang,_ they went flying back, breaking through the door and skidding to a stop on the tile floor beyond. "There!"

"Damn, Giles-" I can't help but say, my mouth twisting into a smile. Giles, soft spoken, bookish Giles, was a beast! No wonder Alice liked him so much. 

Giles brushes off his sleeves before giving me an uncharacteristically confident smile. "Surprised? You've seen this magic many times."

"Yeah? And it still blows me away every time."

"GUYS?" Wren suddenly wines. "Come on, we have a shit ton of people to save."

I don't answer, just sticking my tongue out at him briefly before running to enter the great hall. Just as we thought, it's packed to the brim with people, frightened civilians who are huddled together on blankets and flimsy looking cots. "Y-You're Magic Knights!" one of them exclaims, tears edging her eyes as she realizes that they are saved. 

"Yeah, yeah, we're the Grey Deer." Wren crosses his arms as he "kindly" addresses the crowd. "Everyone, get up and get moving! We've prepared an escape route to get you all out of here before the Silver Eagles get here to kick these guys' asses!"

There's a flurry of movement as people jump up, grabbing their meager belongings and scrambling to get ready. Wren gives us a worried look, his eyes narrowing slightly. I know what he's thinking: _this is going a little too smoothly. Let's get out of here._ "Giles-" Wren turns to address him. "Make a hole in that wall over there. It's quicker than walking all the way back through the building."

Giles nods, bringing out his grimoire once again. "Right!" He directs his attention to the wall, his back to us. " _Horn Magic-"_

Midsentence, I see it appear on his back. A ball of energy shoots between Wren and I to hit him, and on impact I see his body freeze in place.

My eyes widen, not quite taking in the sight, not before it's too late.

"GILES-"

"AAAAAAH-"

Giles's body crunches up, a quickly growing spot of green foam spreading over his back. His shirt dissolves along with it, and I see that his skin has been burnt an angry red color. With one last agonized cry, Giles stumbles and falls to his knees, shaking with pain.

 _What?!_ Wren and I finally react, spinning around to see a group of ten mages coming into the room behind us. One of them, the man in front, wears a fluffy black coat, his hair slicked back over his head, and a wide, cruel smile on his face. Three stones are embedded in his head, one on each cheek and another above his lip. His grimoire is an acid green color, matching the magic that hit Giles, and floats open in front of him. Wren and I stay frozen in place, our heart pounding as if we were in the sights of an apex predator.

Because... that's exactly what this man is.

Almost in slow motion, he speaks.

_"Slime Mold Magic... release."_

A shuddering breath is ripped from Giles's throat as the magic leaves his body, returning to this man's Grimoire. I glance back to see him sit up, still pale and shaky. _Shit! Who is this guy?!_ I turn back to look at this new enemy. _He's strong, I can tell... oh god..._

"You three... Magic Knights. I can tell that you're young." The mage licks his lips. "And full of potential. We value that in the Diamond Kingdom. It's not something I should _waste._ " The way the words leave his lips is akin to a hiss from a snake. "So, I'll give you one chance... leave now, and I won't harm you."

"No way!" Wren immediately answers, his hand on his Grimoire. His eyes hold none of their usual mirth; only shrewd observation as he takes in his options. I nod slowly along with him, still formulating a plan of my own. "We came here to save these people, and that's exactly what we'll do."

The mage laughs, the cruel sound echoing through the hall. A few of the frightened civilians behind us are whimpering in fear. "Foolish children... do you really want to feel the wrath of one of the Shining Generals?"

"H-Huh?" The threat takes me by surprise and I can't help but let the gasping word leave my lips. "But..." I glance at Wren, who has gone pale as well. "Wasn't the General supposed to be in the center of town?"

"Silly girl." The Mage laughs again, louder this time, his Grimoire already flipping to a new page.

"Did you think we'd only send one?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooooooooooh noooooo MC has to fight a shining general now... with two questionable comrades lol. How will this turn out? Find out whenever I decide to update again lol!


	14. | 14 |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaa what?! ANOTHER Illusion chapter within 3 months? It's more likely than you think! WARNING: violence!!! MC gets the shit beat out of her!!! Haha! Trauma!

_This can't be real... it can't be..._

My heart runs circles around my chest, violently beating as if it's trying to escape. And I don't blame it; Wren, Giles, and I are suddenly face to face with one of the notorious Shining Generals of the Diamond Kingdom. His unexpected presence throws a wrench into our plan, and now I'm not sure that we'll be able to escape this place with the civilians- at least not alive. Already, Giles is on his knees, struggling to stay conscious in the aftermath of the "Slime mold" attack. And now, we're next.

"This is your last warning-" A gross, green material starts to emanate from the general's grimoire. "Leave now, and I won't follow."

I exchange one last frightened glance with Wren. His confidence is completely gone, but the spark in his eye tells me that he isn't done yet. 

_We can't win... can we?_

Wren's eyes narrow.

_Am I going to give up? Just like that?_

_No..._

Slowly, I give him a nod before looking back at the general.

_He hasn't seen my magic yet. I can still surprise him._

"...we'll fight. Like magic knights are meant to!"

With that yell, Wren suddenly jumps ahead of me towards the attacker. " _Feather Magic: Starling Swarm!"_ A huge flock of inky black feathers come out of nowhere, swirling around in the air around Wren before coursing towards his enemy like a vicious river. 

"Fools... _Slime Magic: Amebic Plague."_ The mold queuing up in his hands bursts forth in three long tentacles, striking the swarm of feathers. Violent fluttering and squelching fills the air as the two magics struggle for dominance, until the mold overcomes and dissolves away Wren's entire fleet. "See, this is useless!" the man cackles softly, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Now... you're next!"

The mold changes directions, this time streaming towards Wren.

However, it's too late.

In the moments that Wren was distracting him, I looked at the general's face. At his body. At his _eyes._

 _His hands... they're soft. He hasn't done much physical training for this position; he doesn't need to. But even outside of work, he hasn't done much that was taxing. He doesn't_ play... _not outside, at least._

_His body... he's heavy. But it's not new weight. He carries it well, but his face is thin. He wasn't always this weight, but he's comfortable in it now. He gained it years ago- maybe 3 or 4 years ago. Why?_

_His eyes..._

The flash I once thought was cruel is now something else... it's playful. And for a brief moment, when his gaze met mine, I saw something I didn't expect.

_Sadness. Regret._

_Please forgive me. You look like her._

Before the mold can reach Wren, I raise my grimoire, a spell forming in the palm of my hand.

_You have a daughter... 3 or 4 years old. She prefers to play inside. She's sheltered. You gained weight when your wife did. Empathy weight, I think it's called..._

_And she looks a little like me. You love her more than anything in this world._

_Illusion Magic: Memory Mirage._

Wren grits his teeth and braces for impact. I fire off my spell, a single word beaming itself right into the General's mind.

_"DADDY!"_

A girl's voice, high pitched and scared, screams through his mind. In that instant, I see all color drain from his face, turning him into a statue for just a couple crucial moments.

_Bingo._

"FEATHER MAGIC: HARPY'S FURY!"

The general snaps out of it, but a moment too late. He and his men are bombarded with a thousand knife-sharp feathers, slicing through their flesh and clothes. With a scream, he stumbles and falls backwards. Taking a deep breath, I whirl around to see Giles already on his feet, sprinting towards the back wall.

_"Horn Magic: Ibex Impact."_

Two spiraling horns burst out of his head and drill right through the wall. The bricks crumble, letting sunlight stream in, and a large enough hole for people to run through is created. "Go! Everyone, run towards the outer wall!" I yell, grabbing Wren's hand to help him run as well. With a blur of movement, the civilians jump to their feet, desperate to escape, and thunder off in a big crowd. Wren sends back a few more feathers to keep the fallen enemies down just a little longer, before turning and following me out.

Giles stays at the front of the group to lead them while Wren and I bring up the rear. My heart is still pounding from that encounter, but I'm starting to relax. "That was close... we have to get out of here, then go tell the others that there's another General here!"

"Agreed!" Wren is already out of breath. "I can't believed Julius missed this guy..."

I nod, my mind suddenly filling with thoughts of Julius. Were he and the captain alright? Did they win their fight? I can still hear noises around the city, but I don't know where the sources are. I gulp nervously, parting my lips to keep breathing as I run. _It doesn't matter... I'll see him again soon. For now, we have to get out of here, then I can brag to Julius about also beating a general-_

"AHHH!" 

Wren suddenly stumbles forward before falling flat on his face. I freeze in place as I spot the same growing spot of green mold that Giles had earlier. "Wren!" I quickly kneel down and start helping him to his feet. "You're hurt... keep going-"

"Eh- no!" Wren grits his teeth through the pain, looking behind us as the rest of the crowd continues to run away. Sure enough, none other than the bloodied, battered General is behind us, staggering forward with pure anger in his eyes. My stomach turns, and all at once I realize just how much danger we're in. "I'll stay... I'll fight him-"

"Wren, you're in no state to fight!" I tell him frantically. We're running out of time, and fast, with each step the general takes towards us. "Go, help the others escape, I can hold him off."

"NO..." Wren shakes his head again, one hand coming up to grab my wrist, trying to pry my hands off him. "I- I need to..." His gaze raises to mine, strained with agony yet so... at peace.

"I need... to pay for my sin."

For a brief moment, the street disappears. The crowd disappears. The general disappears. We're alone, just Wren and I, as I stare into his eyes, confused and scared.

_... sins?_

_Wren... what sins have you committed?_

I wrench my hand from his fingers.

_Whatever they are... they aren't enough to condemn you._

"I don't care what sins you've committed; I'm your comrade, I'm not letting you die!"

I raise my voice, and Wren's eyes widen. I flash him a grin, a confident look that he hasn't seen on my face in months.

"Go... I'll fight this guy, and win, I promise!"

Finally, Wren nods. With difficulty, he steps away, his eyes remaining on mine until he has to turn and limp (very quickly) off down the street. With a sigh, I look back at my enemy. 

_I... I can't win._

I clench my fists, ice in my veins.

_This fight could be my last... all I can do is stay alive until help arrives._

The general is alone, but badly injured from Wren's attack. However, I can see patches of his mold covering various spots on his body, undoubtedly stopping the bleeding from getting too bad. _That's why he's alone... he's the only one in enough shape to walk out here._ I grit my teeth, pulling out my grimoire once again. _In that case, maybe beating him won't be so hard._

I see his mold tentacles rise up above him once again, and my time comes. I flip my hand, the spell in my book starting to glow.

_Illusion Magic: Kaleidoscope._

The only thing I can make several illusions of at a time is myself, because my body is the one thing I know better than anything. The general stops in his tracks as his eyesight blurs, and once it clears, there are ten copies of myself standing ahead of him, all identical in every way. "I see..." he breathes, his mouth twitching into a grin despite the rage still burning in his gaze. "You make illusions, don't you? But..." His eyes narrow, and his grin disappears. "How... how did you know about _her?"_

I gulp, taking a step back. My eyes flicker up to the tentacles above him before going back to his face. "L-Lucky guess?"

He doesn't speak again, just raises his hand to point at my copies. The tentacles strike, like three perfectly coordinated snakes, and immediately rip through three of my copies, one of which is right next to my real body. _Shit!_ My eyes widen. I almost flinch without thinking, but an unconscious impulse keeps me from doing it for just a moment. _If I just flinch instinctively, the other copies will do the same, and he'll be able to see which one is me from the direction-_ _So- Randomly-_

The seven remaining copies, including myself, flinch in random directions, one right, two left, then another two right, and then two left. Without another moment to spare, I take off running, zig zagging down a side street, being careful not to accidentally clip into one of my illusions. It's a difficult task, since I can't actually see any of them, but I know where they are. With a grunt, we turn around to face our pursuer, and I raise my hands again. Seven voices ring out at once, all casting the same spell.

_"Illusion Magic: Sudden Death!"_

Seven balls of energy jump from our hands, converging in the middle before shooting into the general's chest. His mouth opens in surprise, his mind forcing himself to perceive the impact. _That's it!_ I think as he stumbles back, his eyes widening. _Now... look down... look down..._

His gaze drifts down, to the ground, then up his legs, and then, to the gaping wound in his stomach. It's a standard one, a slice that leaves your entrails exposed, burnt to a crisp, but still oozing blood and juice. I watch as the blood drains from his face, his chest heaving as he draws in breath after ragged breath. His hand clutches at the imaginary mound, clutching at _nothing,_ but I know that he's watching his life wane away. Finally, he looks back at where I stand, now just a single person. Any pity or sadness that he once looked at me with is gone. All there is is anger.

"Y-You..."

Finally, his knees give out from the shock, and he crumbles into a heap on the ground.

I exhale at last, my heart still pounding. I stand there for a whole minute, watching him twitch pathetically where he collapsed. _That's it... I did it._ Of course, I know I would be dead meat if Wren didn't weaken him first, but what's done is done. _Wren... Giles... I wonder if they got out alright._ Remembering the mission, I finally move, walking towards the still man who is now the least of my worries. _I'm sure they made it... and then the captain, Alice, Cecelia... and Julius-_

My mind is far away as I walk past the body. I don't notice the stray strand of mold until it wraps itself around my ankle, as tight and severe as fishing line.

_SHIT-_

I'm flung into the air, mold immediately shooting over my skin and up my body. I don't even have time to scream; the world revolves around me, upside down, and then I hit the brick wall as hard as humanly possible. With a spluttering gasp, gravity takes hold again and I _thud_ to the ground. My entire body is being stabbed and eaten away by mold, tingling and stinging like a thousand jellyfish. Something lands on my shoulder and kicks me onto my back, and I finally open my eyes to see the shining general smirking down at me. "H-H-"

"How?" He lets out a snort. "Please... once I know the trick, none of your magic works on me. A lesser man would have fallen for it, but not me..." He laughs again, mirthlessly, and presses his foot down harder. More mold appears under his shoe, and I can't even scream.

 _AH.... AHHH..._ Tears prick at the corners of my eyes and my vision goes white. _Stop it... please... someone..._

"Your magic relies on dirty lies... you look at people and use the things they love and the things they fear against them."

His foot keeps pressing down, crushing me like a bug.

"You... you didn't wound my body. But my pride has been irreparably damaged." His eyes darken. "You will pay dearly."

Everything blurs for a moment, and hands grab me. No, not hands- the mold tentacles, burning into my skin, grab me and slam me against the wall again. I hear other voices, angry voices. Angry eyes stare up at me, the same rage burning within them as the general's.

_"Is this the one who took you down?"_

_"She did not_ take me down... _but she hurt my pride."_

I crack open an eye to see that the general is no longer alone- his five men are here now, too, varying degrees of annoyance and anger on their faces. But the general is finally smiling again, that playful, _dangerous_ smile that I saw before.

My hands shake. My fingers uselessly pry at the mold around my neck. I can't breathe.

_"Go ahead... make her life a living hell."_

There are grins on all their faces again.

_I- I can't move-_

Hands reach towards me.

_M-Move... please..._

I open my mouth to scream, but choke on my own blood.

Someone grabs my neck. They hit me over and over again.

_Stop... stop..._

Julius reaches towards my neck with his healing hands. 

_Stop... Get..._

My grimoire begins to glow where it fell to the ground.

_Get away-_

I cough once, and something warm dribbles down my chin. I can breathe- I can breathe-

I open my eyes again. All of the men have the same face.

_Lawrence._

_DON'T TOUCH ME_

_..._

_..._

_..._

_Illusion Magic: Fear Landscape._

The mold retracts, and I slide to the ground and immediately slump over forwards. My body is broken, and there's blood all over me. The mold ate away at everything it could, and even now it lingers inside me. I take a few shallow breaths. My ears are ringing, both with the impact of the blows and... screaming? yes... someone's screaming and crying- no- multiple people are. I blink a few times, vaguely aware of bodies writhing around in the street. But I don't feel scared... no.

Everything is so warm. The pain slowly fades into a memory. 

_A hand strokes over my hair tenderly._

_"It'll be okay... I'll protect you. I promise."_

_Promise?_

...

...

...

Slowly, the pain comes back, dull and intense. I grunt as I slowly lift my head, finally sitting up all the way. One of my arms is wrapped around my middle to stop the bleeding there. "Ugh... what happened?" Was I saved? Did I cast a spell? Or did they just leave me here-

I open my eyes and finally see the scene ahead of me.

The men are still there. But they've all fallen, their bodies contorted and twisted. My breath hitches in my throat as I see their expressions.

Each one of them is filled with fear. Not any particular kind of fear- just fear, in it's purest form.

_W-What... what did I do?_

My hands shake as I crawl forward, one of my legs dragging behind me. One of the bodies is face up, and I recognize him as the General.

_They... they're just passed out. I just shocked them into collapsing, right?_

I reach out. The city is so quiet.

_Please... don't..._

My hand slides under his jaw, pressing down for a moment. Then another. Then another.

_The city is silent._

I slowly retract my hand, to rest on his chest. No pulse of life can be found.

_No... no..._

My hand forms a fist, balling up his shirt.

_No... I... I didn't... I couldn't..._

I've seen death. I've seen blood. I've seen war. But... never at my own hand.

Something within me snaps, and I fall forward into his chest. I let go of my wound and grab his arm, as a sob racks my entire body.

"No... no... I..."

Tears stain his shirt. 

"I'm sorry.... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

There are footsteps. Voices.

_Sorry... sorry... sorry..._

"I-I didn't mean to... I'm sorry- I'm _sorry, I'm sorry-"_

My voice raises in volume as the footsteps come closer. I don't hear them, just the sound of my voice and the silence of the heartbeat.

_"Please... forgive me... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to! I- I-"_

_It wasn't your fault._

There's a heartbeat now. I'm numb, but warmth surrounds me. 

_"I-I'm sorry..."_

_I know, I know._

That warm hand is on my head again, stroking my hair and coaxing me into a deep sleep.

_Rest... you were so brave._

_"...thank you. I'm..._

_I'm sorry..."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooh ouch! Well, next time, we'll see MC "recover" from her fight, but we find out that life is just as cruel to other people as well.


	15. | 15 |

The true nature of my Illusion Magic is in the way that it effects the human brain. My magic can trigger responses within the mind of another, forcing their brain to release the hormones and electric signals necessary to conjure up what I want them to perceive. Images, sounds, feelings... but one spell does this better than any other; the spell I have only cast once before.

_Fear Landscape._

This spell targets a single region of the brain, the _amygdala._ Stress hormones are released in a massive stampede, causing pupil dilation, heart rate increase, and restriction of breathing. All of these things compound upon each other until the body shuts down. 

The first time I used it was an accident. We were on a mission in the woods, and were almost done, when a massive wolf appeared out of nowhere. The spell manifested in that moment, probably triggered by my own fear. I don't remember it very well, since I blacked out in a similar fashion to today, into a warm, golden sleep. But according to Alice, the wolf collapsed into a whimpering pile, giving us enough time to escape.

I never really thought about what happened to that wolf. I wonder if it died, just like the dozen or so men that were unlucky enough to be around me today.

But now, lying silently in a hospital bed while the nurses checked up on me for the fifteenth time tonight, I have plenty of time to reflect.

_I killed that man... the general. I killed all his men._

The nurses and doctor keep talking among themselves. From what I've gathered so far, the slime mold penetrated my body much farther than they thought at first, and kept proliferating even after the caster was dead. It'll take a while for me to heal completely.

It's been around three days since the attack- at least, I think it has been that long. My mind has been foggy and disoriented, so I can't be quite sure. My only reference for time is the light coming in through the curtains, and the three times per day that a meal is brought to me. I'm barely able to eat, but it could be worse.

After all... someone was hurt much worse than me that day.

The door creaks open once all the nurses are gone, and none other than Captain Hervey and his two vice captains come in. My gaze flickers up to Julius's face first, catching a glimpse of his worried expression. I quickly look to Hervey next. "Captain..."

I start to sit up, but Hervey raises his hand to pause the movement. "Stay still, you're injured enough as it is." He lets out a heavy sigh, his eyes narrowing for a moment. "How are you feeling?"

"As good as I can." I motion vaguely at my right arm, where green mold veins still linger under my skin. "The doctor said maybe two more days before my system gets flushed of this stuff."

"I see." Hervey nods a little. "It'll be good to have you back on your feet..."

I gulp nervously, scared to ask the next question.

"Captain... is Alice-"

"She's still in her coma."

I fall silent. 

"The doctor doesn't think she's going to wake up."

_... she's... not going to wake up?_

"Like... not today? Or-"

"Not ever." The words come out sharply, freezing my heart.

I was told as soon as I was conscious enough to listen. The other Shining General was a powerful ice mage. He managed to trap Julius in Ice before making a break for it. Hervey took off in pursuit, but it was too late; The general ran into Alice's group, and in the fight... 

"People don't recover from a frostbitten brain." Hervey muttered, a little callously. I'm too weak to even summon tears, but I feel every part of my soul being shredded apart. 

_Alice... you have to wake up... you have to._

"But I told you; My ice magic countered his. I killed that Bastard... both of us felled Generals in this battle. That's why I'm here today."

I look back up at Hervey as he walks to the side of my bed, producing what looks like a small plaque. "Captain, what's this for?"

"It's a special commendation from the Wizard King himself," Hervey explained, giving me a strained smile. "You've been promoted to Senior Magic Knight."

"Congratulations," Malota says, giving me a rare smile of her own from the other side of my bed. "You're basically at the top now."

"You've impressed all of us. Well done."

I look at the foot of my bed, where Julius still stands, and he gives me the same smile as the others. He's happy for me, I can tell, but that tenseness is easily explained; today feels like no time to celebrate, while Alice lies unresponsive in another room.

_Impressed... congratulations..._

The words feel bitter in my mind.

"I... I'm getting this now... because I murdered someone, right?"

My voice is numb, cold and emotionless. My head falls back onto my pillow, and I stare blankly up at the ceiling. 

Hervey exchanges a glance with the other two before clearing his throat. "NO! Well, yeah... but don't think of it that way. You defeated an enemy of our Kingdom, and now he will never harm anyone again."

 _That general... his magic hurt. I remember how Giles writhed in pain, and how my mind snapped as he pushed me past my limit. But, I saw something in his eyes. He had a family... there were things in this world that he_ loved. _But me... I can't love anything. Love was ruined for me, so I ruined it for all of them, too..._

"I didn't even mean to do it." Slowly, my eyes flicker close. _Maybe if I pretend to be asleep, they'll leave me alone._ "I was trying to escape..."

"Our bodies do unexpected things when we think we're about to die."

Julius's voice pulls me out, and my eyes open again. I can't bring myself to move and look at him, but I'm listening... I'm _listening._

_Julius..._

"You did what anyone else would have done... but you deserved this promotion before that, trust me." 

Even from where I lay, I can hear the smile on his lips. This time, there is no tension.

_How many people have you killed, Julius? You've been to battle far more than I have... and I've heard the stories of your terrifying power. That power scares me, too, but at the same time... I know it protects me._

If I had any less restraint, I would have reached out to him, begged him to take my hand, pleaded for him to _stay._ I don't care who sees, I don't care who disapproves, I just want him here with me, forever.

But there's just enough restraint within me to keep me still. After that awkward moment, Hervey leads the others out, leaving the plaque on my bedside table.

\------------

It's not until later that night that the full gravity of the situation dawns on me. Alice, my closest and oldest friend, was going to die, and I could do nothing about it.

_"You're in my group, right? So I'll protect you! No matter what. And you're going to protect me too!"_

Alice said those words to Cecelia. She promised that she would live.

_Alice... I'm sorry I ever doubted you. You're my friend, nothing less, and I know in my heart that you could never hurt me. As sure as the sun rises, as sure as it sets... you would have never betrayed me._

_But why..._

I roll over in the dark, my delirious mind breaking down as tears and wet sobs rip from my throat.

_Why did I have to realize that after it's too late?!_

I clutch a pillow tightly as I cry, holding onto it for dear life. And maybe it's just my imagination... but I feel it hug me back, warm and soft.

\-----

When I wake up the next morning, there was no large pillow that I could have been curled up into. The side of the bed next to me is warm; at least, I think it is. But I can't see anyone there, and my fever makes the entire world burn.

_Maybe that was just my imagination._

\-----

"There you are! Oh, god-"

Two days later, I'm sitting up in bed, feeling good enough to eat. I look up from my soup to see the door open, and two very familiar older people come rushing towards me. I drop my spoon in surprise.

"Mom? Dad?"

Indeed, it's my parents, and a moment later they both tackle me in a hug that's definitely more rough than they should be giving me right now. I let out a hollow gasp as the air is knocked out of my lungs, but I quickly get over it and smile. "Hi... It's good to see you two."

I hug back, burying my face into their shoulders, and am suddenly overwhelmed with... nostalgia. Both of them pull back and start fawning over me, telling me how proud they are of me, and how worried they were before they could visit. It's bittersweet, and it takes everything I have in me to keep from bursting into tears. 

All the pain and trouble I've gone through, I did it for them. For the hope that I could free them from the path they think they're trapped on. Marrying a Kira will give us status for life, but now that I'm a Senior Magic Knight, we don't need that status. By myself, I can support them, and then...

"Oh!" My mom's eyes suddenly lit up. "Look who insisted we bring him with us!"

"Huh? Who-"

I look around her shoulder, and my blood runs cold.

"Hey."

Lawrence Kira stands there in the doorway, not even the faint ghost of a smile upon his face.

My heart starts to pound.

_He's here... oh god..._

"Congrats on your promotion." He walks inside, and I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. "Looks like you got pretty hurt, though..." He comes to a stop at the foot of my bed, and I resist the urge to scoot back further. My grip on my mother's hand tightens slightly. "How long are you going to keep this up?"

 _Uh oh._ I open my mouth, not sure what to say. _He better not use this time to confront me... he's evil._ I look over at my parents, who also start to look worried. _In front of them, too! He knows that if he pressures me here, my parents will join them. They're looking forward to the wedding, and they don't want me to get hurt again..._ I start to panic. _SHIT!_

Finally, I manage to cobble together a response. _Play dumb!_ "Um... well, they should let me out of bed tomorrow-"

"I'm not talking about that-" Lawrence snaps. "I'm talking about you playing Magic Knight for years and years. Face it, you're not cut out for this." He motions at my fading injuries. "You almost died, I don't want you to face something like that again before our wedding."

"He has a point, Darling," Dad pipes up innocently. "If you died... I don't know how I would go on living."

"I know, but I'm not going to die." I tighten my hold on my mother's hand again. She doesn't say anything, but I see something flicker in her eyes. I look back over at Lawrence, his stone cold grey eyes staring right into my soul. "Lawrence, I killed a General. A _Diamond_ General. And I just got promoted. Do you think I'm weak or something?"

"Not weak..." He crosses his arms, and I see his cool exterior waver for a moment. "But you're not strong enough to avoid this type of injury... you Captain knows it too." His confidence returns, and he points at my plaque. "Have you ever heard of a _pity promotion?_ It's not unusual for a weak magic knight to receive a big promotion right after they sustain a bad injury. It's supposed to convince you to leave, because _you've done enough._ And that's true for you." 

I feel my heart sink. No, I've never heard of pity promotions before, but that adds up.

_Am I... am I really that weak?_

"I... I- er-"

"FILLER WORDS-" Lawrence snaps, shutting me up immediately. He calms himself after the momentary outburst. "Stop using filler words, remember?"

I nod, my hands shaking.

"Listen... you're not being disgraceful." Lawrence offers me a shallow smile, stepping forward. I feel my heart jolt again, like a deer cornered by a hunter. "But it's time to leave this path and become what you're meant to be..."

_I... I can't... I have to... I-_

" _My wife-"_

"No."

The word slips out, and Lawrence freezes. His eyes widen a little, somehow getting colder.

_"What did you just say?"_

_Shit, shit, shit!_ My heart pounds, but it's too late to go back.

"I- I said no." I take a shuddering breath, ignoring my parents' shocked faces. "I don't want to marry you, Lawrence, and I'm not going to."

The words don't quite register for Lawrence, ricocheting around between his ears. But once they do, it's obvious. His cheeks start to redden, and his wide eyes crumple with rage.

"You... you can't just say no now! We've been engaged since I was ten!"

"Honey, what on earth are you thinking?" Both of my parents look scared. Their whole lives, they placed their entire future on this marriage, not considering any other way to protect us. But now, I've found another way.

_Yes... through my own strength, I forged a path! With the help of Alice, I created a fate far different from what Lawrence tried to create for me. I won't let Alice's work go to waste! I found a life I can live with pride... and I found someone that I want to love with all my heart!_

"I am a Magic Knight, Lawrence." I sit up, shaking off my parents' hands, and point accusingly at the man who's caused me so much pain over my entire life. "You are the lowest of the low. You forced me to do things I wasn't ready to do. You hurt me, and manipulated me- and I'm not going to just lay down and take it any more!"

My voice raises steadily in volume, and so does my courage. Somehow, a smile starts to grow on my lips, and I clench my fist as I say the words I've always wanted to say.

"For my family, and for my own pride, I reject you, Lawrence Kira-"

Just as I utter his name, I see something in his gaze _snap._

_Oh- God-_

Instantly, mana caves in around him then shoots out at me. I don't have time to finish my sentence. Poisonous, thistly grey vines hit my throat, wrapping around it and blasting me backwards. My parents both scream, and I hit the wall above the bedframe with a resounding _CRACK._ My mouth opens with a silent scream, the thistles pricking my skin and drawing blood. My back hurts, my legs kick helplessly, and my fingers claw uselessly at the tight chords that choke the life out of me. But at the same time...

_That's it Lawrence. Show the world what a monster you really are._

"YOU WENCH!" he basically gargles, still overcome with indignancy and rage. A vein starts to pop out of his temple. "Do you think I'm going to just let you leave? After all the work I put into you?! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT AN UNGRATEFUL SOW WITHOUT ME!"

The thistles tighten, and I start to taste blood too.

_More... more... show me more of your hate!_

Lawrence looks unhinged as he clenches his fist, controlling his magic. "So... I'm going to teach you a lesson... and then you're coming right back to the castle WITH ME-"

He's cut off suddenly. I crack open an eye to see both of my parents on their feet, hands and Grimoires up. Both are already forming magic in their hands, Eye magic and Memory Magic, and both are targeted at the prince. Lawrence's eyes widen. "What- What do you think you're doing-"

"Let go of her." My dad's voice is deadly soft. Both of them aren't freaking out, but I can hear the urge to tear into Lawrence in his words. " _Now."_

"I don't care if you're a prince. You don't touch her ever again." My mother's voice holds the same quiet threat.

Lawrence opens and closes his mouth a few times, and I feel his thistles weaken slightly. All I can do is hold my breath and stay still as the edges of my vision start to blur. 

_yes... both of them stood up for me... Mom, dad, I promise this wasn't a mistake!_

"If you defy me... your status will mean nothing. Society will ostracize you," Lawrence threatens. "Are you really going to throw everything I gave you away?"

"Status means nothing, now that we know what you really are like," my dad's voice starts to waver. "Let her go before I show you what _I'm_ really like."

After one more tense moment, the thistles disappear. I let out a deep gasp before collapsing back down onto my bed, a trembling mess. My parents immediately retract their magic and rush to my side. "I-I'm fine-" I wheeze, sitting up with their help.

Lawrence still looks mad, but that calculated coolness in his eyes returns.

"You... you'll regret this."

Without another word, Lawrence turns dramatically and storms off, slamming the door behind him.

The nurses are called back in, fixing up the wounds on my neck. They aren't deep, but Lawrence's Thistle Magic leaves millions of microscopic wounds. It hurts like a bitch, too.

But the whole time, up until my parents leave, only one thought circles through my mind.

_I did it..._

_I'm free._


End file.
